Unapproachable, Unfriendly, and Let's Get Down To Business, Shall We?

So, I heard something pretty interesting about myself this week.

One of my daughters had a friend scheduled to come over - it's a scheduled "Let's watch Jersey Shore every Thursday night!" kind of thing, after they had gone out to dinner. In the interim time, he elected to go home, rather than hang out at our house. It was only an hour or so until what they've termed "Jersday" begins -  it's quite the event in my house, Thursday evenings, what with an assortment of various friends showing up and snacks and such - and I queried why he'd not stayed.

Apparently, according to my daughter, he's afraid of me. And he's not the only one.

When we were at the doctor's office yesterday, (we had an appointment scheduled with 3 doctors for a consultation - and I *left* after an hour, completely pissed off because no doctors bothered to show up and it turned out that one never planned to be there and one wasn't going to be able to be there until over an hour LATER than the appointment time.) Allegra told me that she thought the office staff didn't want to mess with me. She compared the situation to her friends - supposedly no one wants to be around me. When I quesitoned it, I heard the following things:

My friends are afraid of you.

You come across as "let's get down to business, I don't have time for nonsense".

They think you don't like them.

You are unapproachable. An innocent bystander wouldn't want to come up to you and ask for spare change.

We are scared of you.

Depending upon the environment you are in, you aren't very friendly.

When I said, "Ow, shot straight to the heart!" Allegra told me, "You don't have feelings."

Well, hmmmm. I do have a tendency to be rather business like, and I am pretty practical - but I'd like to think that I'm friendly as well.I don't have time to play games, to mess around - and maybe that comes across as unfeeling. Mostly, I think, I'm just overwhelmed all the time and my tunnel vision, my sinking into my own brain in order to clear out the chaos, comes across bitchy.  It's an interesting conundrum, to be sure - and one that I haven't pondered for quite a while.

I'm really interested to know - if you know me in real life, am I really *that* unapproachable?

And do I really want to have this conversation? I feel like, maybe, I don't want to know.

Please to be kind to me - I'm a gentle flower, easily bruised. :)

Comments

[Megan]

Isn't it a good thing if a male friend of your daughter's is scared of you?

[mary]

i think perhaps ye are bullshit free like myself and I love ya for it! Tell all those teens to get jobs. lol. and dont you also attract the crazies? also like myself? there, you are all good. Teen boys should live in fear. and the Dr appt bullshit? I bet the office is embarassed about that too!!

[wookie]

I don't know you in person but I do know that despite years of carefully choosing my words so that I am as fair and neutral as possible, that my body language betrays my feelings. And I am a tense person almost always.

[jadine]

I know of what you speak. I only have two kids, and I feel like between them, the house, work, baseball...I'm just always tense and puckered up. It takes concentration to juggle flaming chain-saws, and I don't think I have the capacity to juggle and be perky at the same time :( I don't look or talk like a happy person anymore.

I keep typing and deleting, so I'll stop now. I just wanted to let you know that even though I don't know you in person, I get what you're saying.

[Caren]

I dont know you in person, but I do know that I come across as tense and "witchy" as my husband terms it. Its usually when I'm up to my chin in chaos and trying to figure out how to control everything and make it go the way I want it to. I'm not sure how to help you, but just know you're not the only one. I'm sure my daughter's friends will probably be afraid of me too. :)

[Sara]

If I'm right, that last line says it all: I'm a gentle flower, easily bruised.

I'm the same way, and I would not be surprised to hear that people and kids feel the same way about me. I put up walls to protect myself so that I don't project the needy, scared person I am. I figure if you don't tell people that something scares the crap out of you, they won't know! ;-)

It's not that I don't like all the kids who (rarely) come by, it's just that I don't have time to deal with them because I have a case of tunnel vision, too. However, I'm trying harder to smile and ask sincerely how they're doing.

And the Dr.'s office had every right to be scared, because you had every right to be P.O'd and let them know about it!

[Bridget]

I've met you and I certainly not scared of you! I can see that you're a get-down-to-business type but I am, too. I've had people tell me that when they first met me, they thought I was a complete snob. Turns out I'm just really busy and to the point, but now that I know I come across that way sometimes, I'm trying to do better about stopping and smiling and saying hello even when I'm hours behind on all I need to get done. But it's haaaard for me.

[DebB]

I don't know you in person, but I wish I could :) I think I tend to be much the same way as you but am working on slowing down and connecting better with others (and myself).

As for the teenager perspective, I see from my oldest girls that they can be quite perceptive, but sometimes have distorted views that are colored by their own feelings and insecurities. I think kids might not understand time constraints well enough to realize what an outrage it is for the doctor's office to so inconsiderately waste your precious time or how important it can be to make a fuss to ensure that they are more considerate to others in the future.

Yes, we probably need to "lighten up", but it is no easy task with all of the demands from others. We don't give ourselves the luxury that teens do to "hang out".

[Rox]

I wish your daughter and her friends could see the woman who sat down across from me at a Starbucks at my first BlogHer (Chicago) and engaged in a thorough and thoughtful conversation that was, at the time, way more meaningful than most conversations I had with close friends for years. The thing about being to-the-point is that it can be extremely valuable at times, much more better than the platitudes that most people live their lives by. If people are scared of/by/around you, I daresay it's because they can't handle your directness, and honesty, and being looked into the eye by a strong woman and told "this is what I need." When the world is a little bit better for your daughter, and for her daughter, and for hers, it's because women like you paved the way by standing their ground and expecting the world to Behave (capital "B" on purpose). We've only shared a few conferences together, so this advice may seem strong for someone who, ultimately, doesn't know you *that* well, but trust me when I say, confidently: there is nothing at all wrong with you. I wish I knew more people like you, actually.

[addy]

Carmen,
Haven't met you in person - been here for a long while. You are doing your best to manage an intense family and busy lives. No one has time for the bs. Ever. Dr offices and teens do not need to be coddled. If more folks were direct we would all be better for it. Teenage boys need to grow a big hairy set and deal with it all. It doesn't get easier as you age ;)

[Sandy]

Carmen,

I don't know you in real life so I can't comment....but I have heard the same comments about myself. I think I am very practical and I don't let people take advantage of me. I am currently dealing with a contractor who refuses to rectify a certain repair situation and because I am being relentless and not allowing this guy off the hook...I am being labeled a B***h. sigh!

You come across to me as capable, organized and someone who puts forward their best so expects that in return. You are a strong woman....let me hear you roar!!! xxoo!!

[Stephanie]

I love your blog and think you're great! However....if it does bother you that others are "afraid" of you, then that's easily fixable. Your daughter (in the unsubtle teenage ways) was trying to help you by telling you how her friend feels. Next time you see her friends, the doctor, etc., make an effort to be friendlier, etc. A little can go a long way.

[MaryD]

Well, most of my children's friends start out afraid of me, but end up with a huge amount of respect for me.

I look at it this way, you come to my house, you play by my rules (be nice, clean up after yourself, no vulgar language, etc...). I think for MANY of these kids (and I mean all ages including teens), this is the first time someone has held their feet to the fire.

They may start out telling my girls "man, your mom is strict." But guess where they usually end up? That would be here. The kids know if they ask my opinion, I'm going to tell them, if they screwed up I'm going to tell them. But, if they want an honest answer to a question, ANY question, I'll give it them. They know I HATE injustice and I'll go the mat for any of them, my children or others.

My oldest just went off to college (full ride, thank you very much:). This summer she was going to meet friends after work and go to the movies. They were work friends, so you better believe I trotted up there to meet them, and grill the boy who was driving on his driving experience, skills, etc...They all gave her a hard time about me, but guess who is going on to college and has some type of future planned out? That would be mine. And when one of those kids (still and my daughter isn't here)ride falls through, guess who they call in a panic for help? Yep, that would be me.

So, guess what? Call me a bitch, call me a witch I DON'T CARE. I know people are afraid of me, but if they do what they say they are going to do, I will bend over backwards to help. I may look slightly crazed most of the time, but everyone has learned I am a straight shooter, I take no prisoners and I call it like I see it.

So, in a loonnng round about way, I guess I am telling you, it is all good. If you are kind to people and true to your word, people will figure that out and it works out in the end. The doctor's office knew they had messed that up and they should be apologising profusely to you and I would be dropping a line to each Doctor's office administrator on the unprofessional treatment you received (no pun intended), and explain nicely how you expect them to rectify it.

Just my 2 cents (ok probably up to 15 cents) worth, and to let you know you are not alone.

[TyKes Mom]

I'd be very interested to know your Myers Briggs Personality Type. I would guess you are an INTJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judicial) which tend to come across very cold though they are very warm and loving on the inside. It may be interested to look into your type and see how people view you so you can try to show them how you truly are. Just a thought. :-)

[Trudy]

Good. They should be afraid of you. You're not there to be their friend or cushy with them. You're there to protect your daughter.

As for the doctor appointment, please imagine me standing on a chair yelling, 'You GO Girl!' I've done the same. If the staff didn't want to mess with you, good. They should have been forthright and rescheduled you right up front rather than make you wait for an hour.

My daughter used to get embarrassed when I was pleasant to the cashier at the food store. "Why do you need to make best friends with the cashier every time we go to the store?! It's embarrassing!" My response, "Get over it. They work hard and people treat them like crap. They deserve to have someone speak to them like a human being."

[Rick]

I can't explain what happened at the doctors' office, but I was a teenager once and the kid is hiding something from you. Teenagers are always hiding things from adults, but this particular kid thinks that you are the type of adult that can pry this secret out of him. He's not afraid of you necessarily--he's afraid of what you might find out.
Just my humble opinion!

[NikkiMoon]

Wow, I can relate. I think for me and having these 6 awesome kids as my responsibility I developed a way about me so that I am taken seriously. I'm not a push over or one to be taken advantage of. I don't shy away from medical professionals or school administration and if I feel the need I will question them.Also, when I have a tight schedule , I need my kids to pay attention and do as asked. Their close friends seem to know that it's just how I am at times. I honestly don't see these qualities as a bad thing. My father in law often calls me the Drill Sargent but I get things done. :)

[Laura]

I don't know you in person, but unless you think your daughter is outright lying AND you really care whether her friends are scared of you or not, I don't think it would hurt to conciously think about how you are coming off when they are around. It never hurts to examine ourselves to make sure we are giving off the same impression that we think we are to people. I would be that there is something to what she is saying or she wouldn't have said it.

[jadine]

And another thing!
Nikkimoon said: "Also, when I have a tight schedule , I need my kids to pay attention and do as asked."

Yes! to this.

And one last thing: My kids saw me cry once (I'm not really a crier), and totally freaked out. I had to tell them that I'm a person, too, and I have feelings and sometimes get sad. It took a while for them to get it, and showed me that I might be coming across as emotionless. (Also shows the egocentric nature of kids their age). Sigh. Mom's a person with feelings, what a concept.

[WebSavvyMom]

-->Since I walked up to you and introduced myself a month ago, I thought you were very approachable and friendly.
As cruise director of your household, you need to be focused on what needs to be done for each person and in what order.

[jp]

I don't have time for the crap, I am a bottom line person too. Doesn't mean I am not friendly or can't converse, but I am not into drama, etc. I say what I mean, and mean what I say.

I think some kids get wrapped in bubble wrap these days and it is a bit of a shock to their system to have to follow house rules. Eh, they'll get over it.

[ArdenLynn]

I don't read here often but something made me stop by today and the subject is really interesting.
I have 8 kids 19 to 3. Most older kids are NOT used to having parents around and some really don't like it. So many kids are left alone to run things for themselves and the kids never really see a functional family or mom who gives a flip.
And, the guy sounds like a douche. You don't rag on someone's MOM!! You open your house to these clowns and NOBODY is grateful? When beloved daughter goes out to dinner does she offer to bring something home to you? On her dime? Sounds like "Jersday" needs to find a new venue and let the spoiled brats pound sand.
p/s Let her read this and thank her lucky stars she doesn't have ME for a mom.

[Brenda]

I can really relate to this. I try to avoid letting my kids have friends over because I just don't have time to entertain and when they do I am usually abrupt and just getting on with what I have to do.

Also, I have to be really careful when talking to certain friends who don't have such hectic work-from-home/homework responsibilities as I do. I don't want them to think that I think I am more important because I am so much busier (I don't think it comes across that way, I am just hyper introspective about the things I say). But I also have to keep it clear that most of the time I really don't have time to go to lunch or hang out while our younger kids play or babysit. Just because I am home doesn't mean I can be your babysitter! Whoa, a little pent-up feelings there. Sorry!

[Suki]

As someone who is both naturally pretty approachable (as demonstrated by the fact that I am ALWAYS the one that people ask for directions/help, etc) and who doesn't take crap, I guess I don't see those two qualities as being mutually exclusive. I try to give everyone a chance, but if you blow that chance, I'm not afraid to drop the hammer.

I also find that acting in ways that make me approachable really doesn't take much time at all- I make eye contact, I smile, if it's someone I know, I ask how they're doing. Even on days I'm not really feeling it, I try to make the effort. Maybe it's different for me because this is something that comes naturally, but I find that for me approaching the world and people in this way makes my day to day life more pleasant. I guess I figure that I'm going to have to deal with people constantly, so I might as well make it pleasant. Anyway, I'm not trying to be a troll or discount other people's experience on this, just wanted to share my opinion.

[kyooty]

My mom had 5 kids, she also didn't have time for "crap". I'd say looking back when I was a teen? and didn't have anything at all ever to really really really think about beyond "when's supper?" I probably thought that they didn't hve time? But really they had time for the important things like asking who I was with and insisting my boyfriends come into thehouse before I left. Some of them didn't "like" mom and you will note I only married 1 of them.