Friendship

Let us see if I can manage to write out what I'm thinking without

• hurting someone's feelings
• Looking like a righteous - or not so righteous - fool
• forgetting to say something and needing to go back again (and again!) to clarify

I don't hold out much hope. It's been a really, really weird week for me. It seems abnormal to say that during the summer, but it really has been one weird week.

Ok. Deep breath.

I don't have a lot of friends. I don't say this for sympathy but just in the interest of getting it all out there. Some of you might disagree with me, but I really can count on one hand the people who I would say are friends. I'm mostly ok with it. Sure, I might like to be more popular, but I have a habit, some say a flaw - of always speaking my mind - which often gets me into trouble. I know *lots* of people. I have *lots* of acquaintances. I am friendly with lots of people who frequent the same places with me -

And I think that's the rub.

When you go to the same places all of the time - school, say, or a sporting event - you might see another person who is also there at the same times as you. You might see that she's reading, and you like to read, and you want to appear friendly - because, really, who among us doesn't WANT to appear friendly?  - and so you might strike up a conversation. It goes well, and you depart from the facility, feeling that tiny glow of happiness spark inside that maybe, just maybe, you've found a new friend.

And when you return to the same function, you seek out that person. Pretty soon, every time you go to that event/school/assembly/sports meet - you hang out with that person. And you consider that person a friend.

But, one day, you realize that you aren't enjoying this friendship. Maybe the other person is more racist than you are comfortable with, or maybe he's more lax on the personal safety. Maybe that person said something REALLY unkind to you - something that took away your breath, made your stomach sink and widened your eyes. Sure, it was probably said as a joke - but what if it wasn't? How do you know?

Do you give a second chance? And then a third?

And then, what do you do? Because said person also thinks of you as a friend - and things tend to get ugly if you just walk away from the friendship - but maybe talking things out isn't a feasible option because that person, that person, well, that person has a HABIT of getting overly emotional - or making a big scene out of things.

Sigh. Friendship is complicated.

I overthink just about everything.

Comments

[Tammy]

This one is tricky. I've had some really great great friendships go very very sour in the past few years. I'm experiencing that women just are not very nice to one another, not very supportive, and very critical over all. Yes there are many women who aren't this way at all and I know a handful like that thankfully. I recently, due to some very bad experiences, just let what I thought was a really good friend go completely. Completely as in I don't speak to her, deleted her from facebook, stopped following her blog, everything. What she did wasn't an awful awful thing, but the pattern I was seeing was all too familiar and the behavior that sometimes bugged me made me aware that there really was less and less about this person I admired the more I got to know. Now although I do miss having someone close by to go shopping with or have coffee with, etc., it's actually refreshing to enjoy my down time with my family. Maybe that makes me the bad friend in this situation that I just let go so quickly, but I've been down this road before and saw no reason to prolong the inevitable. I make an effort to spend my time with those who are encouraging to others when possible, and let go those who are so very very critical and/or self absorbed. Who has time for such as that anyway? Each of us handles these situations differently, but I think it's important to listen to that instinct about people. No one is going to be the perfect friend who never annoys you, but the greatest friends are those who you enjoy much much more than you find annoying.

[Tammy]

This one is tricky. I've had some really great great friendships go very very sour in the past few years. I'm experiencing that women just are not very nice to one another, not very supportive, and very critical over all. Yes there are many women who aren't this way at all and I know a handful like that thankfully. I recently, due to some very bad experiences, just let what I thought was a really good friend go completely. Completely as in I don't speak to her, deleted her from facebook, stopped following her blog, everything. What she did wasn't an awful awful thing, but the pattern I was seeing was all too familiar and the behavior that sometimes bugged me made me aware that there really was less and less about this person I admired the more I got to know. Now although I do miss having someone close by to go shopping with or have coffee with, etc., it's actually refreshing to enjoy my down time with my family. Maybe that makes me the bad friend in this situation that I just let go so quickly, but I've been down this road before and saw no reason to prolong the inevitable. I make an effort to spend my time with those who are encouraging to others when possible, and let go those who are so very very critical and/or self absorbed. Who has time for such as that anyway? Each of us handles these situations differently, but I think it's important to listen to that instinct about people. No one is going to be the perfect friend who never annoys you, but the greatest friends are those who you enjoy much much more than you find annoying.

[kyooty]

I really don't know sometimes.

[Jess]

I love this subject. I am like you, I have a lot of people I hang out with but I am not close friends with them. I have one close friend here in Virginia and she knows it. We both work at our friendship but we are at the stage where we are comfortable like a marriage yet we know we have to ensure that we go that extra mile for each other. She has other good friends, and I always give her time to be with them as well. Now, I used to have many many friends, but then I guess I grew up. I realized that my friends are a reflection of me and I want to be proud of my friends and I want them to be proud of me. I can hang out with people and go that extra mile, but if I do not get it in return I am out. I will not waste valuable time investing into a relationship that is not fulfilling to me. I understand this is critical and many people view me as a close friend, I realized this at my husband’s funeral and the months afterwards. I am nice to these people and will do what I can for them. Many people cannot handle me as a friend because if you got a bugger on your nose or if your hair looks really bad.. I am going to tell you. I expect the same from my friends. I have always been a bit blunt, in which females feel like I am a b*tc*, but I am not really. I swear LOL. I do miss having friends to go shopping with, since my close friend is busy doing other stuff or she doesn't want to go to movies and stuff, and I have other people who offer these to me, but I think a part of me is scared to say yes, and let other people into my soul. Then I hear these same people criticize others and I am glad I am not close to them. If I have found that I made a mistake of being friends with someone I tend to call them out when they are doing what I do not like. For instance, if they are gossiping about someone I will say something to them, or if they are being very abusive to themselves I will tell them point blank I have too much going on in my life right now to deal with these issues. If you want to work on them to erase them then let's do it, but if you are going to complain about it, I can't deal I am not the friend that you need. Yea it hurts their feelings but they need a dose a reality and I will help them if they need to get out more, exercise or find other hobbies but I am not going to listen to bitching about the same thing day in and day out. I told this to one person, and we still hung out in our crowd and she really worked hard on not being negative and I really started to enjoy our conversations more and I told her so. friendships are like marriages, and we need to be honest and supportive of the people around us.

[JMB]

I think I have good friendships with about a dozen women. They're not perfect - the friendships - but they bring joy to my life. I wish I could have better friendship with one of my sisters, but she tends to get overly emotional about stuff and has a tendency to "tell people off". Nobody likes to get yelled at, especially by another adult. So I avoid her just out of personal habit. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.

[addy]

I, like you, have very few friends. And I am ok with that. Really ok with it. When someone starts to get on my nerves like you described I just quit. I don't go out of my way to talk with them, I don't seek them out at functions and I don't respond to texts, tweets and emails in any type of timely manner. After a few tries they usually get the hint.

[Megan]

I hear ya. I have very few friends as well, because I'm introverted and just not that comfortable with opening up to many people. I think I'm reserved; I imagine others think I'm snobbish or bitchy.

A few months ago, I thought I was developing a friendship with someone at work who was friendly with almost everyone. My other friends at work didn't like her much. I dismissed their concerns. I wanted to be part of the cool group of 20-somethings.

Now I realize they were right. She's cliquish and unfriendly to some and likes to party way more than I do. And it stings when I hear her making plans to go out to lunch or go clubbing on Saturday night, and I'm not included. But I remember I have a few great friends at work and outside, and I need to make an effort to spend time with them.

I can only think of one person I've deliberately cut off, but I might give two chances before I stop returning phone calls. If I don't enjoy spending time with someone, I don't want to waste the time.

[apal]

Perhaps this is a Scorpio issue? I tend to have the same experience of knowing/being acquainted w lots of people but only being close to a handful, or more accurately only letting a handful really know me. Friendships are so complicated, sigh.It is this woman's loss if she doesn't see what a gem you are.

[Elizabeth]

I'm a firm believer in the ebb and flow of friendships. That some friendships are meant to be a part of your life for a certain amount of time and then die a natural death. That others will be forever but those are few and to be treasured. Some come into your life when you need them and then disappear when you don't.

I do tend to give a second chance but not a third if a "friend" does something hurtful if they are not aware of it. I try to tell them about how I feel but if they make a big deal of it, then I just walk away.

Friendships, like most relationships, are hard.

[Tara]

I have only two people in my life with whom I can say anything on my mind. One is a good friend, the other a husband. Friendships don't come easily to me, but it is just as well, because it's not about quantity for me. I'm ok with two people.

[xeniat.blogspot.com]

People change all of the time. Our needs change, our desires in what we want in a friendship changes, too. Some people "look" like they have tons of friends, and we (okay, I) see their Facebook photo albums and get jealous of all of their friendships. But then I realize that I just don't have the social stamina to be texting/phoning/going out with friends all of the time. I enjoy fellowship with other women from my church, or certain friends from childhood and college. But even then, my energy tank is completely depleted afterwards, and I just feel more tired! Haha. At the end of the day, all I can ask is for a friend who "gets" me, and isn't out to change me or constantly poke fun at/ laugh at/ degrade/ patronize me. Support and encouragement: yes please! :)

[Sandra]

something i've learned in getting older is friendships come and go. i also have many different kinds of friendships.

i'm married to my best friend, so he's my confidant and constant go to for most things except when it comes to troubles with him, and then i have one close friend who's my ear for everything husband and oldest daughter related.

i have married friendships. things we do with other couples.

i have life long friendships. i have girl friends i've been friends with since grade school. we can pick up and talk like we just saw each other yesterday.

i have play group friendships. the mom's that i meet with every monday morning, so our kids can play.

i have mom's club friendships that is strictly a group of mom's that i do stuff with at mom's club.

i have workout friends. the ones i see at boot camp every week.

i have friends i play golf with on a regular basis.

i don't have just one best friend, but rather a mengarie of friends that serve different functions.

[Sandra]

oh and i have online friends i've know for well over 10 years. you being one of them. although, i've not been reading your blog quite that long.

i'd also like to say irl i could see us being friends. i often speak my mind, which i think is a reason i've lost some close friends in recent years. i am who i am. take me as i am. :D

[Sylvia]

I don't have any good advice. My advice is eff it. See, I'm terrible at advice. That being said, my other half tells me, in the sweetest way possible, that the older you get the less friends you have. And I tell him, only in America.(#nobodysaidiwasagenuis) And then I fight with the only friend I have left. Your books will always be your friend. They've been my best friends for 20 years.

[kyooty]

I'm coming back to this today. Today I think I lost a friend but in the end gained the respect of my son for standing up for him first.

[Luckyduck]

I'm letting what used to be a great friendship die a slow death. In the end, it just wasn't rewarding. I know this sounds self-serving, but in the last few years, I was doing all the traveling (2 hours away), all the buying, and was getting very little in return. Still, I miss that "best friend" aspect of my life.

[jupitersvault]

only time will tell... I have learned this past few weeks with family and friends I am down to only a few myself.. It must be control, respect and acceptance. Its hurts worse to know that family is easier to let go of than friends. The cuts are deeper. It must be a time due to age that I realize the one right next to me is the only true friend I have and the one I need most. I guess follow your heart, as emotional as it may be, it will always be in your best interest. huh... hopefully... if it was meant to be it will return... Maybe security is what should be the focus of the decision whether to keep the or retreat from the friendship? maybe I am just crazy..

[Christal]

The alternative is to stay "superficial" with that person to avoid the drama, but seek others to spend your time with and after a while she will move from the foreground of your life to the very distant background.

My main thought is life is too short not to spend it with people you love and enjoy.

However, reading between the lines, if the reason you want to end the friendship is something you feel strongly about it, let it out, and let the drama queen deal with your explanation without worrying about it.

[Ouida Gabriel]

Being a introvert I really don't have many friends. I used to think I was missing out but I don't think so anymore. I have low tolerance for being fake, liars, attitude and just plain nasty people. I tried to do the Christian thing and overlook the way other people are but really I can't stand not being true to myself. If I don't like someone then I don't want them to think I do.

Friendships are not all they are cracked up to be. If you feel it is worth it to put in the effort then by all means do that. Don't sweat it if you don't. The people that matter the most to me are the ones that live with me - my husband and children.

There is a quote - I went and looked it up so I didn't misquote it. I have been living by this for awhile now.

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

[Ouida Gabriel]

P.S. I should have included that sometimes someone wants to be apart of your life but you still have to let them go. Narcissistic people will find ways to act like they care only so they can hurt you. Those kind of people you need to turn and run away from. I learned this the hard way - dealing with a husband and wife couple that both thought they were God's gift to our family. These days I ignore them except for the mandatory Christmas letter that my husband expects me to send. "To keep the peace", lol.

[Brandy]

I've never been good at making friends.And don't have any. I'll admit it's lonely. But, I'm just too shy/introverted. Only in the past year have I really started to say hi to people I see almost every day and I only feel comfortable in two places, outside of my home, the library and the Y. I don't have friends, unless you count my husband. But, I have a ton of acquaintances. I wish I could tell you something to help. However, I'm in no position to offer advice. All I can say is HUGS and prayers for what you're struggling with.

[Sonja Holzman]

People who make jokes at your expense can be sorted into two categories: those who know that you know that they are kidding and are teasing you because they like you; and those who are literally making jokes at your expense and don't really care what you think or how it makes you feel.
My husband is BIG on teasing. I did not grow up in a household where we did that a lot. When he first met my family, my parents, especially, would look mortified at the things he was saying that I was laughing off. I had to explain to them, repeatedly, that he was not making fun OF me but making fun WITH me.
If you can honestly say that you think this person was joking around WITH you, then continue the friendship. If your gut tells you that person was making fun OF you, then be done with it, or at least back off. Listen to your inner voice - it will tell you what you need to know, whether you want to know it or not.