Question from a Reader

I've known Scott a long time. In fact, we went to high school together - and he still talks to me, which either says a lot about his ability to forgive or maybe he was just drunk all through school and he's forgotten me.

In any case, he asked me to post a question and I'm happy to do so. Remember, if you've got a question - either for me to answer or something you want to ask my readers - I'm happy to do so - either send me an email of leave the question on the Mom to the Screaming Masses Facebook page.

You DO like that page, right???

Anywho, Scott's query:

Topic for discussion: why aren't dads in the PTA? I've noticed a glaring lack of dads at PTA meetings and particularly on the executive committee...which prompted me to volunteer to be the president elect....and president next year. I don't want my kids to think that their education is only mom's job and that only moms are interested/concerned about their future. It takes a village and that village should include the males too, so why are we underrepresented? Perhaps the answer lies in recent articles on why women can't have it all? We're wired differently, yet this generation's men have come quite a way from our fathers... Thoughts?

My (short) answer:

In my experience, it's due to long work hours, plus the fact that their dads didn't do it, and so they have no role models. I mean, really, did your dad do a lot? What I'd love to explore is why society doesn't expect much from men in terms of their kids - no one bats an eye when a woman takes her kids to school, but they fall all over themselves when a man does.

I welcome your thoughts and ideas.

Comments

[kyooty]

ha! my Hubbie is the VP of the home and school for our middle school kids and he'll move on to High School in a year, and I do the elementary school home and school. I'm a director. I only joined because hubbie was so busy with middle school 2yrs ago. I had to pick up the slack. I think it all depends on where you live. There are 2 groups in our elementary schools one is a committee to add enrichment and ideas, and there home and school which is more fundraising based. I don't do the enrichment because there just arenn't enough hours in the day. There are no men in the elementary school level since hubbie moved up and hes' the only man n the middle school who isn't a teacher.

[Sonja Holzman]

Boy do I have a load of stuff I could say about this one, but I'll try to keep it brief.
First, it's a volunteer position and like Carmen said, most men I know are the breadwinners for the family and don't have enough hours in a day to work, be good parents/spouses AND take on volunteer work.
Second, it is precisely because PTAs are dominated by women that men do not want to participate. I know of what I speak. I was our PTA's VP for two years and volunteered on every committee I possibly could because I was fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom. However, I ended up abandoning PTA all together because I could NOT put up with all of the drama, cattiness and angst that came with being involved. And I'm a woman!! My husband repeatedly told me that if it weren't for all the over-bearing women that were in our PTA he would participate. As it was, the people who inevitably ended up in charge were the women who wanted to run it all, didn't like change, didn't like other people's ideas, etc. Many, many cooks in one small kitchen leads to many, many unhappy people. I am NOT a control person and I was regularly made to feel inferior and had other women trying to boss me around. Nobody should have to deal with that. Most men won't stand for it.
I admire you SO much for being willing and able to step in and help. Maybe having some testosterone in your PTA will help it be less of a weekly soap opera than ours was. Keep it up - don't let the lack of men drive you out.
When we did have men participate, they brought a whole different vibe to the meetings or activities that was sorely needed.

[Nelson's Mama]

While is seemed quite misogynistic at first, the principal at my daughters' elementary school handpicked male PTO presidents for many, many years.

These men were typically active in their church, community, business, Rotary, etc. and when they became involved with PTA it encouraged OTHER dads to do the same.

Not so politically correct, I know, but it worked...she was a wise woman. Worked for years until someone new to the school threw a fit because she wasn't following the by-laws to the letter.

Now they are a "mom only" operation and it shows...

[Meredith R]

Its sorta like how you don't see a lot of women mowing the lawn or changing the oil of the family car. It's just the way tasks have been divided traditionally between genders. Not that it HAS to be that way. A lot of moms work full time too these days, so there is something to be said for Dad taking on what would normally be a Mom-thing.

Additionally, one might ask why Mom would WANT to take on that task and let Dad slide. It could be that Mom wants to spend a little time without the kids in tow and socialize with people that "use the bathroom" instead of "go potty."

[Cindy]

When my oldest child started school 15 years ago my husband signed up to be room parent for his class. At the time, everything from the PTA had the title classified as Room Mother. They had to change all the printed material at his school. My husbands job allows for a lot more flexibility than mine so it was natural that he take on this role. Of course, because no Dads had ever stepped up to participate in that capacity at the school, the teachers and other Moms all thought he was the next best thing since sliced bread(which I have to agree). In the end though, more fathers should become more involved. More women are in the workforce, and there are many fathers out there who have time in their day to become involved with their children.

[LizP]

There are actually quite a few dads on my son's school PTA. My husband is not one of them because I will not let him volunteer for anything else! Maybe it's a regional thing?

[Suz]

I find that women with long hours are more willing to volunteer in the school than men with part-time or flexible hours. I do know a handful of men (out of thousands) who give their all. They also have long work hours, and working spouses, so a chunk of home duties fall to them, as well.

[FishyGirl]

Honestly in my kids' schools the dads are just as involved, if not more so, than the moms. Maybe it is a regional thing; around here most parents work outside the home so they work together to be flexible to do things pertaining to the kids - coaching teams, PTA, room parents, scout leaders, field trip chaperones. I've seen both mothers and fathers doing these things.

[JMB]

I have not seen any men on our PTA but there are a few on our Board of Education. For one thing, our PTA meets 2x per month, once during the school day and once at night. The Board of Ed only meets at night. Maybe that's why. Also, the Board of Ed has real power in our town, not so much the PTA. That also may explain the dearth of men.

[Dawn]

When I was PTA president my treasurer was male and many of the committees were headed up by men also (grounds, carnival etc). Now that my kids are older and I am back to work full time I do still see men on four of the five PTA boards we are members of (5 kids at 5 separate schools here- yes we are always running!!) maybe it's a regional thing? We have programs at the schools specifically designed to encourage male participation though.

[Brenda]

IMHO, PTA/PTSA is of less importance the higher the grade. I became totally soured to the PTA experience when one PTA/school chose to look the other way when there was good evidence of embezzlement. PTAs support the "Reflections" contest, and I've noticed that very few students choose to participate. So why bother? About the only thing the PTSA is good for at the high school level is the after-graduation all-night party. That is a worthy and wonderful endeavor. But that's about it!

[Nobody]

I'd say its just how we view things as a society. Men go out and make the money and the women stay at home and care for the house and family... Just like if a woman stays at home and lives completely off the income of her husband that is considered acceptable (because it fits our social paradim); but if a man stays at home and is ompletely supported by his wife's income he is a deadbeat. Also look at how our military is structured; women are still fighting to be accepted as equals since they are not allowed to be in front line units/specialities. Yet noone complains that it is only men that have to register for the draft, (even though we've done away with actually drafting anyone decades ago).

But i would like to ask if that is the same in a military town? Before Sept. 11th I never noticed many men at the PTA meetings. But since then in a heavy military town (fayetteville, home of Ft. Bragg) you see MANY men at the meetings. Maybe it's because they realize that each deployment could be their last and they want to make every moment count.. And with the wars winding down maybe we'll see another shift. Who knows, but I'd like to see the answer to that question as well...

[Nobody]

One more side note: You're very blessed to still be in contact with your High School Friends, Carmen. I'm sure it's completely because of who YOU are as a very special person. Keep them close while they are still here...