Six years ago, I had an 18 month old baby. She was one year younger than her closest sibling, and followed four others. So, six total. My life was wrapped up in my kids and my life was chaotic. I began the journey into spectrum disorders and dealt with a metric butt ton of garbage that I don't wish on anyone in many aspects of my life. I was completely overwhelmed and has gotten into a *very* dangerous habit of consoling myself with food. Angry? Eat. Sad? Eat some more. Overwhelmed? Stuff my face. Happy? Fill my gut.
I rewarded any and all small - or large - victories as if I was a dog - with food. It was not a pretty sight and I was not happy. So I decided that I'd start to try to lose weight, and I told absolutely no one. Not one person. Not even my spouse.
This weekend I participated in an event called "Get Fit", sponsored by my city Recreation Center and held at a city park. I woke up early Saturday morning and went for a 2 mile walk with my husband before he went to work.(It's just about the only way we see each other any more.) I came home, ate breakfast, got my kiddos situated and ran the 2 miles to the set up of the event.
It was amazing.
Every class that the rec centers offer was a participant. When I arrived, a Zumba class was going on, and so I jumped in to that. I did the last four songs. When it was over, I meandered to some of the other stations.
Boxing was the first one I did, naturally. :)
After that, I made my way to the other stations. I took a 20 minute TRX class. (There was boot camp, partner pilates, Tai-Chi and self defense ground jiu-jitsu.)
I went to the Ropes.
This was my favorite station, by far. It was only about 10 minutes, but I was EXHAUSTED at the end. We worked arms harder than I've EVER done. I'd be interested in signing up for this. The instructor, that man standing on the metal table, was 100 kinds of awesome. Resembling nothing so much as a drill sergeant, he yelled and screamed and encouraged - at one point, he pointed at me and screamed, "Yes! That's how you do it! That's what I want to see!" At the end of the time, I went to thank him and he thanked ME, saying that I was a very hard worker and he'd love to have me in class any time.
After that, I took an intro to kettlebells. I am not new to kettlebells, being that I work out with them all the time, but it was a good class. While I was working out, the instructor said to me, "Can you stay for the next class? In fact, can you just stay here all day? You are a great student."
Both of these incidents were amazing to me. Let me explain why.
When I train, I work hard. I work harder than just about anyone else. But I work out with almost all kids. There are not many people my age - most of the students are in their teens and twenties. A 42.75 year old woman has a completely different body than a 16 year old. I don't think many of them, and in fact I venture to say the instructors as well - have any idea how much harder it is for a woman in her 40's to do the things - at the SAME level, if not higher - than the young kids. And frequently, I can't. I often feel as if I'm lagging, I'm struggling - I'm always playing catch up, the last one in, the last one to finish. I play games in my head, try to beat times, to hold planks longer, to do just.one.more.push.up, to get an extra sit up under my belt.
I have confidence issues. Yes I do.
But on Saturday, I was with people my own age, and I realized something powerful about myself.
I can do it. I do work hard. And when the field is leveled - I'm not the suck ass that I feel I am.
Six years ago, I couldn't walk around the block without sitting on the curb.
Literally. I sat three times because I was winded. The third time, I cried.
And I'm not where I want to be, right now. My tummy is pudgier than I'd like, my arms are flabby and my legs thick. More often than not, I chose a cupcake to go with my salad, and I do like my vodka.
I'm strong, and I like that. Most of the time, I like what I see in the mirror.
Requisite bathroom shot when I was out for dinner with my husband and some of his coworkers
I'm strong and I'm capable and that's what I want to share with you - you can be strong and capable. You can. It's within you.
So what if you can't walk 6 miles? So what if you can't press 100 pounds? So what if you can only hold a plank for 10 seconds? Start. Start now. Start small. Start today.
Some of you get it. Some of you are reading this, thinking to yourself, "Why is she saying this? I work out. I watch my foods. I get it." Some of you don't. Some of you don't think you have time to exercise. Some of you think you don't have money to exercise. Some of you think you'll never get there, so why even try? Some of you think you can't do it, you've failed before, you have big bones and big parents and you've always been big your entire life and you'll never be an athlete. Some of you are afraid of failing and so you won't even try.
Try.
Love yourself enough to try. After all, where will you be in five years? Will you be the same you, or will you take the small steps you can to better yourself - those small steps of which all of you are capable?
I never thought I could do it, but this weekend, one small tiny event that probably most of the participants have forgotten, showed me differently.
I did it. You can do it too.
Carmen, I needed this so much tonight. Thank you.
Posted by: Becki | October 16, 2011 at 09:41 PM
Before I had kids I was extremely fit! I ran everyday and did weight training. After kids, not so much! I really slacked and as a result felt miserable. This past summer I finally did it, made a commitment to get back to it. I run on the weekend and during the week use my elliptical almost every night and have been tuning into Tracy Anderson stuff on U-Tube. It's free! I feel so much more like my old self. It's only been about two months but I see a difference and I feel stronger. No matter how tired I am at the end of the day I just go for it, so glad!
Posted by: maggie | October 16, 2011 at 09:45 PM
"Some of you are afraid of failing and so you won't even try."
I sometimes wonder if this is at that core of my not even trying.
I got into great shape between the birth of my second and third children, lost some after my third and have completely given up after my fourth. I alternate between being in denial about the shape that I am in, and being angry at and disgusted with myself.
There's all of the, "eating right takes effort, working out takes time," but I think there is a healthy dose of, what if I try, and nothing...? Thank you for a thought-provoking post.
Posted by: KatieButler | October 16, 2011 at 10:24 PM
thanks, Carmen. after 6 kids and 100 extra pounds, I ofter hate myself and think I will never be fit. you make me think maybe I can.
Posted by: Lisa | October 16, 2011 at 10:49 PM
I'm so glad that the event was everything you needed it to be, and more. I know how hard you work and how strong you are and it's really nice to see you believe it for once!
Posted by: Headless Mom | October 16, 2011 at 10:51 PM
Beautiful post! Really, just wanted I needed. Thank you for taking the time to say this.
Posted by: Jen | October 16, 2011 at 10:57 PM
Thank you.
Posted by: Sabz | October 17, 2011 at 01:02 AM
Thank you for this.
I work out every day. Every day my work outs make me cry because I get so frustrated that I can't keep up. Seriously. I cry. That in itself makes me mad. I want to just see it as a challenge to overcome but sometimes it's nothing but disheartening.
But I keep doing it. I want to see results faster than I am, but I AM seeing them. Super duper slowly (is this because I'm looking down the barrel at 50 in a couple of years?), but I am. I have been working out, hard, 5 days a week for two months and I have lost not even one pound. This is ALL kinds of frustrating. But I'm a little stronger. I have a tiny bit of definition showing in my arms. A tiny bit, mind you, but I know it's there. My endurance seems a bit higher.
I still overeat and eat junk-y stuff that I have no business even thinking about. I crave sugar like nobody's business. Maybe that's why I'm not losing the pounds.
Anyway, just wanted to sort of get that out there, and thank you for this post because it is very very encouraging! You are truly a source of inspiration for me! Thank you.
Posted by: Mariah | October 17, 2011 at 01:23 AM
Great post. Thank you!
Posted by: bama Cheryl | October 17, 2011 at 08:54 AM
Here's my story: Summer of 2010 I threw out my back for the 2nd time in 3 years and was flat on my back, unable to walk and completely out of my mind in pain for 2 weeks. My husband brought me to my Chiro and he basically told me no more walking and work on my core, as my hamstrings were super tight and my body was just giving out. Too much of one exercise ain't good.
So having never formally exercised in my entire life (since high school) I signed up for a Barre Fusion (ballet, yoga, pilates) at a cool looking studio. I started going once and week. The classes were an hour & 15 minutes. First class I thought I was going to die. I fell over doing a side plank. I could only hold 2 lb weights. But I kept at it. Little by little, once a week I endured this humiliation. After about 6 months of plodding along, I noticed I was getting stronger and I upped my weights and I added another class during the week. I noticed that my body didn't ache when I woke up in the am. Mind you, I still walk about 15 miles a week, but I don't do it as much as I used to.
I haven't lost any weight, but my butt is more defined, my arms are stronger and my stomach is flatter. It's even brought out a competitive streak in me - I want to hold my plank the longest in the class! So I totally agree Carmen, start something, no matter how small and stick with it. I just turned 45 last Sunday. If I could turn into a jock at this age, anybody can!
Posted by: Jennifer | October 17, 2011 at 09:28 AM
I'm hypothyroid and have been working out hard for over a year now. (and tracking my calories) I've only managed to lose a total of 8lbs.. In a year. I've been feeling pretty depressed about that lately. About how I work hard and though I am more toned there's not a noticeable difference in my appearance. I guess I need to be more self positive. Thank you for this post. I'll keep trying and someday maybe I'll get there....
Posted by: Brandy | October 17, 2011 at 02:17 PM
Thanks for the great post! I was in shape & loved working out through my mid-20's, then I met the man I would marry, and his lifestyle was completely different. I gained more and more weight, and now at the age of 43, need to lose more than 100 pounds. It seems over-whelming to think of the total, so I'm trying to think of it in smaller increments. My blood pressure is also now high for the first time in my life & I have got to be motivated to change, for myself and for my daughter.
Posted by: Vicky | October 17, 2011 at 06:03 PM
have you thought about being a fitness trainer? sounds like you would be a good fit strong, mature, go getter, energetic, motivational...
Posted by: Sandra | October 17, 2011 at 06:53 PM
3 kids in 6 years (6, 3 1/2 and 22 months) and I'm running the NYC Marathon on November 6th. I"m doing it for charity but if you'd told me I'd be able to run 26.2 miles this time last year I'd have said you were out of your mind.
Posted by: Jenn | October 17, 2011 at 07:32 PM
What an awesome and inspiring post. Thank you.
Posted by: LisaK | October 17, 2011 at 07:51 PM
Wow - I just realized that apparently I've been reading you for 6 years now! Your weight loss & fitness story is always an inspiration - WTG on taking it off and keeping it off and I'm sure there are several 20-somethings who see you at the gym & are amazed. Don't sell yourself short!
Posted by: Amy | October 17, 2011 at 08:38 PM
I needed to hear this tonight. I'm pregnant and have a 2 year old. And work full time. And... I have such a laundry list of reasons that I don't have time or energy or motivation. But when you really get down to it, I need to do this. It will make me feel better. I will be a better mom and spouse. I think I'll start tonight and take a page out of your book and tell noone (except of course, all these random people who read the comments, lol). I'm going to save your post for when I need to read it again. Thank you!!
Posted by: cate | October 18, 2011 at 03:21 AM
"Love yourself enough to try."
beautiful. you are wonderful.
Posted by: Stephanie ODea | October 18, 2011 at 10:55 AM
"Some of you are afraid of failing and so you won't even try."
As a kid, though I was very athletic, I had my weaknesses, and this statement was me in spades; I would just shut down. Now, I am like you with the personal goals...one more this, a little longer that, and while I don't *really* care how I measure up to others, it sure is great when I have the occasion to realize that I'm not only doing good compared to myself, but just plain doing good! Everyone will get that feeling, if they're really trying at something, at some point. Congrats and thanks for sharing. And remember this day the next time, and every next time, you may feel as if you're falling short.
Posted by: Lesli | October 19, 2011 at 10:42 PM
Thank you - I love this. Before kids, I was thin, fit, and worked out a lot. That was 9 years ago - and sometimes I'm almost paralyzed in fear of what will happen when I get back into shape - what will all the extra skin look like? You inspire me - not only have you accomplished the monumental task of losing a lot of weight by changing your lifestyle to that of healthier eating, balancing your role of wife and mother with taking care of yourself, and exercise, you have also kept the lifestyle for six years. You look awesome! Your body looks great! I can look at you and think - she once was where I am (with more kids) and I can go where she is. My body has changed - gravity, pregnancy, and breastfeeding have changed it, but not that much. What is really changing it is 60 or 70 too many pounds and unbalanced eating and lifestyle. I love how real you are. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Barbie | October 22, 2011 at 12:18 PM