Roller Coasters Do Not Thrill Me

And neither do black tunnels. And today was a day that was, mostly, a ride of deep darkness through a black, downward spiral of a tunnel.

I just do not know how much more I can take of this.

My two atypical (neuro a typical, which I'm not quite sure is the correct terminology, but I'm too fried to care) are both floundering, and I'm really tired of dealing with it. Yes. I know. It could be WORSE. Thank you. I've heard that before. And YES, I know, you see very little evidence of this at school. I'm delighted for you. You have NO idea HOW delighted I am for you. Can I BE YOU?

Because me? I see it in SPADES AT HOME.

A person who has issues with noise and loudness cannot be screamed at when in the depths of a full out spectrum fit. So don't do it. And when said person flips out and runs away and barricades in a bedroom and screams for the 10 minutes I'm gone to Black Belt rehearsal and I have to turn immediately around, skip out on practice and leave a kid behind without me and drive home at roughly twice the speed limit? Don't be stunned when I'm pissy and frustrated.

BTW - I do not CARE if YOU'VE NEVER seen this person having a fit. Should I TAPE one for you? I can, and then play it back at approximately one hundred zillion decibels. And when said fit occurs in your general proximity, you'd better HOPE and pray that you haven't just had YOUR wisdom teeth out and a flailing hand smacks YOU on your face, which causes you to scream and pop a stitch and bleed while unmedicated -

yes. Let us fervently pray that you can escape said action.

And a person who has attention issues and disorganization issues cannot be expected to REMEMBER everything that you - a generic you - toss in that direction at what might as well be the speed of light, and relying upon someone ELSE to remind said disorganized individual - when that someone else may very well be distracted or, I dunno, DISORGANIZED AS WELL - it's like, I dunno, the biggest ball of crap I've ever seen. And telling me that You've never seen (!) a student so disorganized! - you know, that's so not helpful either.

I've got a GREAT idea! I don't know why I never thought of it before!

Instead of making me feel like a terrible, horrid parent - and telling me, repeatedly, when I tell you that said individual punches their own HEAD in frustration, that We just don't see evidence of this at school! - let's let GO of the BLAME and the fault indicators and just address the issue. There's a problem. If I SAY there's a problem, you can trust me - I don't have the time or inclination or energy to CREATE a problem. It's December. And we've known this is a problem since, maybe, three years ago.

And being one person that bullies a parent because you are in a position of authority is so very wrong and I'm calling a fast and full STOP to the shenanigans as of this very second.

Yes. I'm grumpy and I'm irritable and I'm flippin' overwhelmed. Let me ask you this; are YOU dealing with what I'm dealing with - all by yourself on any given day?

I am ONE person. I'm doing this with a spouse who is gone every.single.homework/activity/practice/assembly/bedtime. And I must be doing something right, because 5 of 6 kids have honor roll - my college kid has a 3.5 GPA and he's working on becoming a police officer - and three of us are graduating from a very strenous Black Belt program that took 4 YEARS to accomplish. My house is reasonably clean, my kids eat healthy, homecooked meals and if I look grumpy and have little to no patience half much of the time - try being me for a day and then get back to me.

I'm fully aware that this is a pity party. I do not care. And if you want to comment in a constructive manner, please, do so, for I'd love to hear something that's beneficial. But if you want to tell me that It could be so much worse -

do me a favor and just don't. I would really like you to keep your kneecaps.

 

Comments

[Wendy]

How about if I just send hugs? I couldn't do half of what you do in one day, so that's all I've got.

[Eric Walsh]

Dear Carmen, I really don't have anything positive to say to this blog posting other thna "THANK YOU". I ma glad I don't feel alone. Your ok and i have nothing but respect for you.

[Cami]

love ya Carmen! You are amazing, your kids are loved within an inch of their lives - not every day will be like today - :)

[Tara]

I had a relative who was in a similar situation with a teacher at his kid's school (a Catholic elementary school). They were unhelpful and belittling and dragged their feet when it came to the kid. Nothing changed. Basically they made life miserable for everyone until he put his kid in public school where the kid excelled because they were better equipped to deal with the issues. I am not saying that is what you do. I'm only telling you this because I just remember thinking at the time that the Catholic school was more interested in teaching mainstream kids who didn't rock the boat. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I hope things calm down for you and everyone involved. You are a parenting hero. You should write a book! Don't let the fools get in your way. Just push them aside and keep going.

[Vicky]

Hugs to you!

[Jen]

My God. I have one, ONE, who is neuro atypical and I'm at my wits end. He holds it together at school (like yours) and loses his shit at home. On me. School is little to no help; we're not accustomed to that, as our previous school (before we moved across the country) was wonderful. Now? We're a couple of weeks from pulling him out to homeschool him. Something I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd do. But we can't continue on the path we're on and someone not die from stress and of this I do not kid.
So my verbal hug to you is screw everyone in your path as you do the right thing for your kids, NO ONE knows what goes on at home and screw 'em if they think they do, and I'm not going to argue with you, it can be pretty bad. :(

[Stacey B.]

Thank you for posting what you did. It shows me that I am not alnoe in this world, isolated from the 'picture-perfect, greeting card' types.

Each of us has our own struggles. Even if someone wanted to take the place in another's shoes, it just wouldn't be the same. Fifteen minutes is nothing; it is the day after day, struggle after battle, that wears us down.

Praying that your tomoorow is a brighter day. I certainly hope mine is.

[Evie]

You're allowed to have a pity party. And I've never liked going to the "it could be worse" train of thought to make me or someone else feel better - makes me feel like I'm taking a pot shot at someone who does have it worse.

You're a good mom Carmen - for the reasons you listed above and so many more.

[Nicki]

I would never tell you it could be worse. It sucks, no doubt about it. It really sucks when others don't get it, or refuse to get it. My middle son has had some great teachers/school personnel the last couple of years, and even then it isn't always easy. My oldest was not so lucky. So I get where you are coming from completely. You may not always feel like it, but I think you are truly a great mom and your kids are very, very lucky to have you in their corner.

[addy]

No lectures no words of wisdom - just love and hugs. I hope it eases up soon Carmen. I truly do.

[Headless Mom]

Know what? You rock as a mom and anyone who implies otherwise is a *&^*&%&^$^#$%^ idiot. You bust your ass every day to do your best for those kids. Let the haters be haters-they're probably miserable in their own lives anyway.

Christmas break is coming soon... you deserve the break. Love you! xoxo

[Lesli]

I can empathize with you regarding some people not getting that kids have different (meaning more subdued, and not evidenced) behaviors outside the home than in (but who doesn't?...and I consider that a blessing and preferred to the other way around), as well as, recently, a teacher who compared my 11 year old's behavior to his own 6 year old's behavior. Hmmm. While I got his general point (and it was a broad one), the comparison, along with the teacher's attitude, was less than pleasing, and the lack of empathy and understanding left me cold. Cold and pissed, as I've been having issues here that leave me exhausted and striving to facilitate a change before full adolescent hormone onslaught kicks in. Ha, good luck with that, right? ;)
I need a blanket, book, funky warm socks, and bottle of Bailey's, stat.

[sandy]

Sending you peaceful vibes!! Hang in there!!!

[Monica]

Know that you're not alone...there are many of us in the trenches with you and our atypical kids. Finding support is crucial....so is venting!
My atypical kid would start raging, spitting, throwing things the minute he got in the van (aka "spitmobile"). He held it together as long as he could and then he blew when he was safe with mommy. Oh lucky me! I later learned that it meant he had great compensatory skills because he wouldn't risk embarrassment by losing it in public. Eventually there were times when he couldn't contain himself until he was stabilized.

[Not Beehive]

Carmen, you are amazing. Don't even consider a post like this a pity party. I've got two "typical" children and I can't imagine dealing with everything you do with the strength and grace you've shown.

[Lisa]

It's hard as a mom to remember that we do know our children the best, not teachers or administrators.I will pray for you to receive peace and guidance. Hang in there Mama Bear!

[wookie]

Rock on. I constantly hear the "We just don't see it at school" stuff and it makes me want to (at best) bang my head against the wall.

I don't think teachers (and other parents) intend to be snooty about it but that is exactly how it feels.

And I can't even begin to describe how isolated I've felt as when I've stood up and talked about the awesome speech therapy my kids got, or OT or anything else... my intention is usually to encourage people to take advantage of the help that is available in our community when our kids are struggling. Instead, I somehow become the black sheep.

Really? Don't you think we could have better reasons to outcast someone than kids needing OT or speech therapy? It's okay if your kid steals, punches others or is a horrid bitch to his/her peers but needing speech therapy, baby, that's an unforgivable flaw.

K, going to go wind down now. Anyway... you're not alone!

[Christy]

When is your next scheduled day off from your life? If you don't have one scheduled, then tell your husband/mother/aunt/best friend that you need it. Like you said, you're one parent who is doing everything most of the time. And sure, you're doing well and that's awesome. But everyone needs a day off sometimes. Minimum 4 hours. Turn off your phone and let someone else deal with it for a little while.

And also? I don't know about your diocese, but mine has a person in the catholic education office who helps families with special needs get appropriate accommodations in school. Maybe you've already done that, I don't know. But maybe it's helpful to you?

[liz]

Sending hugs. Many many many hugs.

[Angela]

You know, I hear that A LOT about my neuro atypical child. NO EVIDENCE at school and I get that "you are crazy look". If there was ANY way to video his rages at home and play them back, I'd do it. Would love to show them what it looks like when he is hitting me. GRRRR. I wish I could give you a big hug.

[Pat]

Wafting aromatherapy scents of Peace and Serenity your way.

[LizP]

All I can do is send hugs through the interwebz!

[Iowamom]

Nothing but love coming from Iowa. Sometimes it's easier to deal with life one minute and a time. Lots of cyber hugs!

[MaryD]

Can't begin to imagine the spot you are in. Quick suggestion for the teacher ~ perhaps you can remind them that most children are able to "hold it together" at school. It is very common for children to wait until they get home to fall apart. They know (most homes at least)home is where they have unconditional love/support.

And personally, if the teacher is being really obnoxious, you bet I would tape said behaviour and bring it in to a conference, pointing out that the struggle to hold it together during school literally causes an ERUPTION at home.

And now that YOU KNOW this is a problem, what are WE going to do about it?

Just some quick thoughts for you. I feel your pain on the husband thing, I have the same thing here ~ and no drivers yet.

MaryD

[Cara]

I get that from my ex about my ADHD 6 year old and it drives.me.crazy. Of course you don't see it there, you have him 4 days a month and it's all fun and games with nothing requiring concentration. - end rant - I agree with the others about the private school system, my 19 yr. old's grade school had a resources coordinator that borrowed the services she needed from the public school system. They are usually not equiped to deal with anything other than the 'typical kid' but in my experience were willing to aquire what was needed.