Anxiety and The Toll It Can Take on a Family

A loyal and (very pretty!) reader sent a email to me, and with her permission, I'd like to share it with you.

I'm dealing with an almost identical situation, and I'd love to hear what you have to share.

You've mentioned that one or two of your kids suffer from anxiety. How do you handle it? My 9 year old girl has anxiety issues (they are genetic, I think; my mom and my brother both have major issues with anxiety). She seems to feel as if she is responsible for everything, like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. She has an awesome imagination, and is super smart, and that actually makes it worse as she is easily able to mentally put herself into bad situations and imagine how it would feel, like if the house were to burn down, or if hubby and I divorced, etc.

I somewhat understand how anxiety works, but with it being my child I'm at a loss. She has had a stable life, no major downs for her. She comes across as an "old soul" that prefers playing alone than in a group, cannot tolerate her peers misbehaving and takes it personally... I've talked to her about not owning other's behavior, that all she can do is control her own behavior, and I know she knows that but I think she honestly can't help it. I think she may need counseling, but in my large town (or small city, depending on how you look at it), there is one counseling center that deals with children and they don't have a good reputation. It is hard to watch your child go through this, and while I'm always supportive and understanding, I know that ultimately she has to find the tools to deal with her anxiety issues. I've read tons of articles on the web about this, but I wondered how you handle this in your family? I'm afraid the counseling center will want to put her on meds, (they have the rep for being "pill happy") and I don't want that. Not now, not at her age. 

And you know, it's easy for me to feel as if it's my fault. As if somehow, I've caused this. I can tell myself it's obviously genetic, but you know how it is; I still feel as if I've blown it with her. We do communicate, fortunately. She's good at writing out her thoughts and feelings and sharing them with me. But it's so hard sometimes, to have a child that is in so many ways not a child. Any thoughts you can share would be helpful. Do you think some of your other readers have these kinds of issues? Sometimes I feel as if my child is the only one like this.

Um, no - your child is DEFINITELY not the only one like this. As I was reading your email, I found myself nodding along. One thing that immediately came to mind was a FANTASTIC book I read and gave to my anxiety prone child. Called What to do When You Worry Too Much - my kid has read it over and over and we utilize many of the scenarios and act them out when my kid is struggling.

Please share your thoughts.

Comments

[NotAMeanGirl]

My son is a lot like this! I never realized it could be anxiety related though. I just thought he was "Overly sensitive. Being someone that has anxiety issues myself, I feel like crap that I didn't realize it could be manifesting in him through this sort of thing. I'll be looking into that book Carmen. Thanks!

[Headless Mom]

Finding a counselor that is good, even for just a few sessions could help tremendously. Also, I've found with my 11 yo that he is less anxious/emotional/drama since he has 'found' music. He started taking piano and sax and it has made all the difference in the world. Not sure whether it's finding a passion or feeling like he 'fits' but it's working. Many, many less episodes in our house.

Good luck.

[Becki]

My son, too, struggles with a lot of these issues. And yes, I think there is a genetic component, as my son's mom experiences a fair bit of anxiety herself. I'm going to look into that book, and keep the lines of communication open the best I can.

[Laura H.]

Thanks a bunch Carmen! I will definitely be looking into that book; already have it bookmarked.

[Jamie]

Don't know if this will be helpful or not-- five years ago I was reading about the importance of long-chain fatty acids for healthy brain function (and development) and started taking fish oil supplements. Shortly afterward I was able to discontinue the anti-anxiety meds I was taking at the time, and I haven't needed them since. I wouldn't hesitate to try fish oil supplements with a 9yo, especially since most American kids don't have many dietary sources of long-chain fatty acids. (I would look for fish oil from small ocean fish, since fat from larger fish like salmon can have worrisome levels of contaminants.)

[Trudy]

Dear Loyal and Pretty Reader,

Your description of your daughter could have been a description of me at the same tender age. As a 52 year old adult, I continue to struggle with anxiety and severe depression which meds have helped mediate. I am NOT suggesting the same for your daughter but only sharing what worked for me for the last 5 years.

My mother, sister and daughter all struggle to one degree or another. Each has managed it differently; my mother with drinking, my sister with anger, my daughter with talking things out with her fiancee or me or a trusted older friend (read here - grandma type figure). Naturally, the latter is the preferred method! :-)

I learned through counseling that my anxious thoughts are called catastrophic self-talk. I allowed an overactive imagination to paint pictures of all sorts of tragedies and how I would respond to them. I never talked them out with anyone.

First, that you are aware of them is excellent. No one in my family was. Second that she talks to you is the major part of the battle. The way my counselor handled it was to help me see the catastrophic thoughts and negative self-talk, then taught me to change the negative self-talk by asking me to do positive self-talk. Also, he helped me see how I handled the 'tragedies' in my past in order to inform me about how I would handle them in the future and WAS handling them in the present.

The journaling she is doing is excellent and what my counselor recommended for me. To get the issues up and out as opposed to swallowing them is very healthy.

Hope this helps in some tiny way. May God bless your efforts.

[addy]

Finding a good counselor that accepts new children is extremely difficult. I worked in the behavioural health field for awhile. We had to turn parents away daily. We were at capacity for kids. Keep looking - even a few sessions will go a very long way. You are doing everything right for your situation. Keep communication open and help her continue writing. It all helps.

[Karen]

Though I'm not a kid (anymore), I can totally relate. I've tried a variety of drug and non-drug therapies and am still trying to find the right balance. I would definitely encourage finding a counselor (I think some now even do online sessions via Skype) after an initial in-person consultation if the ones in your area aren't a good fit. I waited much too long to address my anxieties (until my late 20s) and by that time I had manifested into anxiety-fueled anxiety, where the potential feeling of anxiety I knew I could feel in a situation had completely debilitated me from functioning and ever leaving my house.

Does her school have a counselor who could assist? She's probably too young for an online forum, but if she likes to write, maybe a pen pal that struggles with the same issues?

Hugs to you and your willingness to help! I do NOT have parents supportive of my troubles and it is lovely to hear that you are rallying around her and being her advocate.

[ellen]

Sorry to shout, but I LOVE THAT BOOK! We skipped parts that weren't pertinent to her particular needs, and it worked wonders for our (at the time) K daughter. This year she re-read it and we talked about some of the techniques as we prepared her to enter a new school in a new state. It is a wonderful resource.

[Longtime Reader]

I am the Mom who wrote the email that Carmen posted, and that she so generously shared her space with me is just so nice of her! It has been immensely reassuring to see these comments, to hear that this is known to other people, and that we aren't (as I had feared) treating it absolutely the wrong way. I will be ordering that book tomorrow; I talked to my daughter about the book, and since she is a voracious reader, she was totally on board with it. I'm going to go through the school to try to get her a referral to a counselor (the school counselor can only see the kids twice a year, yuck!) and see where we go from there. Thank you everyone. I feel much better :)

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

Thank you Longtime Reader for sharing your story. This book looks excellent, and I going to check it out.

[Iowamom]

All good ideas! I also would try to analyze the child's diet and see if carbs/grains/gluten might trigger some feelings. I know I have a child who is sensitive to the above and he gets testy and a little amped up. If we limit those in his diet he feels great. Just a thought.

[DebB]

Thanks for the book suggestion! I just put a request for it into our library system.

[Longtime Reader]

You all are just awesome! The book has been ordered through Amazon, and I let my daughter read the "preview" on Amazon. She giggled at the introduction (tomato ice cream Mom? LOL) so she's excited to get it. And I will be glad to have something concrete for us to share! I do want to mention her best friend's Mom is helping out as well. This girl has a lot of good people on her side, and I'm ever so thankful for it!

[kids issues]

My son has always been a sensitive guy. He is a very empathetic person. Unfortunately his Dad is extreemly far from sensitive to anyone except himself. After 19.5 years of marriage I finally left him. He is now using my son as a way to hurt me. My son has gone through huge bouts of anger and depression over the last few years. And it is hard to get any therapeutic support for him. Even at school he had no allies or anyone to talk to. Thank God for Miss Chorney a teacher that has taken him under her wing. She saw through the anger and has been a super help. I was able to access the mental crisis team as well as therapy via my work. But we have decided that right now Miss.Chorney has got the ticket. Thank you for bringing up such an important topic.