The Privilege of Judgement

Raising kids is such a crapshoot.

It really is.

The oft discussed latest cover of Time magazine, which shows a prominent blogger standing as she nurses her three year old son brings that into sharp focus for me today. The provocative "Are You Mom Enough?" headline, with the subtitle promising to discuss attachment parenting and Dr. Sears, tries, oh so hard, to fuel another Mommy War. The title underscores a belief that a mom who is "Mom Enough" follows the attachment parenting dogma to the letter - and anything else is just patently not enough.

What do I think when I see this cover? I don't see her as a super mom. I don't see her choices as being the "best" or the "correct". I want to ask her, as a mom who made *eerily* similar choices in her early child raising years - although without photographic proof, thanks all the same - What will your son say and what will he feel when he is 12? 16? 21? How will his friends feel about this? Will it matter at all, or will it be a hotly contested debate?

Background segue.

I nursed all of my kids. I was a card carrying member of La Leche League, a vociferous and fierce advocate of child led attachment parenting. I was snotty about it. Being snotty about it validated my own self worth. I had medication free births. I wore my babies in slings and slept with them. I followed child led weaning and feeding practices, cloth diapered, and basically was a picture perfect Dr. Sears devotee.

I don't regret those things. I really don't. I did the best I could do with the information that I had, and I did what I thought was best for my children at the time. My goal in nursing each of my kids was to let them wean when they were ready. I didn't make it on a few of them, but a couple nursed past two years. One of my daughters was *so* independent I struggled to make her nurse to a year, and one of my kids was forced to wean early because I was pregnant. A couple I weaned because I *was* pregnant again and the thought of nursing past about 6 months made me want to cut my boobs off.

I purposefully didn't name any names there. Because the very fact that my boobs were, once upon a time, "working girls", is enough to bring a blush and a stammer to even the most open, tolerant and discerning of my children.

I believe in extended nursing. I know that America sexualizes breastfeeding in a way that many other countries don't. I could have, at one point in my life, rattled off a series of countries where the age of weaning is 3 - or 4 or 7. For a long while I boycotted Nestle for their guerilla tactics when it comes to formula in third world countries, and literally *all* of my friends felt the same way.

I still believe that breast is better and will encourage my children and their spouses to nurse. If they don't, it's going to have to be ok. It won't be my life.

I made the choices I did because I was convinced that it was the right thing to do. That they were the best choices for me, for my child, and for my family. I did those things because I was certain they'd show long term wisdom, long term prudence and long term value. I still think that, right now, those choices are the ones I would make again. That is to say, if I had a baby right this minute, I'd breastfeed, co sleep, cloth diaper and sling all over again.

Despite all of this, I do not believe that following those practices  - or not following those practices - determine more than maybe 1% of how my children have grown. I can't look at my one child, who I thought would nurse until age 14 - and see a clingy, crying child - or an overly confident, successful child. That child is who he is because of what he has lived and the choices he has made. My kids are the way that they are because I *love* them, not because of *how* I fed them when they were babies.

I've seen children whose mothers were the gold standard of attachment parenting end up in jail, on drugs, or dead. I've seen children who grow up in the most barren of homes, with little to no love, never mind the luxury of on demand nursing, who grow up to be some of the most wonderful adults I've ever had the honor to know. I've known adoptive mothers who are awarded children at older ages who are some of the best parents I've *ever* met - and there's no way there was a smidge of breastfeeding going on there.

Can you imagine if, when we met each other, one of the first questions asked was, How did your parents feed you? Did you cosleep? Did your parents carry you in a sling?

I see my kid for who he/she is, and virtually none of that has anything to do with how I raised him or her. It's a total crap shoot. Because, after all, your child is not you - and any of us who have been at this parenting gig for a little while know that we aren't consulted when it comes to our kids lives.

And, I firmly believe, with all my heart, that if we have the luxury to worry about natural birth vs drug,  breast vs bottle, child led weaning vs parent led, co sleeping vs cry it out - then we have a privilege of parenting that many in the world do not. That privilege of parenting comes with the privilege of judgement - and we should be very careful of the double edged sword that judging wields.

After all, a double edged sword cuts you just as blindly as it does the one upon whom you wish to wreck havoc.

Comments

[Wendy]

Hear, hear, Carmen!!

[lisa]

While I do think that how our children turn our has someting to do with how their raised, I think that too much is made over breast/bottle etc, with the unwelcome consequence of making moms feel guilty whatever their choice. Mostly we're all doing the best we can on not enough sleep!

[lisa]

I knew I should have proofread for spelling and grammar. Typing too fast! Sorry!

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

I did not nursing my children. They came to me through the miracle of adoption, each with much emotional baggage. Parenting is about hope. The end results don’t always equal the time and effort you put into it. Because in the end, children are their own persons, free to choose. They are not yours; they are on loan from God. They will accept God's free gift of grace or not. Their future successes and failures are not yours, they will be theirs.

[Joelle]

Awesome! Your's is definitely one of the best responses I've read to the inflammatory cover shot!

[Tara]

I saw the cover of Time magazine and thought that the mother made a poor decision for her kid that will have long term effects. I find myself wanting her to show some modesty and discretion.

My parenting technique was the opposite of what you did - I hated breastfeeding, my kids slept in their crib, I used disposable diapers, they were off the bottle and binky by 12 months - and I have no regrets. I know I absolutely did the right thing for us. I used my best judgment. And my kids turned out just fine. It is a total crap shoot.

[Xenia Katie]

I started out as a big Dr. Sears fan. I still am, to some degree-- I really don't have any qualms with A.P. However, I do regret the overwhelming feelings of guilt that I put on myself because I was an impressionable, young first-time mom who buckled under the pressure of some rather intense AP moms I knew (and looked up to) at the time. Moreso, I regret the flaming arrows of judgment that I flung (usually just mentally) at non- A.P. moms.... moms who I am now friends with. I missed out on some good friendships during those early years of motherhood, simply because I was so "black and white" in my thinking.
Mothering takes love, patience and understanding more than anything. Great post, Carmen!

[Headless Mom]

You go, Girl!!

[PamL]

You said it so well, Carmen!

And isn't it amazing how the benefit of time (and teenagers) changes your perspective on a lot of things? I, like you, did a lot of those things, and was very judgemental about others who did not. Now I can agree that there are a lot of right ways to raise babies, not just MY way. :)

[Robin W]

Very well written! Kudos!

[kyooty]

great post.

[jodifur]

I am starting to believe more, and more, than absent abuse and neglect, what we do may not matter as much as we think it does.

[Tammy]

Great post Carmen! You are right, each family has to do what works for them. Sadly, moms and women in general are very critical of one another when what women and moms need most is encouragement and support. You and I were new young moms together and I remember how supportive you were when I was trying to breastfeed. Thank you for that...if only we lived closer and I was not so hesitant to ask for help when I needed it!

[addy]

Very well said. I made similar choices and applaud any parent making conscious decisions regarding parenting. If you are actively trying to make it work for you and your family you are doing it right!
Well done Carmen.

[Sandra]

very well said carmen!!

[Nicole]

Amen! I'm so glad so many mom bloggers I'm reading are seeing the TIME cover and headline for what it really is: an attempt to divide women who should be, above all, supporting each other.

I nursed both of my children, but after about 4 months, my body stopped producing milk and I switched to formula. With my son (who was first), I was devastated. Every resource I'd been given--including pediatricians--said breastmilk was best and led me to believe my child would not grow properly on formula. With my daughter, I was saddened that I had to switch to formula, but grateful for the nursing I was able to do, and recognized that the most important thing was for her to get nutrition, not where it came from.

The media better watch out! If they keep pushing us, we will push back. And I don't think the media wants hundreds of thousands of moms with a single purpose on their minds. It could get ugly.

[Kimberly T.]

One of the BEST pieces of advice when I was pregnant and super stressing about how successful I was going to be at breastfeeding, because it really meant the world to me, was, "Do you remember how you were fed as a baby? Does it effect you now? Did effect you in the past? Just do the best you can and at the end of the day, all that matters is that you baby is happy and healthy." I, thankfully, was a very successful with my son at breastfeeding. He weaned himself at 16 months. But that advice gave me such piece of mind that it really effected a lot of the other parenting decisions I've chosen to make. At the end of the day, most moms do the absolute best they can with no map or blue print to follow, even if they're not first time moms. I've been consistent in all of my parenting choices, but as my son grows, I've noticed that he is who is he is despite a lot of my best mothering efforts. Do I regret my choices? No. But I am super thankful for the advice that reminds me everyday that all that matters is you're doing the best you can.

A shout out to whoever that awesome lady was =]

[FishyGirl]

Exactly.

[girlsmama]

Amen,sister.

I nursed my first three girls all who self-weaned around 9 months. My fourth was a preemie who was too tiny to nurse from my, ahem, well endowed chest. I pumped until she was 5 months old. All of my girls except number three were supplemented with formula because I wasn't a great producer.

Guess what? They are all well adjusted, independent, confident, girls. Is it because of how I fed them or because they were all carried around in some type of baby carrier by myself or their dad? I don't know. Probably not.

I think it has a lot more to do with what our family does on a day to day basis, what values we try to teach them, and how we coach their responses to different life situations we encounter. It has to do with the fact that they know home is a safe-haven. They will always be loved, disciplined, and helped no matter what.

And yet, they still have their free agency and will choose how to live their life.

The best thing we can do is support each other in the battle of raising the next generation.

[JMB]

Well said, I couldn't agree more. I thought my children (solely through me and obviously none from the grace of God or my husband's genes) would be ear infection free, genius IQ, slim, athletic, perfectly confident and adjusted as adults because I breastfed exclusively. What folly! I have to laugh now that I placed sooooo much confidence on my limited experience as a mom. Oh well, I love my children and that's what matters the most, not how they are fed or where they sleep at night.
Plus, I lost all street cred at LLL because I once said that I practiced extended nursing to get skinny. Apparently it doesn't matter if you do it, what matters more are your "intentions". Getting skinny while nursing is not LLL stamped approved.

[Meredith R]

I am only a month into motherhood and have already had to scrap some of my "plans" for child care. Sometimes you have no choice. I wanted to breast feed for many reasons, cost of formula being one. Due to a series of unfortunate events (too long to get into), my milk never really came in and what little I had quickly dried up. Then because the boys came so prematurely, my cloth diaper covers don't secure around their skinny little legs and the diapers themselves are just too bulky for their little hips. Thankfully I can just roll with it, because the truth is sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

[Carmen (not Stacier) ;-)]

You cloth diapered, breastfed, coslept with and slung all six of your kids????? If I wasn't already SUPER impressed with you, I CERTAINLY am now!!!! Happy Mother's Day to you and all the mother's out there today and always, may the blessings continue to pour on us all!!! :)

[Ouida Gabriel]

Wonderful post Carmen. One of my favorite. I have one question though, why is it that I can't find a awesome group of moms like the ones that post on your blog? I have learned not to be judgmental of parenting styles because each of us are doing what we need to. I did AP a little, a little of this and a little of that. Really, I coped because I had no clue some days! My chlldren are wonderful despite my nursing or not nursing one of them, cosleeping or not cosleeping (my son would not cosleeping even though I tried) and really I have run the race with every parenting style. It seems to be working out, at least today.

Outdated Gabriel

[Ouida Gabriel]

P. S Happy Mothers Day!

[Nelson's Mama]

I nursed both of my girls until they weaned themselves (the first a little over a year, the second nine months) and they were were co-sleepers. They funny thing is - I never heard of Dr. Sears until recently! I just went with it - I figured people had been raising babies for hundreds of years and I didn't need to reinvent the wheel!