The Space in My Head

This is really so, so long and extra whiny.

 I have this terrible space in my head. I call it the negative space.

It's gotten much smaller, but as it condensed, it's gotten darker.

When I was much heavier, and way more depressed, that space filled my brain. It was a negative place, a spot that constantly told me that everyone was better, everyone was thinner, everyone was happier.

I got me some therapy. I lost some weight. I defeated demons left and right and now, mostly, I feel good about myself. I  like being that person who enjoys life. It constantly amazes me, though, that it just takes one negative comment, one unflattering picture,

And I'm right back in the dark spot. Which, because I'm most often to be found out of the dark spot, seems even darker and more tar like than ever before.

I told you that I did a flash mob at the Color Me Rad 5k. It was awesome and fun and something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I was nervous and scared and excited and hyped all at the same time. I thought it went really well

Until I saw some pictures today. I was so unhappy with how I looked in those pictures. I told myself that it didn't matter *how* I looked, I was wearing a large men's t shirt and baggy boxing shorts and I was covered in paint and mud and I was standing next to the human beanpole of my daughter. You had fun and that's all that matters I told myself. Everyone else looked so great, and I was so upset with myself.

Photo from the beautiful Carly

And then my husband sent me a link to the professional pictures from our Puerto Rico trip, and bunches of them were of me on the dance floor - and I had a total BLAST that night - and all I could focus on was how heavy I looked and how unhappy I was with my body.

And I had thought I looked great that night.

And it's all stupid and it's all wrong.

I made a note to myself when we were in PR, and it's something that I think about pretty frequently. When other women are in their bathing suits, at the beach or even just hanging around - do they always feel like crap about themselves? Do they compare themselves while laying out at the pool? Do they pick apart their pictures?

Because when I look at other women's pictures, I look at their smiles and their faces and not so much at their bodies. I'm super stupid hyper critical of myself. Most of the time, I like my body - but every once in a while, I'm filled with serious self loathing.

And, damnit, I AM proud of how strong I am. My legs are heavy and thick but they are strong. My arms are big, but they lift weights and can do lots of push ups - boy ones, too, not girl ones - and I have exquisite cardio endurance. I can dance for hours and hours. I took the second heaviest kettle bell at class today - the 15 pound one - and I did all of the exercises and kept up with the boys (I'm the only girl in this class) and wasn't the last one to finish any of it. Just for kicks, I put the workout at the end of this post.

I know that I eat too much and eat too much of the wrong stuff, but I don't want to go back to weighing all my food and avoiding the foods I enjoy. Food is fun for me - it's part of life and I have made a vow to enjoy my life.  I don't want to be that obsessive person again, the one who can't and won't do anything because she's afraid of what people will say and what people will think and who might be watching. It is a trade off, to be more relaxed around food and not so obsessive - and so I'll have to figure out how to balance both the way I feel and the way I think.

I want to be able to eat the cookie, is what I'm saying. I work out really hard, and I need to figure out how to be happy with me. Most of the time, I am. I think today was just a bad day. And, for the record, I DID make cookies tonight - this recipe - and I ate three. I also did the below workout and took zumba for an hour.

Balance.

Please don't feel like I want you to leave me "Ra Ra Ra GOOOOOO Carmen!" comments. I'm mainly trying to process my black spot in my head. Feel free to shake your head and mutter, That chick is crazy.

KETTLEBELL WORKOUT

Sumo squat
Touch deadlift
Kb high pulls
Kb swing
Kb swing with leg out both sides
Kb one arm swing counts of 6,4, 2 1, 2,4, 6
Pushups x15
Kb side rows both sides
KB swings double arm
Pushup x15
Kb side rows both sides
Kb swings
Kb clean x20
Kb clean squat and press
Kb windmills x20

Burpees x15
High knees 30/30 double time
squat cleanpress windmill x15 left side
Burpees x 10
Kb swing x15
Squat clean press windmill x15 right side
Kb swings x20
High knees x15
Alternating lunges x15
Forward Threads x15
Snatch x15 (get underneath punch thru, tame the arch)
Snatch 2 press snatch x15
Kb swings x15
Hip press x 15
Crab press x 15 both side
Turkish get upx15
Woodchop x 15
Kb swingsx15
Pushups x 10
Kb side row legs out
Knee liftsx15
Kb crunches
Kb Russian twist
Bicycle kicks

Comments

[Cheryl]

OMG lady. That workout (I know CrossFit when I see it) would have killed most people. Give yourself a break. You are a powerhouse. Put THAT into your negative space. Amazing.

[Nicki]

I have that dark space in my head as well. The hypercritical thing? It has been present for as long as I can remember, and it is so very hard not to default to that each day. I have been trying to take your advice and just enjoy life, because in the end I think that enjoying each moment you can, trying those things that maybe scared us before, and having that cookie (or three) is worth far more than whether or not everything is tiny and toned and looking perfect as we attempt whatever it is we are doing. As much as I hate being 30 (okay, 40) pounds overweight and having been here for more years than I care to admit for even more reasons than I care to admit, I think I am afraid to go back to being smaller because I spent every moment obsessing over the number on the scale and worried that I was fat and that I might look foolish when I tried something new because darn it all, you have to be perfect. Apparently I was stupid. *shrugs*

Anyway, the point I want to make is that when I saw your pictures I did not see anyone who was too big; I saw a woman who was having a great time, having fun trying something new, and honestly it made me want to get out there and try one of those runs as well. I think the search for balance is always difficult, but I feel pretty confident that you are on the right path.

[cngonzo]

I feel like you just wrote down half of my own thoughts. In a way your blog is like my own personal therapy, so thank you for saving me money I don't even have. I sit here and my thought process goes verbal "oh my goodness, mee too! .... yes!! ugh, girl I know" Im sure I sound crazy as I talk to the computer but it is nice to know I am not alone and I can strive to take some of your pointers. To be more happy with ME and learn to love life more like you. You look so happy in your color me rad photos and you can totally tell you were loving every minute of it. It is nice to have role models like you in my life, yes I said role model. Accept it. I am a silent blog stalker most days but I just wanted to remind you, that your heart is what matters and you have a good one. xoxo

[Karen]

Everyone else has stated it so eloquently they have echoed my feelings as well. You ROCK Carmen. Your one awesome lady!

[kyooty]

I think everyone has those thoughts. I do. I can't not see the flaws in myself. I see the hernia bump in my belly every single time. I'm not ever going to have a hourglass shape, and that's the hard part for me because unlike you, I gave up. I didn't continue to do what I needed to do to keep off my 80lbs.

[addy]

Yup I would die from that workout. Really dead..... I hate pictures of me. Any pictures. Always have. Even with 75lbs gone and staying away for like 5 years now. I see the imperfections. Meh just take the photos instead.

[mbillock]

Remember the day I complained about the weight I hadn't lost after a high mileage running week? You pretty much told me to "put the shut to the up"!!! And I needed to hear that! I also enjoy food. I run it off. I'm NEVER happy with my body. But, when we are 80 years old, we will wish we had these bodies back!

[lisa]

I always assume all the other women are looking at their own pics and thinking abount their own bodies, and no one is paying any attention to me! I hope so anyway! Smile and be proud, Carmen.
PS-Your paint run made the paper down here in Baton Rouge!

[Leigh Ann Morris]

Carmen, my love, you know I've been there. I still have the dark space in my head. Even at a ridiculous 92 pounds, I obsessed photos of myself and every glance in a mirror.

But one day, I'd grumbled about the state of my breasts and my friend James (just a friend! No ulterior motive involved) admired my physique and said to me, "Don't mistake mileage for imperfection." And that was a perspective I could live with.

If I'm gonna compare, I try to compare myself to yesterday (on ALL levels, not just physically.) How'm I doing compared to yesterday? Do I feel better today? Am I happy with how I feel considering that I have 48 years worth of mileage on me?

And typically the answer is Absolutely! I beat my best friend's 20 year-old (college athlete) daughter up 8 flights of stairs carrying a bag of her junk! I'm holdin' my own... and so are you, woman. I love you so.

[apal]

Burpees are bitches :)

[Sonja Holzman]

This was a much needed post for me to read, Carmen. I do so enjoy your honesty. Ramble away, because you are putting in writing what so many of us are thinking, as evidenced by the comments above. At 44, I am stronger than I have been in years, but 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. I, too, box or kickbox three times a week, and I'm talking actually connecting with a heavy bag, not just the air punching that some gyms do. I absolutely LOVE it and every time I leave the class I feel like a bad-ass. That usually lasts about an hour. Then I go to shower my sweaty self and catch sight of all of the parts of me that I don't love and my self esteem goes back into the toilet.
I'll bet you are reading this right now and thinking "Don't be so hard on yourself!!" or something similar. So don't be so hard on YOURSELF, woman! I know, I know - easier said than done. I, too, saw in your photos only and awesome woman who was having a blast and loving life. Try your hardest to see that woman too. The one in the dark place is always going to be there too, but try to only see the one in the good place. Very few of us will ever be perfect and those whom we think are perfect likely see nothing but flaws in their photos too!
You ARE a role model, to so many of us out here. Let yourself wallow every once in a while - there is nothing wrong with that. But make sure you climb back out of that dark place and enjoy the sun.

[Elizabeth]

We all have that dark spot in our heads. I know I do.

Balance is the key. Even at Weight Watchers they give us extra points for the "fun" stuff and activity points that can be used as food credits if you want too. So feel free to eat what you want and when you want - you know when to stop and you certainly work it off!

[Brandy]

Ah, Carmen. I know that dark place well. I refuse to let anyone take picture of me because I hate how I look in photos. I hate how I look in a bathing suit and am sure when I go to swim laps that even the lifeguards are thinking how fat I am. I wish I had your stamina! You're strong and fit and beautiful!
And I must say, I LOVE KETTLEBELL! I wish our Y had a weekly class. (We had one for a month, but it was to try out the class to see if it would be popular and hasn't been back.) The Turkish Get Up's were my favorite along with Windmills and Figure Eights. I loved the class so much I bought my own kettlebell. But, it's harder to work out at home than away from home.

Just so you know? I admire you tremendously.

[Gastric Bypass Man]

I was amaze how the article was wrote. It was very informative and interesting until the end. Would really want to read more this kind of blogs.

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

I know that dark place very well. Why do we do this, comparing ourselves to others?

[Karen Z]

Stop that - you look terrific and are an inspiration to me.

[Sandy]

I am super critical when I see pics of myself, grrrr. Carmen you are fit and fabulous!!

[Amy]

I didn't even read the workout. I battle the same self loathing monsters all the time. There was a brief time when I felt strong, confident, thin, sexy, beautiful....until I gained back the 35 lbs +++ Now I hear the monster of self loathing on daily basis. I know what I need to do to be a better me but yet don't find the gumption, strong enough will to get it done. I don't feel worthy of it maybe? Because my house, my family, my marriage are not as I envisioned they would be I am not allowed what makes me feel good strong capable? I dunno. We all have our demons. I suppose it's good to just wave and say hello when they show up and then move on past and not allow them too much residence in our heads....If you figure it out before me please let me know!

[Sandra]

i think every woman has that dark spot in our brains that we go when we see unflattering pictures of ourselves. i know i do. ;-)

recently, i took up golf and my husband took a picture and posted it of me on FB. my face looks super full and i look huge in the pix. he was just SO excited that i'm now trying to play a sport that he loves so much. he never noticed what i did. it was me being over critical.

you look great and feel great, so what if we don't take the best pictures. :D

[JMB]

Here's my mantra when I feel crappy about how my body looks: My body has served me well for almost 46 years. It has brought forth four healthy children, fed them, walked miles, endured physical pain and intense pleasure. It has taken me to far away places and kept me home when I needed to be there. Having thrown out my back a few times in the past few years, every day that I can walk without intense pain I am grateful.

[Christal]

1) Stop beating yourself up. Be healthy, be strong, enjoy life.
2) Not all photos are flattering... they photoshop even the skinny girls for magazines etc.
3)Switch it all up every once in awhile. My daughter's into Bodyrock.com a 12 minute workout. I'm contemplating it myself. ;-)