Run, Run, as Slow as You Can

I can always be caught when I'm running.

February 2009, I tore my gastrocnemius muscle. It was an almost complete tear and I was offered surgery to repair it. I chose to avoid surgery and instead wore a walking boot for 4 months. I went to physical therapy for months and eventually made a full recovery. I've had very little trouble with that leg since then. I ran an 8K race in March of this year, finishing it in 57ish minutes. So, maybe 11 minute miles. Nothing to write home about, but, hey. What can you do.

I remember the sports orthopedist telling me that I'd probably never run fast or long distance again, but I figured that I've done one half marathon and several 8-10k's, so I don't have anything to prove and I was fine with that.

In May, I realized that I'd be in the black belt rotation for the upcoming year. I knew the requirements were tough. 60 push ups, 110 sit ups in 2 minutes, 4 endurance rounds, run 2 miles in less than 17 minutes. That run right there would be my Achilles' heel. I knew that, and so I started running in earnest then. I kept the runs to 1 mile, choosing to focus on cutting the time down. i ran a couple of times a week in May, June, July and August.

I just couldn't do it. Could NOT get that run down below 10 minutes. Every time I tried to run either harder or faster, my calf muscle would cramp up and I'd have to walk. I increased my warm up and stretch before and after. I returned to foam rolling and started using a lacrosse ball.

There's a phrase in that article, The knot remains a knot, laughing in the face of the stretch. Oh, man, truer words were never written.I felt as if I was on the verge of a "charley horse" almost every day. I'd run, and then spend the next two days stretching my leg and rolling and working it out. Lather, rinse, repeat. It reminded me of how I felt in the months before the Great Injury of '09. I remember going for a couple of massages, requesting that extra time be spent on that leg. I remember stretching it over and over and always feeling like I was on the verge of a cramp. 

I drink a lot of water and take calcium/magnesium/potassium to stave off cramps, but I made sure that I was not skimping on those and really tried to focus on correct form. I bought new sneakers, had the running store check my stride, and tried, as best I could, not to obsess. I did worry, though.

Yesterday I returned to the Sports Orthopedist to discuss my right calf muscle. After looking at my leg and listening to my story, he told me that, most likely, the muscle is beginning to separate - if it was attached to the bone to begin with. Partially separated. Most likely aggravated by increased stress and running.

I received a fascinating lesson - really, it totally was, because I had NO idea - on the anatomy and physiology of the leg and how it works when you run. Forgive me if I don't present this correctly, but walking engages the bottom of the foot, and jogging moves up into the achilles. As you full on run, the achilles pulls on the calf muscles for rebound and spring - and that's right where my trouble lies. He likened it to holding a weight in your hand and doing a bicep curl - and then holding it. After a while, that muscle is going to cramp up, and that's what is going on in my leg.

No running. Well, no. No running past a comfort level, and nothing below a ten minute mile. No sprinting. No jumping.

So, how does this work, knowing that I'm in Black Belt rotation?

I had to get a medical waiver.

Part of me is relieved and part of me is pissed off.

I'm relieved because I was afraid I'd mess up my leg badly if I pushed it, and I apparently was on the road to doing so. Tearing that muscle, feeling the pop and the tear, was the worst pain of my life - including having six babies. I NEVER want to do that again. No belt of any rank or color is worth that.

But I'd be a liar if I didn't say that earning a black belt with the medical waiver feels like cheating. Like I'm taking the easy way out, as if I'm not really earning it. And I'm afraid of what people will think, which is totally silly and pointless. I've earned that stupid belt. It's not a gift.

So why do I feel so upset by this?

I feel as if my body has betrayed me.

Comments

[Sandra]

your body can only handle SO much. just glad you listened to your body this time around...

[Sara]

I'm glad you can get the black belt without the run! A medical waiver is a good thing! You're not cheating at all; you have pushed your body to the limit, which is what they want, right?

[Brandy]

It's not cheating. Your body, every one's body, has a pace that it can keep and not be injured. I don't know about your Martial Art, but the ones my kids are in require that you always do the best you can do. That's it. There are no unreasonable limits. Your earned that black belt. You did.

(And trust me, I know what you mean about your body betraying you.)

[DebB]

It sounds like the whole idea of getting the black belt is not a competition against other people, but rather a personal challenge to reach for and maximize your physical performance potential. Who would you be cheating by having discovered the max point for your body in 1 area and pushing yourself to perform at that top level? The medical waiver is just confirmation that you have reached your max. You have a lot to be proud of!! You are right - you completely earned that black belt and the self-satisfaction for your accomplishment that goes with it!

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

I have also had to give up running long distance, such a pity. I love to run.

[Lisa]

It is not cheating at all! That is the most important thing. However, if it makes you feel any better, my per mile time decreased the most when I DID run more miles. I trained for a marathon and had always run around a 9-10 minute mile. As I logged more and more long runs I found that on my shorter runs I was going faster and faster... soon to the the tune of 8 minute miles for 3 mile runs, 8-9 minute miles for 5 mile runs. (Did that make sense?)

So... Just keep up the slow runs but this time try to add distance. And maybe eventually you will run the speed that would have been necessary for the black belt and you will feel like you "earned it" 100%.... even though we all think you already WILL be earning it with the medical waiver!

[Laura H.]

I agree with the above comments. You worked your fanny off trying to get to the level you needed to be at, and you did your absolute best to do all you could do to reach it! You ran, you rolled, you spoke to experts... you were, and are, dedicated to reaching your goals. Needing a medical waiver after everything you did (and continue to do) is not cheating, nor is it the easy way. In my mind, with everything you went through, you flat out earned the waiver, and the belt and if anyone thinks differently, they have a problem. Not you!
(I apologize if this makes no sense; we just got back from a 4 day family vacation and my eyes are crossing I'm so flipping SLEEPY!! LOL)

[UKCraftySal]

Everyone above is right. You didn't ask for a medical waiver when you found the running difficult, you just kept training to improve your time. You didn't go to the Sports Orthopedist for a medical waiver, you went for advice to help you achieve your required time. So you have reached your maximum (and a pretty good one it is too) despite a serious injury. That deserves a huge "well done", and I hope you can allow yourself to accept that.

Cheating is knowingly gaining something unfairly; you didn't do that.

[Pat]

Hate to tell you, but further down the road, you will reach a point where the warranties on your body parts start expiring. And you don't have to be "old" for it to happen. I was told at 59 that both my knees were shot and needed to be replaced and I "knew" I was too young for that. At that point you only have two options--accept that your body will no longer perform like it once did or be miserable the rest of your days.

Hope you can revise your feelings about your physical performance so you don't end up being as miserable as I was for a year!

[Suzy]

I agree that pain is worse than anything - I've never had kids, but had broken ankles and surgery and pins to repair, a hysterectomy and nothing compared to tearing my gastrocnemius. And I still don't run.

Good luck on your Black Belt - and it is not cheating if you are medically unable to compete in that portion.