Manners and Children - Especially Boys

I am quite certain that I am opening up a can of worms here.

Schwick. (That's totally the sound of a pop top opening.)

But when did manners go out of style? I mean, I've heard people - mostly older - lament the lack of manners for years. I've tried, with a variety of success, to instill manners in my children. To say " yes ma'am" and " no sir", to hold the door and to avoid interrupting other people - especially adults.

I've been somewhat, moderately successful.

That is, I'm required to remind them at least once, but often that is all that is required. I definitely do not count myself an authority in this. But at least I'm trying. I need to give myself credit for that.I receive compliments on my children's PUBLIC behavior and that makes me happy - it's not a compliment for me but really for them.  I see parents who don't value manners as much as I do, and although it makes me irritable - that's not the topic of this post.

When did it become A-OK for grownups to completely avoid manners when it comes to children - especially those who are not their own?

This story is 100% true. I'm not proud of the lack of manners which I exhibited.

I took my kids to the mall on Saturday. We were there to buy new sneakers and get hair cuts. It was cold outside. Very cold for us, not a record breaker, but cold. As we approached the door, I instructed my son to grab the door.

(In our house, I have instructed the boys to hold the door for ladies. I do not care if you consider it chauvinistic or out of date or whatever. The girls have been told to hold the door as well, but if a guy is there, I expect them to take a few quick steps ahead and open the door. My husband does it. My dad did it. My husband's dad does it. I'm all for equal rights, but I have taught the door holding rule).

Sue me.

My son grabbed the door, and as he did, we all noticed that there was a woman, maybe in her mid 40's, getting ready to come through with a couple of bigger bags in her hands. " Guys, hold up. Let her come through." My kids - those not holding the door - backed away - and she shoved through the door as if she was a fullback. She shoved the door hard enough that it knocked my child sideways, and said not one word to him. My kids went through, and then so did I, and as loudly as I could, I said, "Thank you for holding the door for us!"

Which caused the errant shopper to turn around, shoot me a black look and let out a huff. I know because I turned to see what she'd do. Because I knew it was wrong and I knew it was rude and, God help me - I absolutely did not care.

There were other shoppers coming behind us, and my son held the door for the entire family - who all managed to thank him. When he came into the store, he asked, "Why didn't she say thank you?" to which I replied, "Sometimes adults are rude." Ouch. Not the right response, because the family behind heard and the mom said to her husband, " Didn't I say thank you? I'm sure I did."

I felt like a total ass. Which I should have, because I was. Two rudes most emphatically do not make a right.

I apologized to them, explaining that it wasn't the right thing for me to do, and that I was frustrated.

Because I am.

So, so frustrated.

This isn't the first time that this has happened. More like the 250th. Time and again, I see adults plow past kids, cut them off in conversation, ignore them when they wait to ask a question.

I fail at this. All of the time, I fail at being polite. I snap out answers and sarcastic comebacks with the best of them, and use my words as weapons, designed to draw the first blood. After all, if I hurt you first, you might not be able to hurt me.

Maybe, just maybe, part of the reason that polite children grow up to be sullen impolite teens is that their early kindness goes unappreciated. Sure, there's an age aspect to it - hormones go crazy and teens epitomize self centered - but maybe, they've learned that it doesn't matter. They've seen their parents shove past little kids and run over other people with their strollers and cut other drivers off.

There's a boundary, to be certain, when it comes to politeness. (The following is my opinion ONLY and you do not need to tell me how wrong I am.) Children should learn to wait until adults have finished talking, for a space in the conversation, instead of plowing through with their wants and needs. I often tell my kids, "You can interrupt if it contains a fire or blood or a robbery." it's a bit over the top, but I'm trying for a more broad understanding. This is the same concept that applies to walking through doors when other people are holding them - politeness makes the world go 'round.

Well, that, and money.

I'm trying to balance their need to be heard with my desire to teach them to be polite. Because the world doesn't care if their shoe has come untied or if a sister took their book. In short, I'm trying to teach my kids that the world doesn't revolve around them. That they AREN'T the most important person in the world, but one of many that must get along with as many people as possible. It's a lesson that I think has gone haywire in the past 50 years - as we've tried to transfer from the often brutal Children should be seen and not heard! to the limp wristed Everyone has a self esteem like a fragile flower and we must do our best to make everyone feel important all the ding-danged day long.

The "Everyone gets a trophy!" mindset.

And, yes, I'm aware that I sound curmudgeonly and well beyond my years.

We should all be kind. Smile. Help each other out. Be NICE, damnit.

NO one needs this lesson more than me.

I've taken to reminding my kids - Is it kind? Is it polite? Is it necessary? If not, keep it to yourself. and I find myself muttering it all the flippin' day.

This post reminded me that people can be kind. They have before, and they will as long as time is fluid. We just need to make sure that we are being as kind as we can be, and modeling that behavior for our kids.

Something at which I failed this weekend, when all I wanted to do was succeed.

__________________________

Project 16/366 - We had four doctor appts today - 1 eye dr, 2 well checks and 1 orthodontist - that's what you do on your day off school 'round here.We live SUCH an exciting life. I did promise a photo a day, something that captures what we've been doing - I never said it'd be exciting. :)

Comments

[Genevieve]

I really agree with you on the door opening principle. It's basic politeness along with please and thank you. My oldest son, now 7, has been opening doors for others (families, elders, etc) for at least 2 years - he's seen me battle a mall door with the baby carriage and all without help. Some people are rude and don't acknowledge his effort but once in a while,someone stops and tells him: Thank you, young man! This makes his day and he's happy he did a good deed! As for interrupting people while they talk, he's learned a good trick when he was at daycare - when you want to talk to an adult who is already in a conversation, you put your hand on the adult's arm to warn them politely that you need their attention for a minute. When there's a break in conversation, the adult knows that the kid wanted to say something... he still does that as we're reading books at night and he want to comment! Thank you for your post!

[Shelly]

My mom taught my brothers to open the door for all 5 of us girls and for any woman...and to be the better person to hold it open for other men. My brothers have been teaching their sons to do that for their sisters and mother.

My husband's parents did not teach him or his brothers. And he has never held open or opened a door for me. He never asks our boys to do the same, but I sure do. Out of all my boys, my 11 year old makes sure he opens the door for me at all times and in all places. His manners are golden and his brothers, who have been taught the same thing and time, are not. BUT rest assured I am still working on it and will not give up.

[maggie]

Amen, sister! I dislike poor manners! I'm a teacher and having good manners is so much more important to me than handing out good grades!

[Cheri]

I completely agree with you! Manners are important and we've taken lots of care to instill them into our kiddos. It amazes me how many compliments we get when our kids (8 and 12) say "please" and "thank you" in everyday conversation or open doors or pick up something that a stranger has dropped to help them out. I'm glad they get recognized but it shocks me that we are so out of touch with being respectful to one another that a child doing what, in my mind, they should be doing is surprising to others. Sometimes it seems my husband and I are the only ones that are sticklers for manners. Glad to know we're not :) Oh, and I've been known to make my...um...sarcastic comments very loudly, too. Oops. Eh, we're works in progress, right??

[Wendy]

I try to teach ALL my kids to open doors for others. there is nothing I hate more than someone opening a door in front of me and then letting it shut in my face. Drives me batty, and I am constantly yelling at my kids for it. My son is probably the best at opening doors for others, and I would say about 90% of the time people say thank you. The other 10% I try to ignore, but it's not always easy, and I have had some experiences similar to this myself.

[elz]

I try to teach my kids that manners really do matter. I probably say "Thank You" more than anyone I know because I want them to know that everyone deserves recognition for what they do, from holding a door to giving you your food.

[addy]

Manners at all times are appropriate! I work with the public - lordy they need help. You were right in apologizing to the family. Don't miss and opportunity to say thank-you.

[lisa]

manners matter! kids and adults alike! my kids are the only ones in the school that consistantly thank the cafeteria ladies.

[Melanie Juhala]

This is such a big issue for me. And it's in the little things, you know? My hubby is a very polite person, but rarely said please of thank you to our children (He does now!!) because, simply, his parents never said it to him! (Okay, they still don't. But that's another matter.) They were of the all too common mindset that you don't need to treat your children with manners. But then WHO WILL? If they don't see it in practice at home where will they see it? School? TV? Video games? The mall?
Manners don't happen by accident. Good for you for teaching them to your kiddos. (And shame on the lady at the mall.)

[Becki]

My son, when he was younger, felt the need to always be the first through the door. It didn't matter what door, but if I opened it, he would sprint under my arm and in. I tried to teach him the whole "hold the door for women and others." but his need to be first always won out. I fixed this by clotheslining him one day as he tried to scoot around me. A few coughs and gasps later, and he saw how great letting Mommy go first was.(chuckle)

[Elizabeth]

One of my son's teachers sings high praises for the way she interacts with the kids and is always willing to hear their problems. But, she is a terrible interrupter! As soon as you start to lay out an issue she jumps in with a solution and then hustles you out the door while you are still trying to explain that she misunderstood the issue. (She is a tickler. I asked her not to tickle my child who is working hard at setting appropriate boundaries with adults after a teacher a few years back who literally held kids upside-down by the feet if they misbehaved. She then announced TO THE CLASS that she couldn't tickle my child anymore because his mother came in but she would still tickle the other kids, so don't worry, we didn't spoil everyone's fun.)

[Pat]

My parents were rigorous about manners. My Dad got after one of my brothers who let the front door shut on my mother because she was behind him. We were also taught to thank all people in service trades--cashiers, waiters, mailmen, and in my youth--elevator operators. I thank bus drivers even today because it was so drilled into me.

We also had to stand up and offer our seat if an elderly person (or any adult) entered the room. Although, I do remember my brothers and I grousing that Mom had us standing up for people just because they were 6 inches taller than us. LOL

[Nicole]

I know what you mean about manners--both in adults and children. I am working on teaching my son some basic politeness like please and thank you, yes ma'am, and not to interrupt. Lately, he's been pretty good about saying "Excuse me, Mama" (which sounds heart melting in his two-year-old way!) when he wants my attention, and he is big on thanking me for each individual item on his plate when he eats. "Thank you for making noodles and cheese and sauce for me, Mama."

I always try to give him politeness, as well. I apologize if I bump him. I say please when I ask him to do something and thank him for doing it right away. I even tell him "yes sir" in some instances. I believe that he will be more likely to stick with what I'm teaching him if he sees me modeling it. When I use the same manners to him that I ask of him, he sees that they work both ways. If he is polite to me, I will be polite to him. I dont' know if it will work long-term, but for now, I'm happy to hear him say "Stuse me, Mama," when he needs something.

[Theantijared]

You should have told her that you knew karate. That would have been bada**.

[Irene Myers]

More often that not - I have found that senior citizens are at the top of the list at being rude. Whether it's holding a door open, saying please or thank you, talking loud in a movie, etc. Is it that they feel they 'earned' the right to be grumpy and lack of manners?? They should lead by example.