This is really so, so long and extra whiny.
I have this terrible space in my head. I call it the negative space.
It's gotten much smaller, but as it condensed, it's gotten darker.
When I was much heavier, and way more depressed, that space filled my brain. It was a negative place, a spot that constantly told me that everyone was better, everyone was thinner, everyone was happier.
I got me some therapy. I lost some weight. I defeated demons left and right and now, mostly, I feel good about myself. I like being that person who enjoys life. It constantly amazes me, though, that it just takes one negative comment, one unflattering picture,
And I'm right back in the dark spot. Which, because I'm most often to be found out of the dark spot, seems even darker and more tar like than ever before.
I told you that I did a flash mob at the Color Me Rad 5k. It was awesome and fun and something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I was nervous and scared and excited and hyped all at the same time. I thought it went really well
Until I saw some pictures today. I was so unhappy with how I looked in those pictures. I told myself that it didn't matter *how* I looked, I was wearing a large men's t shirt and baggy boxing shorts and I was covered in paint and mud and I was standing next to the human beanpole of my daughter. You had fun and that's all that matters I told myself. Everyone else looked so great, and I was so upset with myself.
And then my husband sent me a link to the professional pictures from our Puerto Rico trip, and bunches of them were of me on the dance floor - and I had a total BLAST that night - and all I could focus on was how heavy I looked and how unhappy I was with my body.
And I had thought I looked great that night.
And it's all stupid and it's all wrong.
I made a note to myself when we were in PR, and it's something that I think about pretty frequently. When other women are in their bathing suits, at the beach or even just hanging around - do they always feel like crap about themselves? Do they compare themselves while laying out at the pool? Do they pick apart their pictures?
Because when I look at other women's pictures, I look at their smiles and their faces and not so much at their bodies. I'm super stupid hyper critical of myself. Most of the time, I like my body - but every once in a while, I'm filled with serious self loathing.
And, damnit, I AM proud of how strong I am. My legs are heavy and thick but they are strong. My arms are big, but they lift weights and can do lots of push ups - boy ones, too, not girl ones - and I have exquisite cardio endurance. I can dance for hours and hours. I took the second heaviest kettle bell at class today - the 15 pound one - and I did all of the exercises and kept up with the boys (I'm the only girl in this class) and wasn't the last one to finish any of it. Just for kicks, I put the workout at the end of this post.
I know that I eat too much and eat too much of the wrong stuff, but I don't want to go back to weighing all my food and avoiding the foods I enjoy. Food is fun for me - it's part of life and I have made a vow to enjoy my life. I don't want to be that obsessive person again, the one who can't and won't do anything because she's afraid of what people will say and what people will think and who might be watching. It is a trade off, to be more relaxed around food and not so obsessive - and so I'll have to figure out how to balance both the way I feel and the way I think.
I want to be able to eat the cookie, is what I'm saying. I work out really hard, and I need to figure out how to be happy with me. Most of the time, I am. I think today was just a bad day. And, for the record, I DID make cookies tonight - this recipe - and I ate three. I also did the below workout and took zumba for an hour.
Please don't feel like I want you to leave me "Ra Ra Ra GOOOOOO Carmen!" comments. I'm mainly trying to process my black spot in my head. Feel free to shake your head and mutter, That chick is crazy.
Kb high pulls
Kb swing with leg out both sides
Kb one arm swing counts of 6,4, 2 1, 2,4, 6
Kb side rows both sides
KB swings double arm
Kb side rows both sides
Kb clean x20
Kb clean squat and press
Kb windmills x20
High knees 30/30 double time
squat cleanpress windmill x15 left side
Burpees x 10
Kb swing x15
Squat clean press windmill x15 right side
Kb swings x20
High knees x15
Alternating lunges x15
Forward Threads x15
Snatch x15 (get underneath punch thru, tame the arch)
Snatch 2 press snatch x15
Kb swings x15
Hip press x 15
Crab press x 15 both side
Turkish get upx15
Woodchop x 15
Pushups x 10
Kb side row legs out
Kb Russian twist