Question for 22 February

Karen wonders: What advice would you give a couple on the best time (is there such a thing??) to start a family?

Oh, hahaha - one thing I've learned about family planning is that I don't know jack. What works for me in these areas will almost certainly not work for you - and vice versa.

Before I got further, I want to set the record straight on something that I've experienced an awful lot of this past couple of months. When people hear how many kids I have, comparisons are inevitably drawn and people make me out to be some kind of saint. Some holier than thou Michelle Duggar, who never loses patience and does everything perfectly. The speakers then end up cutting themselves down - I don't know how you do it - I can barely handle the one I have.

These conversations make me SO uncomfortable. I realize that it's fashionable to put your self down, to make less of yourself in order to avoid braggadocio - but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable that I often just want to walk straight out of the conversation and never return. I do what works for me, for my family - just as you do. After all, none of us would claim that we did the absolute worst and never expend any effort - right? There are great moms of one kid and absolutely crappy moms of eight or more.

Phew. Off my soapbox and back to your question.

The right time to start a family is when you decide. That's it. It's not when you've been married two years/ten years/have saved $10,000/own your own home/get a promotion at work/etc. Those are all great and powerful things that can make your day to day living easier - but some of the happiest families I've ever seen are completely unplanned - either a pregnancy came at an unplanned time, an adoption that has been long prayed for suddenly come to fruition, or a family member needs a new home.

If you wait for the "right" time, it is never the right time. Plug your nose and jump in; the water may be cold, but the more you move, the more comfortable the water becomes - and soon you can't imagine your life in any other way.

Readers?

 

Comments

[Mary]

I got pregnant with my first by accident, we hadn't planned to do that for several more years. He is a lovely boy, and the perfect first child, and it worked out so well, because no time is the perfect time. I am 50 years old and would probably still be debating when to have a baby, if it were left up to me.

[Mariah]

Exactly! The right time is when it's right for you. A hint, though: don't wait until you think you can afford it financially. Sounds counter productive, but the bottom line is that your finances will grow and change and adapt with your family. Use wisdom and reason here, of course. If someone is living with another family because they can't or wont pay rent on a small apartment for themselves they might want to think twice before throwing children into that mix...not that that is your situation, but just sayin'! Anyway, if we had waited until we could afford it, we never would have had children! Somehow though, everything always worked out and they are now grown up and we never, ever lacked for anything we needed, nor did we lack for most of what we wanted.

[addy]

There is no "right time" formula. It is whatever works best for you and your family.

[Becca]

We may plan our future but God has his own plan for us.And his plan is more more better and good than our plan.

[Gina]

http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child/

You MUST read this article. I have three kiddos and found so much truth in this.

[JMB]

The truth is, I don't think we really can plan these things. You can't just snap your fingers and pop out a baby. Even if you decide to go off birth control or "start trying" , can you really control when you conceive and if you do, if the pregnancy holds? That said, I have four and if I had to do it all over again and magically have complete control over when the baby comes, I would avoid having SUMMER birthdays, esp if you live in a school district where the cut off is Sept 1. This way I would have avoided the "should I hold him/her back or not" decision.

[Nelson's Mama]

I waited ten years to have my first and wouldn't take anything for that time with my husband. You'd think making the decision to have my second child would have been easy - but it wasn't and I never could take the plunge, so God made the choice for me!

[Sabz]

As long as you and your partner are in a loving, trusting relationship, go for it. My husband and I "planned" our baby but God had other plans and it took almost two years before we had baby 1. So my advise would be to go with your gut instinct. I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything.

[LizP]

Plan for a baby! (laughing) That's a good one! We planned for the first one, but I miscarried and it took me a little over a year to conceive again. We weren't planning on having a second one but, surprise! We had a daughter!

However, in all seriousness ... it might be a good idea to think about what you're going to do once the baby is born. How long is mom going to be off of work (if that is even an issue)? Will dad be off work? How will you cover the missing income?

[Megan]

This is all very interesting to read, because unlike probably most of the people who read here, I have no kids and I'm unmarried. I do have a serious boyfriend, though, and we've talked about kids. We're undecided whether we want them. And thinking about all the "what if's" involved is mind-blowing.

My question is this: How do you know if you SHOULD have kids? What if you and your spouse just aren't sure that you want them very much?

[Alyssa]

And what about the question, how do you know when to STOP? (mom of 4--three by birth, one adopted, more to come????_

[Mandie]

I don't really believe there is a "right" time, although there are certainly better times than others. When we first married, DH was in the military, and I was terrified of getting pregnant, thereby "trapping" him. We then moved across the country so he could attend university...which was then followed by yet another move across the country so he could go to grad school. Once he finished his course work (but not his thesis), we started talking about a baby and got to the point where we thought that maybe, possibly, in the future, we might considering maybe thinking about having a baby. Whammo! I was pregnant. When #1 was 18 months old, we got to the same point, that maybe we were ready to start talking about having another one. Whammo! I was pregnant. Were we "ready" financially? No. Did we make it? Yep. They're now 14 and 16 and doing great.

The only thing I would try to do differently would be to not have September babies, particularly in the south. It makes for an ugly, ugly third trimester, and we had to go through the whole "what do we do with them" when they hit school.

[Carmen (not Stacier) ;-)]

I went through almost 7 yrs of fertility treatments before my daughter was born, so I am most CERTAINLY glad we decided not to 'wait' for a 'right' time. It would probably have taken us that much longer. I agree with the majority of the other post's, the 'right' time for you is when it happens. I have a friend who was using two types of contraception (the pill and condoms) and she still got pregnant! Her son is 3 days older than my daughter and they're the best of friends :)

[Karen]

Thanks ladies! I love Mariah's advice that your finances will "fit". I'm currently a SAHW and my husband has MAJOR baby fever, but I'm just not quite there yet, mostly out of fear of pregnancy and delivery lol, but I doubt that ever goes away.

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

We planned and waited for the time to be "right", and then discovered we could not have children. Twelve years and two adoptions later, we realize our family was part of God's plan.

[Sandra]

i'm a planner and when i chose to get pregnant all 3 times i was pregnant within a month or 3. luckily, we had no problems conceiving and carrying to term because we are all not so blessed. with that said, i would've waited to have my first as i was 24, but other than that i was the right age and planned each and every pregnancy. i will say there will never be enough money or just the right time, but once it feels right then go for it.