Deep Discussion For a Friday

I was in the office for the reading of the MRI, the insanely expensive test for which I cannot afford to pay but chose to move forward despite this reality, to answer the burning question of What is the extent of the damage to my leg and let's get this show on the road, already, yo!

 He looked straight ahead at the computer, waiting for my answers to the burning questions.

Carmen

No medications.

No new injuries.

5'6".

And there I stopped. I didn't answer the next question.

He turned the wheeled chair around to look over his half glasses at me, a fine specimen of manhood, in his early forties, nicely built, balding with a gray beard. An attractive man. A friendly man. An "I will take no bullshit from anyone" kind of man.

You know what I don't get? It's just a number. You women, you make it all out to be the center of the universe. It's a NUMBER. Ask any man around, and they will tell you that they prefer a woman with a little meat on her bones - and all of those skinny fashion models that we are supposed to emulate? That school of thought comes from gay European designers. Real men, they want a woman who looks like a woman, and not like a prepubsecent school girl.

Now, how much do you weigh?

__________________________

My husband is in love with the USA Women's volleyball pairs teams. He watches the matches, mesmerized and cajoling me to Watch this! as well as Did you see that? and the ever famous Wow, do they look good.

One game before the finals - they all run together, I'm really sorry, I LOVE me some Olympics but I'm kinda tapped out at this point - he made an offhand comment.

The volleyball players are too toned and musculed. I don't like my women like that.

I may or may not have swatted him. He was puzzled - why did I find that comment upsetting? It was just the truth - he doesn't like toned women, he said.

ARGH.

Both of those are true. As a general rule - and I know we aren't supposed to generalize - women hate their bodies. Mostly because we compare ourselves over and over and over. We compare ourselves to magazine covers, to other women we see at school, to TV anchors and next door neighbors. We compare ourselves to women who spend ten hours a day exercising, to women who have different body types, to women who have different goals and realities than many of us.

Know what I do for ten hours a day? WORK. Same as all of you. Either at my computer or in my house, and I can try to do squats while I do dishes and do counter top push ups while the rice cooks - but I'm squeezing it in and that's the very best I can do some days.

These are things I have to remember:

• Weight is a number
• Size is a number
• I'm doing the best I can do
• I've injured myself trying to do more than I should
• I'm not a celebrity/Olympian/Famous Person/model
• I'm an average person
• Being healthy - with lower BMI and blood pressure and cholesterol numbers - is critical
• Being a size 2 does not mean that *I* am healthy. YOU can def be a size 2 and be healthy - when I was, I wasn't healthy.
• If I'm unhappy with my weight, I can eat less
• Or move more. It's all in my control
• As much as I might want to blame someone else/genetics/body chemistry/the environment/the President/state of the global food market/HFCS - well, maybe HFCS

I think we all need to do the best we can possibly do. For most of us, that means exercise every day. Maybe billing that exercise in with a family member as a way to spend time together - I walk with my husband a couple of times a week. I don't think any of us needs to drink a Big Gulp cup of sugar soda every single day, and I think we should all try (oh, so definitely me in this one) to eat less sweets.

Sweets and breads are my arch nemesis.

Why do women get caught up in this insanity and men don't appear to be affected?

 

Comments

[sassymonkey]

I honestly don't know how much I weigh. I don't own a scale. I don't understand why I need one so I don't have one.

[WebSavvyMom]

-->Great post!
I don't think I've spoken my weight aloud since I was 22 and super skinny.

I take a lot of pictures because it's something I enjoy and am rarely in them. I keep telling myself, I'm never going to look any younger, so get in the &@&#@ picture already.

[Sara]

That was such an interesting comment from your husband in light of the fact that the volleyball players are the most attractive women of all the athletes!

[Tammy]

Great post, Carmen. I think you're beautiful and look absolutely wonderful. I've always been envious of you...when we were kids it was because you got to take ballet and lived by the beach. Now it's because you look wonderful, have so many kids, write so well and seem to have it all together. There is NO magic number or magic size. If you're small women pick you apart, if you're large they pick you apart. We just have to get to a place where we are comfortable being who we are. Sad that it's taken me to my 40's to get there. You know what? I have always been one of those size 0, size 2 bodies and I hated it. Always. No one ever said nice things to me or made me think that was a size anyone WANTED to be. Now that I'm older, wrinkling, and I have a muffin top, all those who hated that I was small, now smirk. Oh well. I am who I am and I didn't make me this way. It's taken me a long time to figure out how to "bloom where I'm planted." People come in all shapes and sizes and attitudes. To me, the most beautiful people are those who are beautiful to the depths of their souls. The friendly, likeable, considerate, NICE women are the ones I'd rather spend my time around and would rather be like. And Carmen, you've got moves! I've seen you dance! Those skinny girls "ain't got nuttin' on you!" Love ya!

[Philippa]

Was 95 pounds 8 years ago. Not my healthiest, emotionally or physically. Am 136 on a good day with a 2 mile walk a day. The entire 136 is in my a**. hubster likes the 'junk in the trunk' and I feel more womanly with my curves. I have waited my entire like to have breastage and now I do. Lose weight? Not on your life!

[Meredith R]

We live in a culture that is obsessed with appearances and we have been conditioned from a very early age. Women aren't possessions anymore and we should have evolved beyond valuing our worth by our appearance ages ago. We're confronted with unrealistic physical goals at every turn (thank you photoshop). It's an abusive cycle that we, for the most part, inflict upon ourselves. Men aren't targeted by society for their size of their bodies, but by the size of their income and not to the same level of insanity.

[Headless Mom]

I love that a male doctor said that to you. He's right, ya know.

At least Hubby didn't say what mine did about the volleyball players. Mine got "Are you kidding me? You didn't really just say that did you?" and a swat. You don't want to know.

[addy]

I don't look like a volleyball player either. I'm ok with that. Really.

[Megan]

I love your doctor.

What your husband said....ARGGHHH. I have heard men make the same comments about women like Jillian Michaels. Evidently we're supposed to be thin, just not strong.

I enjoy healthy foods, but unfortunately I enjoy cheese, pasta and dessert just a little bit more. I still don't know how to find that balance between eating well most of the time but not feeling guilty for having a bad day or ordering pizza for dinner or having a candy bar. It's hard.

[Amy]

I caught myself feeling a little jealous of my colleague this morning - she's 5'7" and 100 lbs soaking wet. Today she was in jeans w/a wide leather belt & I wanted to ask her if she bought it in the children's dept, her waist is so small! But she also asked me once if I ever fantasize about eating a WHOLE bowl of pasta. Um, I'm not someone who eats pasta all the time, I like it but it's not one of my foods... but when I do have it, I EAT it. As much as I want. I'm healthy but not skinny-minnie...and I'm 40 & I want to enjoy life - all of it!

[Katie Fleck]

I'm 5'3" and 150lbs and a size 8. Seriously. I almost make the point of telling everyone this because I'm tired of people lying about their weight and giving the rest of us misinformation that leads to unreasonable comparisons. "That's what 150lb looks like?" YES. I hate it when people are a few inches taller than me, about my build, and say they are 120lbs. Stop it!

Granted I have dense bones and a lot of muscle but I'm not going to lie about my weight because your doctor is right, it's a freaking number. Even though I'm considered "overweight" by BMI, I think I look awesome. Plus I really love my boobs at this weight. At 135 (closer to my ideal and feasible, I'm never going to see 120's again unless I'm dying), I lose them and that just sucks.

[Brandy]

I agree with your bullet points. I nodded at them, actually. I also have no idea how much I weigh, but do know I've gained weight while working out six days a week, watching what I eat, and trying my best to be not only healthy-but a good example to my kids.
We are too obsessed as a society with looks. And from what I've read, other countries have taken steps to at least stop the absurd photoshopping that make women cringe and self-loath.

You're lucky to have a Doctor like that. I dropped one who instead of helping me suggested one of those liquid diet programs. Her thought was that "it would take all the trouble out of figuring out what to make/have to eat". Did I mention I dropped her?

[Melissa]

Thanks for this post, Carmen! It's so easy to compare ourselves to others -- I look at EVERY SINGLE ACTRESS on the cover of a magazine -- some of who have kids -- and think to myself "How the F do they do it?" and "Why can't I have buns of steel too?" The answer: a) They have personal trainers and vegan chefs; b) their bodies and faces are totally airbrushed; c) it's their job to look this good. Personally, I like to enjoy myself, and eating is part of that equation. I don't go overboard and though I could do with less chocolate in my life, especially given the post-40 chin breakouts that STILL happen, why would I want to deprive myself?

On another note, the volleyball action really got up my nose. I didn't think it was any coincidence that they were broadcast at prime time every night -- catering to all the hubsters out there just wanting a good ogle. Do they really need to wear bikinis?? Really????

[jenifer]

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