So, Self Loathing and Body Awareness for $200

So, Fitbloggin. A conference about fitness, and blogging, and you do NOT have to be in fantastic shape to be at the conference. In fact, that's one thing that super surprised me - how many of the people were just exactly like my friends and family, like people I see on the street and at the store. I had gone to the conference feeling a little heavy, a little irritable with myself, a bit embarrassed because I really haven't kept all of the weight off that I lost almost 6 years ago. The shorts that I wanted to take were a bit too snug. The skirt I wanted to walk in was a bit too short.

I drove up to Baltimore feeling like I was somewhat of a failure.

And then I went to the conference, and saw people of all shapes and sizes comfortable with their bodies and feeling good about themselves. And many of those people weren't the super models that I expected - and they were WAY better than any super models could ever be.I saw people cheering each other on at workouts, happy when their partner - who they may have never met before this - maybe couldn't do a regular push up and moved to wall push ups. And the happy faces and the support were AWESOME.

And this happened.

FitBloggin 2012 - Zumba Class from Carrie Dallhoff on Vimeo.

 Zumba. My very favorite form of exercise, the one that makes me feel strong and sexy and confident and is just so, so much fun that it should be - if not illegal - then heavily sanctioned. You can't see me on this video, but I'm there, in the back on the right - late because I was working the registration desk until the very last minute. This class looks an awful lot like the one I try to take three days a week.

And then I read this post by Fadra. And I am not ashamed to say that I teared up, just a bit.

Because I'm so often there. I put on my workout clothes, and pinch my muffin top really really hard. I catch a glimpse of my legs in the mirror at my crossfit workout and grimace - then I turn away from the mirror. I try, every day, to tell myself that I'm strong and confident, sexy and healthy - and so what if I have cellulite and spider veins and one really, really gross varicose vein behind my knee?

And some days it works. And some days

it doesn't.

I work out with heavy equipment, do sit ups and push ups and squats and so much with the burpees, oh, man do I hate the burpees

and most days, it's enough.

Some days, though. Some days, it's not enough. And I have to figure out how to still that voice inside, the one that says

you AREN'T good enough and you AREN'T strong enough and so DEFINITELY not thin enough

and embrace what I see in Zumba class. Which is that yes, I am.  

Tell me - does that voice speak to you? And, if so, how do you quell it?

Comments

[Alana Sheldahl]

That voice yells at me 24/7 when I'm not sleeping. that voice is the ocean I have been drowing in since the age of 13. What I do to quell it: ...I look at the icon of Jesus hauling St. Peter out of the water and I pray with him, "Jesus, save me!" a hundred times a day if necessary.
It helps.

[Sherry Carr-Smith]

This voice is a lying asshole. I know this voice. And I quell it by acknowledging that it said something and then telling it it's a lying asshole. Because it is.

[Ami Regnier]

Sometimes, I quell it with a cookie. Counterproductive? Probably, but hey, sometimes I have days like that. I agree with Sherry. Sometimes it may be hard to believe, but deep down I know that voice is a lying asshole! Well put, Sherry!

[Elizabeth]

I'm quite familiar with that voice too. I haven't figured out how to quell it yet. I try to ignore the voice, which doesn't work very well.

[JMB]

When the Accuser starts up, I just say to myself: "My body has served me well over the past 45, almost 46 years. It's given birth to four children, fed them and taken care of them. It can move without pain and it takes me where I need to go". The older I get, the more forgiving I am with my body. I am also much more amazed at what it can do. Life is short, enjoy the time you have.

[Wendy]

I'm very very familiar with that voice too. Have NO Idea how to quell it though. I guess that is why I am 100+ pounds overweight despite losing almost 80 pounds a few years ago. I have now gained all of that back. I need to get back to it but can't seem to switch that damn switch back to actually working on it.

[addy]

I hear that voice. I swear at that voice. And I move on. I try not to believe it too much. It lies.

[Headless Mom]

I hate that voice.

You rock it, Lady, and don't ever let the voice get you down.

[Patty]

That voice was speaking to me all the time leading up to FitBloggin. I couldn't really do most of the workouts b/c of my recovery. I had closed my old blog and started a new one. This year as been so tough, that I was up about 10 lbs from last year. The only thing that made me go is seeing my friends. The spirit of FitBloggin is pretty powerful and since this was the only time I'd see thm until next year, I had to go.

And it was wonderful.

And I had nothing to worry about.

And I got to meet you too! :)

So Portland next? Right?!