Out of Their Comfort Zone

That's what my husband told me tonight, and that's what I've got to remember.

So far, the trip has been awesome. We drove into Atlanta, spent two days with friends, swam in their pool and had a delicious bbq.

Wait. Let me add this in as a explain-or. I'm not going to use any kids names here, so as to protect the innocent and help me stay alive - I'm really certain you can figure out who is who, but please don't guess, ok?

One of my kiddos had a meltdown of epic proportions that first night. And that second night. Said child wanted to go home, please let me go home, I want my own home.

Um, nope. 11 hours in the car, we are staying. Next day, same thing. It all went smashingly great until it didn't, with said child flipping out again at night.

We got into the van and drove 9 hours today to stay with the beautiful Kalisa, who is an amazing hostess, making all of us feel RIGHT AT HOME. (Interestingly enough, the kid who keeps crying to go home said to me, Well, at least I'm behaving in the car - and they all are - we've had great behavior in the van, really stellar and unheard of and so not what I'd imagined.)

We went for pizza, and one of my kids, the one who can't understand sarcasm, got his/her feelings hurt through absolutely no one's fault, just the way this kid understands is different than others, and then the one who wanted to go home started crying that it was time to go home, please let me go home, I just want my bed and my house...

And, I know. I know that they are out of their comfort zone. I know that this is new to them and we are seeing people who are friends of mine - dear friends, people I love madly - but people that they don't know. They've been brought to a different locale, eating different foods -

and for three of my kids, it's exciting and fun. Those three kids - I think I could drop in each of them in Alaska alone and they'd make their way back to me within two weeks with 15 new friends and $3000. But two of my kids are just wired differently.

NOT bad. Just different. And they are doing the best that they can, with what coping skills that they have and sometimes, all the coping skills in the world don't help with a messed up schedule and being out of their comfort zone.

I'm breathing so much you'd think I was in Lamaze class again.

Sometimes, I wonder what God was doing, when he sent these kids to me. I've never felt so underequipped and underprepared as I have these past few years. I'm trying to do something nice, something good, something to create a good memory for my kids and see some people that I dearly love and it's kind of breaking my heart that two of them are struggling.

And, I'm grown up enough to admit that I badly want to be seen as a good mom and am afraid that I won't be. Which makes me seem self centered and I know it.

Which sucks all the more.

Comments

[Megan]

Sorry those two kids are having trouble. But I guarantee you they are having some fun, somewhere in there, and they are making memories, and they WILL thank you for this someday.

I guess introversion doesn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with being a homebody, but I'm both, and traveling was hard for me when I was a kid. It's hard and exhausting when you are not an outgoing person to be continuously exposed to new people and places. But they'll survive, and I bet when they get home they'll be full of stories about the trip.

Plus, isn't it kind of cool to have kids who are so different from each other? More interesting than if they were all the same? Exhausting, I'm sure, but also neat to see people take such different paths in life but still become successful, as I'm sure your kids will be.

[Sharilyn]

Oh yes. I have only 2 kids. And they are both wired this way. Be glad you have 3 who can shine for you. You ARE a stellar mommy.

[Amie]

First off, xxxooooo. EVERY mother , no matter how many kids or how many issues, special needs, or situations worries about being seen as a good mother. That isn't selfish it is just a given, part of the whole ball of wax.
We spent last night w friend and her kids at their new beach house, a friend whose other house is exactly a mile away and we see daily.A house we have already visited three times in three weeks. The guest room is frequently referred to as our room. So it isnt exactly strange or new.My boy comes home today and says "I am soooo glad to be back in my own home with my own bed" as if he has been away a month:)
I am tearing up for you and the kids, there is no physical pain that compares to the gut wrenching pain of seeing your child desperately unhappy and miserable. I hope that when all is said and done everyone remembers the kooky things u saw on the road trip, the singing and dancing in the car, and the joy of being together. You will be in my prayers. I think we will skip the martinis and head straight for the hard stuff,whiskey shots and cookie dough! Saving a spot for u on the porch:)

[addy]

Continue on your journey with love and adventure. Really you are helping to create wonderful memories. And also teaching that you can survive and thrive out of your comfort zone. All will be well - did pack the "adult" drinks - for coping purposes you understand....

[Elizabeth]

Charlie is a "homebody" too. Even when running errands he asks how many places will we go to and when are we going home. He loves traveling which is good but after about the 3rd day it is a litany of "when do we go home? I miss my bed, etc".

We shall see how it goes at BlogHer since it is also our family vacation this year.

[Tara]

To me, you are a hero. I could never manage as well as you do. It's good that you are showing your kids that there's a whole big world out there filled with things that the first time, yes, may seem a little scary or inconvenient or uncomfortable, but how would they ever get used to things if you didn't expose them, right? It takes time. You're doing wonderfully.

[Rox]

My son has struggled with the day camps he's attended this summer. He's small for his age, yet very, very smart -- making it all the worse when people talk down to him because he's small. He's been last picked, picked on, and, at times, I've been tempted to totally flip my lid on high school counselors who really aren't doing well enough by him. So, I ended up splitting the difference. He will keep going with his last scheduled week @ a different camp, and I cancelled the remaining time at the worst offending place. Meanwhile, I have and will remind him of the lessons he's learned: Perseverance in the face of adversity. How to stand up for himself without fighting back negatively. How to politely remind an adult that he's a first-grader and can understand what they're saying without them needing to dumb it down. How to do something he really doesn't want to do, but, instead of focusing on the negative, taking account of the positive things he experienced that day, for there's always some good in any situation.

My point is that even in times that seem rough for them, our kids are learning, especially if we're taking the extra time to remind them what they're doing right and taking away that's good from any uncomfortable situation. You're doing an awesome thing for ALL of your kids, and I'm betting the experience is turned on its ear (in a good way) for the struggling one by the end of the trip, for they will have really accomplished something ... and you will have too. I think that, just like motherhood, vacations never end up going exactly as planned; but sometimes that blind turn leads to something greater. I hope that's the outcome for you. Hang in there!

[Brandy]

I don't know what it's like to be you, or your kids. But I can say, and mean it, HUGS!

[Ann W.]

So sorry Carmen. With the best intentions we all can make others feel out of their comfort zone...it's especially hard when it's our own children who we love...chin up and hang in there. I so appreciate the last thing you shared...about wanting to be seen as a good mom...so honest and so true for many of us. Thank you for sticking to the hard, honest, truthful, (o.K. sometimes selfish) things we all think. It's why I keep coming back here, and why I appreciate your blog. Thank you for sharing.

[Mary D]

Just a quick suggestion. Especially for the one who wants her own bed, etc.... Since it starts up at night, I am assuming they are tired and lonely for home/routine.

Do you have something with you that is part of JUST their bedtime ritual from home? If no, can you get something mailed to you? Then when the loneliness starts up, the child has a piece of their home/bedtime routine with them. The trick is, they ONLY get the ritual item at night.

Here is what I do with my children when they travel w/o me and begin to miss home, etc... I have them look out the window, "see the moon? Guess what, so do I!!!" We are still connected even when we are apart (perhaps Dad can do that).

I have an EXTREMELY introverted child, here is the rule when we travel - you must be pleasant and learn something new about our hosts and their children. You must participate in whatever for a set amount of time. After that, they are allowed to pull out an ipod/book and retreat for some down time.

The folks we have visited know what my child(ren) are like, and understand she needs to have downtime/away from everyone. But they also appreciate that she MUST be social and meet everyone for awhile. That way she does not come across as rude, she is learning life skills (really, I know she thinks I do it only to torture her)and is able to maintain composure because she sees the end in sight....

Hope this helps somewhat, and enjoy the visits.

[Xenia Katie]

Wow, this sounds like my DD1. She's been a wreck this summer... I think she misses her routine, her teachers (paid-to-be-patient and very loving) and the socialization. I beat myself up constantly over her (and motherhood in general, and how lousy I seem to be at it), but reading this today helps me understand that I'm not alone in this struggle. So, for what it's worth, thank you! Hope the rest of your trip goes as good as it can :D

[Carrie]

I know each family has a unique set of difficulties with their children but just so you know, you're family sounds pretty normal to me.;) It seems very familiar to a road trip that I just had with my family of 5 children from Utah to Washington. My husband I plan trips like that to make memories and we do. Over the years I have found that we tend to remember the things that went right more often than the things that went wrong. You will never have a trip where a child is not ready to go home, asking how much longer, fighting with a sibling, melting down because they're tired, or even puking in the car. In fact I had a major meltdown about day 6 into our trip because I was so stinkin exhausted. It is just the way that it is. I will pray for you and that the rest of the trip goes well.

[Headless Mom]

Totally out of their comfort zone. Would going to/watching a movie help? Escaping for a couple of hours could help. Or perhaps some other 'more familiar' activity?

Did they enjoy the ducks? That's one of our favorite activities. My parents prom was there!

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

You are so brave to go on this trip!

[Kalisa]

I bet five years from now they will all report nothing but happy memories from this trip.

[Monica]

Years ago, before we knew the extent of DS19's special needs, we had a memorable night in a motel!!! We had driven 5 hours to pick up DD from summer camp. The following morning we were scheduled to help lead a week-long Family Camp with 100 campers from 4 months - 90 years old. Oh, and did I mention we also had our little guy, only 6 months old!

So....I had to remove DS (8 at the time) from the restaurant due to a tantrum. He wanted McD's instead. Walked back to the motel, dragging said child. He proceeded to have a 4 hour temper tantrum in the motel room, jumping from bed to bed, screaming, foul language, while I "read" the same page in my book....

DH returned with the other 2 after dinner, then took off again to get little one asleep. Finally, DH returned with sleeping kids, took the tantruming one to get McD's and all was well again. Although we were thoroughly exhausted!!

Finally, years later after many doctors & therapists, we've figured that being hungry and craving certain foods will trigger a tantrum (now rages) and we nip that in the bud as well as we can before the raging starts. We just find what works best for our quirky kid.

[Carly]

Its comforting to know someone else ask themselves the same question I ask myself all the time!!
"Sometimes, I wonder what God was doing, when he sent these kids to me. I've never felt so underequipped and underprepared as I have these past few years."

Its forever something I struggle with.

But I will say, you know why the kids acted so good in the car? It was the familiar place. :)

[Jessica]

{{{{HUGS}}}} it's over and you are home!!!!