Playing Nice in the Sandbox Never Goes Away

When I was a kid, and even as a young adult, I thought that all grown ups liked each other. Observe a group of adults from the outside, and you'll see that, as a whole, everyone smiles at each other, nods along and treats each other politely. (Presidental debates nonwithstanding.) It's not until you spend some time in that conversation that you hear the sarcasm, the digs, the implied ferosity and the bitterness, you read the body language - and you realize that no one ever leaves the sandbox.

I feel like more than half of my life is spent making sure people do what they are supposed to do - and not all of these people call me Mom. It's like I've signed on to be a police officer, only without the shiny weapons belt and I don't get a pension. I'm tired of looking over people's shoulders - did he get the help he's supposed to get? Is this rule being followed the way it's supposed to be followed? I've all but given up on it - for, after all, I'm NOT a police officer - and yet, when people neglect to do the work that they are supposed to do and it directly affects me - I have to call them on it. I'm tired of doing it, but why have we become a society of slack asses, a society where everyone does the bare minimum and skates to get by?

Doing this, though, in no way endears you to those people. I've yet to meet someone who says, "Why, thank you so much for letting me know that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do - I so appreciate you! Can I buy you a coffee?"

It's a fine line - no one wants to be a nag, and certainly no one enjoys a nag. How do you know when the matter is someone not doing their job and perhaps they should be reminded of it - and how much of it is I need to mind my own business and let that person screw up what they are trying to do - it doesn't affect me so I need to just back the hell off and MMOB. (mind my own business - I'm thinking that the four letters should be my next tattoo.)

"Well behaved women never make history."  A friend told me this recently, in an attempt to encourage me as I fight a battle that isn't mine, but it's mine to fight until the person affected is strong enough to fight it for themselves. This quote makes me crazy, for it implies that one WANTS to make history - wants to be known as the memorable one. But what if you've made history for something that was not good? Lizzie Borden is certainly well known, as is Sydney Barrows - neither of whom are well known for reasons for which*I* would like to be known.

BTW, I read Sydney Barrows story as a teen, and although I don't recommend that particular story to teens - I think her tale is both engrossing and illuminating.

Would you rather be a well known woman (or man, I'm not going to steroetype) - even if it's for an unfavorable reason - or one of the myriads of people who die virtually unknown?

And do you ever get tired of playing nice in the sandbox? Do you sit at a party and fight the desire to stand up, toss some sand in the face of the obnoxious lady at the end of the table, and let everyone know exactly and precisely why she makes you so, so angry?

And when someone actually does this, calling someone on their shenanigans - do you admire that person, or feel sorry for the one lambasted?

I actually think it's amazing that most of us like as many people as we do.

And, right now, I'm pretty sure you don't want to live in my head as I ponder these diverse, and somewhat unbalanced, thoughts.

Right?

 

 

Comments

[Becki]

Here is what I have observed: when someone habitually behaves badly, any one episode of bad behavior is generally shrugged off by others ("That's just how she is.") When someone who is typically nice, polite, and rule-abiding gets fed up and spouts off, people are upset and disapproving--even if the spouting-off is entirely justified. It seems that the violation of others' expectations is a bigger sin than just failure to "play nice." To paraphrase: it's apparently better to be a bitch consistently than intermittently.

[Meredith R]

I'd rather not go down in history. Being famous these days looks to be soul sucking and everybody tries to figure out how to cash in on you.
As for playing in the sand box, well, there's being civilized as a group and then there's being the only civilized person in a 20 mile radius. There are some people out there that haven't ever been held responsible for their actions and it's infuriating.

[JMB]

I've never been a big fan of "political" agitation tactics. I'm not the sort to protest for the sake of protesting and I'm somewhat ambivalent to the need to be noticed. However, I do think that there are healthy ways to be assertive and stand up for oneself without purposely bringing others down. Jesus threw a fit in the Temple, but he did so on behalf of his Father. Therefore his anger was righteous and justified. I think that's the key to anger - it needs to be righteous anger. I don't think it's ever appropriate to go through life blowing up at people and feeling the need to take another down. You don't build good will that way. Yes, stand up for yourself and your children and those not able to do so themselves, but it doesn't need to be done in a way that permanently alienates others.

[WebSavvyMom]

-->I have someone in my life in a position of authority over me and this person routinely insults me and others. About every third or fourth attempt, I fight back and back her into her corner. It's a terrible cycle to be in day after day.

[Karen]

Here here, (picture me clapping and giving u a standing ovation.) that same thought has kept me up all night as I contemplate a school system that says all the right things but behind my back does none of them. Being a non confrontational person from birth I have learned to be more of a fighter now, but also have learned I need to play the system........however I really wish that sometimes I could send all the letters and emails I write, such as this one I recently wrote. I can dream cant I.

Recently we had my sons 504 meeting in which we got nothing we requested and what we did get is at the discretion of the school district and teachers, which of course still means he got nothing. However, what really angered me is the email the head of special education sent me the next day in which she ended it with "Thank you for the great meeting yesterday." Unfortunately, I cannot respond to her email because we have asked for independent testing for our son and they have denied it. Therefor the district must engage in a legal battle starting from their side. She does not want to do this and doesn't realize we know our rights, thus she is trying to get us to rescind our request. Although, this has not stopped me from thinking of what my response would be if I could......

Dear Ms. Head of special Ed.

I am glad that the meeting was great for you as it saved the district money, which I know is your intent, too bad it was not also great for my son whose education and life will be impacted from your "great meeting".

However, the meeting did make me think of something father told me recently as I sat at his bedside two days before his death. I could tell something was bothering him and so I asked. He stated that he had been trying to figure out how to ask God for forgiveness for all of his sins. I know in large part he was thinking of WW II and his part in it as a seventeen year old boy fighting in Europe. Although, it saddened me that this was still affecting him, it also made me realize what type of person he was. That even though he was doing his duty to his country, he could still be impacted by what he had to do to achieve that. It made me look at my own life and especially this fight for Keaton, I was thankful that I believe when I stand before God and ask him to forgive me of my sins, they too will be for a good reason, not for a whole country as my fathers was, but for one person, my son, I will have made a difference. Then it got me thinking of you, when you stand before God will he forgive you of your sins, or will he say you put money above the needs of people, therefor you did not help humankind, but instead helped Satan in the downfall of it.

Sincerely

Mom to Keaton

[Nelson's Mama]

I recently didn't mind my own business (which was nothing new) regarding a situation at the high school and the pick-up line. My husband was mortified, but in the end, things worked out the for best. If we all wait for someone else to make the first move, nothing good will ever happen.

BTW, I read Sydney Biddles Battles story too and picked that name for my daughter LONG before it was ever a popular or trendy name.

[LizP]

People usually know how they behave. They get some sort of payoff by acting in that manner. I try to either not associate with that person or not give them the payoff they are seeking.

[beth]

I am SO a shenanigans-caller!! Partially it's my nature, and partially it's been nurtured by living in a world of 8 year olds, where it technically IS my job to be the enforcer.

[Amanda E.]

I am not a call-you-out sort of person. I will usually/always do the right thing, and expect others to do the same, but if they don't, I will either gently remind or reprove with a LOT of grace. SO much grace, patience, and love has gone into teaching me (from so many others) that I can't bring myself to be a ball-buster. Consequently, I do find that it's easy to love people. I don't know if the two are related or not.

[Sandy]

I have no problem calling someone out if their behavior effects me. I do not believe in minding other peoples business however and let others fight their own battles.

[JP]

I do a lot of internal seething, I won't lie. I am a fairly bottom line kind gal and tell it like it is and appreciate others who do the same. I rarely call people out on stuff, but when I do it seems to shock people.

[Nicole]

Remember that making history doesn't necessarily mean making it into the history books. By standing up and fighting for those who can't fight for themselves, you make history for *that person,* and that's not necessarily a bad thing, and doesn't necessarily mean you have to take on every battle that comes along.

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