How do Adults Make Friends?

This question came up in the comments on another post and I thought it was worth exploring. Because I'm honestly interested in what everyone has to say.

How do adults make friends?

which is different from the converse question - How do kids make friends?

Kids make friends super easy. Or, at least, some kids do. I have this one kid who makes friends wherever, and I do mean wherever, she goes. She's outgoing, bubbly and talkative, and I remember lots and lots of times that we went to the store and she brought a perfect stranger over to me.

"This is my new best friend - um, what's your name? I forgot to ask your name!"

The point is, no one is a stranger to this kid.

But adults, or at least most adults, are more reticent. We walk in to a new place, look around, see no one that we know and immediately get that funny feeling in the bottom of our tummies. We might sit at the same sports practice with six other parents and begin to talk about what our kid is doing and how the practice is going - and then we find ourselves looking forward to seeing that person at the next practice - and then we might feel like a friendship has developed -

but what happens if, after a while, we realize that we may have gotten just a bit too chummy with someone that, had we known a leetle bit more information - we'd have steered clear from?

Don't tell me that this has never happened to you. Just - don't tell me. Because it happens to me quite frequently.

I have a couple of genuinely great friends. Friends who I can talk to whenever I need, even if it's been days or months - and there's no judgement and no bitchiness - we just pick up where we left off, and they are there for me.

Like I told one of my kids, who was lamenting a lower number of friends than a sibling - You don't need a ton of friends - just one or two that are amazing.

So - here's my questions for you - how do adults make friends? And how do you know when a friendship is too much work and too much drama - and when do you let go? And how do you know when you've got a good friend?

Comments

[Brandy]

I wish I could answer this question, but I don't make friends well. I am too shy/reticent and will talk about safe things to those around me at the Y (teachers and those who attend the classes I attend). Whereas my Son is a mixture of me and also quite adept at making at least one friend where ever he goes. Everyone seems to love my Daughter. I think a lot of it is also about whether or not we project confidence, if that makes any sense.

[Wendy]

I have met my best friends through my kids. one is the mother of a girl who was in pre-kindergarten with my daughter. Our daughter's don't hang out any longer, but we have continued our friendship. Another I met since she is a fellow Girl Scout leader. I have a ton of acquaintances, and many I consider friends, but only two or three that I truly consider good friends that I know I can count on. I think it is extremely hard for adults to make friends. I used to have a woman I considered my closest friends as a co-worker, but when I switched jobs that friendship went by the wayside. I think it is extremely hard for adults to make friends, and even harder for them to keep them. My mother is 60+ years old and she and my father have a group of friends who have been friends for many years. They do all kinds of things together. They camp, they fish, they go to Deadwood, they went to Sturgis, and they go play Bingo at the bar every Monday. The have been a part of their life and my life for so long that they are like aunts and uncles to me. I want friends like that, I just don't know where to find them quite yet.

[addy]

Work has been a source of friendships for many of my adult years. Some are lasting true friendships and some are not. Openness and confidence are key to the friend making process. Also, I will talk to most anyone. Might as well - less boring that way :)

[JMB]

I try to put myself out there a little - I'll smile and say Hi to someone even if I've met them before and can't remember their name. We don't have busing in our town so there's a lot of standing around on the school grounds waiting for the kids to get out. I've learned to make small talk. But I think what works for me the most, that is to make friends, is to invite them over (with kids) to swim or an adult happy hour on Friday afternoons. I've found if you open yourself up a little, being a hostess, the invitations come back to you twofold.

[likeablegirl]

This may sound silly - but I've got two things I think about in terms of making friends. (1) Do something you love outside of the house. Because people who are really excited about something naturally seek connection to share their excitement and other people want to be around someone who's have fun. You're at your best when you're doing and sharing something that you love. But it has to be outside the house because strangers don't tend to come knocking on your door to see if you're passionately excited about something.

(2)And this is the simplest & also the hardest one. Act like a friend. What kind of friend do you want? Someone you can trust? Someone confident enough to engage you first? Well, then start by being the type of person you want to attract to you. Birds of a feather...fake it til they make it.

Also, for the leetle bit more information concern. The slow brush off works just fine. Though I have been known to look someone in the eye before and say "You aren't being a person I can be around right now. It's not okay with me that you [did/said/believe X]. I have to go." That being said, take the source of that information into account. You may not have the whole story - and the part you do have may not be right. Let your experience with that person dictate your friendship, as people do change and grow and learn life lessons in hard, embarrassing & rumor-mill-loving ways. We have all scraped our knees falling down at some point.

[Amy]

As an adult, I've made many of my friends at work and some through professional connections. It's rough, though, because I've gotten too close to a few girls without knowing the full story and then I'm stuck trying to pull back AND I have to see them every day at work. One in particular turned into major drama because she was pretty much certifiably crazy (sorry, but true), drank too much, and was rather promiscuous. Good news is everyone knew how she was & supported me but I did get a few "I told you so" comments from the guys in the office (they pick on me). Nowadays I try to limit my work friends simply because I don't want too much work interfering with my leisure time, even if it is just office gossip or light stuff - I need a break from it. So, I've made friends at yoga and rely on my dear old friends - they're low maintenance & reliable - so what if most of them live on the other side of the country? We have technology to keep us in touch & they rock!

[Stephanie ODea]

I used to try to be friends with everyone, and took it personally when someone didn't want to be close friends.
Now, I only let a very close few into the inner circle. I've got lots and lots of acquaintances, and like to socialize, but only a very small handful know me well.

and my husband is my very best friend. He's the only one I really trust to keep secrets.

[Sonja]

Most of my current friends I met through my kids - through school, sports, etc. My very best friend and I met because our boys took an art class together over the summer a few years ago. The boys don't hang out any more but she and I bonded like sisters almost instantly, a rarity when you get older. Some others I have had to slowly wean out of my life for various reasons.
For me the hardest thing is that there are some people who I only see in groups because they are so busy that they don't have enough time for one on one lunches or coffees. While I enjoy seeing these people, some of the other people who end up in the group I do NOT enjoy so much, which makes it that much harder - I have to choose do I want to see "Ann" even if "Chris" is going to be there?
I try to cherish the few really true friends I do have and treat them well so that will stay around.

[kyooty]

I try to keep it simple but I do have 1 friend that while I try to pull away? I feel like I can't because I know if it was me in her situation I'd want someone like me there? It's hard though. I have another friend that just doesn't seem to "get" that she can't always be the one I'm picking up. I can be the best cheerleader but if you keep doing what you've always done you're always going to get what you always got and I just get tired of repeating the "you're great". I 3 very good friends from 3 different neighbourhoods nad you know? even after moving, we're still close enough to shoot the breeze and pick up where we left off. I met one friend because she did daycare from home and was out waiting ffor the buses for her "kids", I would go out say hi everytime she was out. yep stalker much? Also met friends in weight watchers meetings, selling avon, walking my neighbourhood, reaquanted msyelf with ladies I went to High School with? And yes sometimes I've bitten off more than I can chew but I keep being friendly. :)