The Baby is Coming! (No, Not Mine!)

 And now, what?

This is a query from a long time beloved reader. A few details have been changed to protect the privacy of the truly innocent.

I'm pregnant... 5 months, yay!... with my first child and I'm trying to get some insight into my husband, but I don't want to ask our friends and embarrass him. I know they say a man doesn't become a father until the baby is born, but I'm just worried that he isn't as "into it" as I am. I love him and he is a wonderful husband and I know he will be a phenomenal father, but he really doesn't do well with change - AT. ALL. This baby was talked about, planned for, and he was "ready" BUT... he had no interest in registering for anything, or even looking at what I've registered for, he is annoyed that he has to move his stuff around to free up a room for the nursery, and last night, when I tried to get him feel the baby kick, he didn't want to because it was "creepy".

I wasn't planning on doing a birth class... this may be our first baby, but I've done a lot of nannying for brand new babes, researching, reading, etc. and feel like I am prepared and I felt like the grody videos might freak him out... but now I'm wondering if we should take a class to help HIM prepare for this life change. He doesn't want to cut the cord and he's said he is staying up by my head so he doesn't have to see anything gross (which I am ok with, because it IS kinda yucky down there!)...

SO... My questions:

1) Is this "normal" behavior for a husband? Did your husband freak a little with your first child?
2) Do you think a birth class would help prepare him, or just make matters worse?
I know you don't know me from a stranger in Target, but you seemed like the right person to ask!
Thanks!
:)

So, thanks for asking - you gave us something to talk about while I was driving my husband all over the city last night in hopes of confusing him - I didn't tell him I was taking him for chocolate fondue and I didn't want the surprise to be over too quickly.

First of all, he says, it's totally normal for a husband. The baby is a concrete subject to the mother - her body is changing, she feels weird, she can feel the baby move - her entire life has become consumed by the new baby, even though she can't see it. The husband can forget, for great stretches of time, that there is even a baby around. It also takes a LOT of the attention away from the husband, and even if he won't DARE to admit it - he might be jealous.

My hubby also says that he NEVER cut the cord because it IS totally gross - but he did cut the cord. I was there. Each time. I saw it. Let's face it, though. A lot of childbirth IS gross - so let him be up by your head. A class would be a good idea, so says my hubby, because it does help to prepare him mentally for everything that is going to happen. I was one of those natural birth hippie type people, and he so totally wasn't - but we still made it through - even though I kept grossing him out. :)

And my hubby says he's just not going to be "into it" until the baby is born - if he was "into it" - it'd be kind of odd.

So sez the hubster.

But what do the faithful readers say?

Comments

[Lise]

Most of the dads I've known have been "into it" during pregnancy, at least to the point of being interested in the fetus' development and making some preparations for the baby. Most husbands won't coo over onesies, although both of my sons-in-law (both in their 20's) picked out clothes they thought were cool for their babies.

The big red flag to me is that he refuses to feel the baby kick because it's "creepy." A baby isn't creepy. If I were this mom, I wouldn't count on the dad to be anything but present during the labor and delivery. I'd ask a friend or relative to be my birth coach, or hire a doula. I can only imagine how "gross" he's going to think breastfeeding is, so surrounding herself with other people supportive of breastfeeing will be important, too.

[Theresa]

My husband wasn't into any of my pregnancies- at least in the way I was. He was unnerved by the baby moving while I was pregnant, and he was very apprehensive during delivery.--Although when baby #4 was not wanting to wait for the doctor to arrive I think he was mentally preparing himself to deliver her himself. I didn't push it, and enjoyed my special time being pregnant and all the feelings that went with it.
When the babies arrived it was totally different. He was there for me and attentive to the baby.
Relax and enjoy your pregnancy and make sure you have someone you are sure will be comfortable with in the delivery room if that is what you want. The focus should be on you and the baby, and someone who does not want to be there will only ultimately be in the way. He stayed at my head for babies #1 and 2 and by #3 and #4 he was more comfortable with the process. Good luck and don't worry, he'll come around.

[elz]

My husband didn't come to the birthing class with me. I can't fault him, I left at lunchtime. Ugh. What a waste. He is a fantastic father. He also had zero interest in the baby registry and nursery. Again, he is a fantastic father. But, you know what? I have zero interest in what type of hunting things he's buying for the father-daughter hunting trip.

If I were the reader, I wouldn't worry at all. Some people are SQUEE BABY people. And, some aren't. It has absolutely no bearing on their prowess as parents.

[Jodie in MN]

Oh, I can relate! My husband was NOT into my pregnancies. But I wouldn't worry. With #1 I bought him a book he never read. He wasn't interested in the baby's development, didn't go to doctor appointments with me (except the ultrasounds), and thought feeling the baby move was creepy. But when we got to the hospital he was all about me and the baby. He watched the contraction monitor thing like a hawk and asked all kinds of questions about it. He held my hands through the epidural and didn't leave my side through the (emergency)c-section. He took her for her first bath and held her while all I could do was watch. Babies #2 and #3 happened pretty much the same way. Well, the c-sections were planned those times! The most interesting parts of my being pregnant, for him, was picking the names!

[Valerie]

Yep. My husband was totally NOT into all the preparations and details. He would sometimes try to feel her move, and he went to most doctor appointments and the birthing class, but he was also unemployed at the time, so was kind of bored... (yes, pregnancy is a great time to have your husband laid off). His enthusiasm for all the hoopla was really low.

When it came time for delivery, though, he came through like a champ. He kept re-arranging furniture to suit me, breathed with me, walked with me, ran interference with annoying staff, helped me get into pushing positions, the nurses were impressed at how he managed the cool washcloths, and he did cut the cord even though he was totally grossed out. Same for the second kid.

I will NEVER forget him bouncing around the delivery room, practically squee-ing 'We have a Sophie! We have a Sophie!' Too cute.

[Elizabeth]

My advice is "doula." A hundred times over. Because this man may turn out to be a doting father once there is a real baby there (my brother did) and you may know babies really well from nannying, but you really need a support person there for the actual birth who isn't grossed out by things that may come up - planned or unplanned. And go to the child BIRTH class even if you don't go to any baby care classes (but, hey, a refresher on any certifications you have for infant first aid and CPR would be wise - never did it for my birth kids but had to to adopt).

[Mariah]

Not to worry! Contrary to one of the comments, I don't see any red flags here based solely on her email. The person who commented has valid points possibly drawn from her experience, and I don't mean to diminish that in any way, but realize that everyone has their own take on every issue of life! Full disclosure: with one of my pregnancies even I was "creeped out" by the baby kicking. Just being honest! Anyway, my husband is a wonderful man and a great dad. He wasn't really "into" any of our pregnancies or our kids until they were old enough to actually interact with him. He wanted a response of some sort from the babies...you know...like smiles and stuff like that. He wanted to actually play with them and do fun stuff with them. (Though I do have pictures of him holding them as newborns and the love and wonder in his face is undeniable. I dare say as soon as your husband sees his baby for the first time he will be awe struck!) For a man this whole thing is totally different than for a woman. They don't have that nurturing instinct and nature that mothers have. It's a hard wiring issue. I say just let him be who he is, don't push him into what he's not comfortable with and don't take is level of involvement in the pregnancy (or birth!) as anything personal. It may be that he's overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all and being sort of detached about it is his way of working it out in his head. Share those wonderful pregnancy moments with him, but if he's unresponsive it's OK. Remember...not personal! Share them also with your girlfriends/mom/sisters/whatever women are close to you so you can ooh and ahh together, because these things definitely need to be ooh-ed and ahh-ed over, shared, and remembered. Sometimes women are the only ones who properly appreciate this stuff anyway. In the end it will all be fine.

[Sara]

This discussion reminds me of a scene from a midwife's book I read...sorry, can't remember the name....but one young father totally FREAKED OUT when the baby's head was born and the baby _blinked at him_! Until then, he hadn't internalized the fact that it was a real, human person that was being born!

[Sandra]

i had 2 kids before getting remarried 4 years ago. i had a 3rd child 3 years ago, and my husband was/is a first time dad. we took baby/lamaze classes for my husband. i found he wasn't interested and i already knew everything, so we stopped half way through the classes. LOL he never was fully into having the baby like i was. there were certain things he was truly interested in, so i let him really get into that aspect of it. for example, he really wanted to pick out the nursery furniture, so i let him make the final decision on that one. he also said he wouldn't look at lola coming out or cut the cord, but he did just the opposite.

[Therese]

I agree with Elizabeth. Definitely go the birthing class. Taking care of babies is NOT the same as actually spitting them out of your lady bits! As for the hubby, he'll come around, I'm sure. Just wait until he sees what you and he made. It will be the greatest thing ever! :)

[LizP]

I agree with many - go to the birthing class. Even if you don't learn something it's a fun experience and could potentially be bonding.

The husband may also be scared of change and not know how to express it. And he may say he's not going to do this, that, or the other thing ... but he won't really know until he's in the situation.

My husband was into some things and not into others. But we're all like that.

[DebB]

Your husband sounds normal to me - We had 6 kids, the youngest is 4y/o and my husband still gets the shivers from the "freaky" feeling of the baby moving inside me :)

After our first child was born, my husband was so protective of his precious new daughter he changed all of her diapers and wouldn't even let my mother change her.

I DEFINITELY recommend birthing classes. For both of you! I made the mistake of skipping it for child #4 and I really think I would have been much better mentally prepared and less swayed by my husband's nervousness at the end of the pregnancy if we had. A nurse literally had to remind me how to breath during the delivery :)

[Amy]

My husband was a checker outer during pregnancy and birth. He seemed more suited to fathering when they were mobile. That said I did drag him to childbirth class with kiddo number 1, he was still butt useless during labor and delivery. He got more involved with kiddo #2 when he began to understand how important the birth process was to me, but still pretty useless. Kiddo number 3 he willing attended Vbac classes to try to get it right this time (grin) I think he was catching on that I would keep getting pregnant until it went the way I wanted it to! This time I had a separate support person and I didn't even count on him. Same thing for kiddo number 4. He hates drs and hospitals so got more relaxed once we started having babies at home.

[mama-to-be]

THANK YOU, READERS!!!!!!
I'm going to let him be and have faith that he will be a great birth partner and devoted Dad. And really, I don't need him worrying about what's going on downstairs - that's what my awesome doctor is for :)
And I think it will be an easier transition for him that it's a BOY!!... finally, someone to watch football with him!

[Carmen (not Stacier) ;-)]

Hey mama-to-be, it took my honey and I almost 7 yrs of fertility treatments to have our precious baby girl so all I have to say is congratulations on making it this far into your pregnancy!! Even though I agree with the other comments that your man will probably come around, even if he doesn't, enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. Unless you plan on having more, you will only ever be pregnant for such a short amount of time. Take care and best wishes to you three!!! :)