Mom to the Screaming Masses: You Might Not Want to be My Friend After You Read This

I like to think of myself as a nice person. A kind person. If you drop something, I'll help you pick it up. If you need something, I'll help you acquire it. Hungry? I'll make you food. I'll watch your kids - within reason, hey, I didn't say I was a saint, there! - and, you know, I am just a nice person. So say I.

SOME people may beg to differ. Seth is one of them.

When I was away at the car driving event, I ended up hanging out with a group of five other crazy slightly insane certifiable very kind individuals.

I think they felt sorry for me. It was kind of like a pity, "Come and join us. We are slightly awkward, but not as bad as you. No one else will take you" kind of scenario. It's cool. I'll take what I can get.

One of the events that we went to, almost the last one, was a relay race. I'd been hanging out with this group for quite a while, and so when we got to the relay, I think it was one of those, "You take her. No, YOU take her! I've had her in my group alllll day!" kind of scenarios. After all, I'd been in cars with these people, driven them around, been driven by them, stopped 22 times to go to the bathroom - this part becomes important later in this saga - and just generally, you know, I had been my cute, loveable, adorable self.

HAHAHAHA. I just cracked myself up.

The relay involved two people, and Seth and I were paired up. One person had to be the "runner" - did the bulk of the relay running. This even involved a baton, parallel parking, running, passing the baton, and performing two other tasks that weren't important because I didn't do them and Seth did were extremely challenging were just difficult enough to involve some thinking

well, they were tasks, at any rate.

You had a time to beat. I think it was 94. It might have been 98. I'm not detail oriented.

Seth was slated to do the first and third leg of the race, I was the second. We had to perform the task and then run to the next station and pass off the baton. After the third, the competitor has to run to the finish line.

I performed some stretching before we began. This is important to the story. I think I stretched my crappy leg - i.e., the one with the repaired calf muscle that is STILL giving me fits and I have an appt with sports ortho AGAIN next week - twice.

I didn't overdo it. No point in making people look bad.

I asked Seth three times if he wanted me to do the running. Sure, he's in much better physical condition than I am, and he's not hampered with a malfunctioning leg, but I was trying to be nice and kind and offered to take on the bulk of the work - and he turned me down flat. Said something about how he didn't "trust me" to run fast enough and I think he might have been a bit of a control freak - hey, who am I to judge, I play one on tv sometimes - and there was no dissuading him.

I'd heard rumor that he doesn't have toes on one foot, but, hey, I don't mess with people. I also dismissed those rumors as being from haters - Seth is a VERY famous author - and I'd insulted him the first night I met him, cuz, hey, that's how I roll!

But. When you demand to be the person doing the bulk of the work, thereby stealing the spotlight from me - well, all I can say is, you'd better know what you are doing.

The timer started. I ran to the post for the second task, Seth did the first and ran the baton to me. I accomplished the second - beautifully, I might add - I'm a master parallel parker - and ran the baton to him. Then I ran to the finish line to cheer him on. He did the third task - performing adequately - and turned to the finish line, and I started screaming, "Run! Run! Get up here, let's gooooooo!" And I was jumping up and down, in the back of my mind thanking God all the while I'd peed those 22 times because the bladder control isn't what it used to be - and all of a sudden, time slowed in that really weird, slightly creepy way that time has -

And Seth tripped - over some dust, or it might have been his ego (or mine, let's be fair), I think - and fell. Only he didn't fall, he kinda slid - breaking his fall with his hands, cuz he's a skilled tripper, I think maybe he's done this before and knows how to protect his face - and I'm at the finish line, jumping up and down, screaming, "Get up! Get upppppp!!!!"

The entire rest of the group was quietly questioning, "Hey, is he ok? He really wiped out - I hope he didn't get hurt!" And I'm still screaming, "Get up! We're gonna LOSE! Get UP!" and he stumbled upright, took two more steps, and his phone fell out of his pocket and hit the ground and I'm all, "LEAVE IT!!!!! GET UP HEREEEEEE!!!" as he stumbled again - but didn't fall - and I'm jumping up and down like I'm doing two footed hurdles - really, I got quite a lift on those jumps, thank God I peed so many times -

And he crossed the finish line and our final time was 111.

BUT. We did win a prize. We were christened Team Gravity and we were given an honorable mention and a prize basket. We split it. Seth got a lot of bandaids and sympathy that he was stuck with me and I got a fantastic coffee thermos and a $20 gas card and a reputation that really just isn't fair to me.

I don't know why no one will return my calls.

Comments

Carmen, you are so funny!

Posted by: Alana Sheldahl | July 05, 2012 at 10:04 AM

apparently you just forgot to cheat. ;)

Posted by: Dwescott1 | July 05, 2012 at 10:09 AM

All true. Had she not have yelled I wouldn't of gotten up. More fulfilling to finish what you start. Also I was in football so I've been known to know how and to give a hit. It was fun as all heck and I would f only put on my darn sneakers next time!!

Posted by: Seth Leitman | July 05, 2012 at 12:16 PM