Answers to Questions and Further Ponderings on Adult Friendships

You guys are slam up funny. I loved reading the answers to your questions! Here's mine:

1- What was the last thing you ate? And had to drink? Parmesan Garlic Pita Chips and Lemon Propel Zero with double the water.

2 - What was the last movie you saw? Lincoln. I loved it, but I should never ever ever go to a movie that STARTS at 10:15. I'm officially an old person.

3 - Am I the only person who doesn't like mojitos? Sadly, one of - I just think they taste like mouthwash.

4 - Do you feel guilty if you run a red light? Or do you just feel like you've gotten one over on the man? I feel terrible. We have red light cameras here so I try not to do it.

5 - If you could only take one kind of vitamin, what would you feel was the most important? I think calcium.

6 - Are you wearing socks right now? No. I HATE wearing socks. So do my kids, and my mom yells at them every time she comes over. Seriously - I never wear them unless I absolutely HAVE TO.

7 - What kind of gas mileage are you getting lately? Um, Jeeps are lots of things, but gas efficient is not one of them - 16. Urg <hides head in shame>

8 - Even though this is the absolute longest Christmas season possible - i.e., we had the earliest turkey day possible - who among us already knows that she'll be scrambling last minute?? Duh. Me. Perpetually. I do have a lot of ideas and a spreadsheet going - does that count??

9 - If someone does something nice for you, how do you repay the favor? Send a thank you note? Make cookies? Or just do nothing and hope karma will even it out for you? I try to make cookies/brownies/cake/bread, or return a favor. I'm also a big believer in karma.

10 - Are you a liquid or bar soap person? So not a bar soap person - I'm squigged out by germs - but I've gotta admit, I just bought some soap from Haldecraft and it might make me a believer.

11 - What was the last text message you received? Poop. Ok. (My senior in high school daughter, who had just been informed that her tardy to school this morning meant an earlier bedtime in order to facilitate a timely departure the next day.)

______________________

So. Friendship.

I know I wrote about it a while ago, but I was in conversation with two friends yesterday  - both guys, btw, although I'm not sure if that has anything to do with, well, anything - and I have thought about nothing else all day other than ADULT FRIENDSHIPS. Specifically, how friendships change when you become an adult, and how they morph further when you have children, and God forbid if you are the first (or the last, let's be fair) in your circle to have children. Or if you have more children than society thinks you should, or if you marry someone whose age is greater than ten years different from yours - your friend circle is going to be totally different. Not bad, necessarily - but different in ways you may not even imagine.

Being a friend is just - weird. I don't know how else to say it. It's opening yourself up to someone else, someone who could very easily say something rude and hurtful and change your outlook on almost everything. It's allowing another person to see the darker side of you. It's overlooking someone else's quirks and failings.

It's coming to a realization that you, yourself, are not perfect.

And I think that we've all been fed a line of cracker crud with regards to friendships. We see friendships as something made of big, white fluffy glittery snowflakes falling from the sky while we ride through the sky on a pink unicorn that farts fluffy cotton candy while I'm wearing my princess tiara and you wear your boa and we never ever disagree. We hold hands and we sing Kumbaya and it's just - perfect.

We see movies and Hallmark cards with friendships that are awesome! and amazing! and the other person is always!there!for!you! and we encourage our children that To make a friend, BE A FRIEND and maybe I'm jaded

but I just don't see that in the world. We confuse acquaintances with friends. We confuse coworkers with confidantes. We think neighbors are interested in the inner workings of our minds and get our feelings hurt when someone says, "How're you doing?" - and doesn't listen to the answer.

And there are some people - Mr. Masses, <cough cough> - who seem to be made of teflon and get along with virtually everyone. Even rude people. Even crabby people. Even people that NO ONE else likes. And I wonder - how are there people like that? People who like everyone, and everyone likes them?

Don't get me wrong - I do have friends. The ones I have, though, are true friends. Friends I can count on. The type that I know have my back when good AND bad happens. Friendships are WORK. And I'm kind of difficult.

Do we let that dissuade us from letting someone in to the innermost sanctum of your very self?

Opinions, thoughts, Girl, you'd better find a shrink, as always, welcomed and appreciated.

Comments

[kyooty]

well I think all relationships need work. Some people like Mr. Masses there has a tendency to be so likeable and great that uh they get married within a month? I think? so you have seen that spark in him that others see and you grabbed onto it. I think that's wonderful. I also think that friendships change over time. I'm thinking of the movie Beaches? Their friendship changed there was a time they wanted nothing to do with each other but in the end? when they needed each other the most? they were there. I find myself at times not wanting to do the work that it takes to maintain some friendships. I also see how some people (kyootyboys) do not make friends easy at all and seemed to have given up and just been happy with being themselves? My youngest is like Mr Masses, could make friends with a ROCK and get along with that rock no matter how it rolled.

[JMB]

"Happiness is a long life and a short memory". Not sure who coined that phrase, but I think in terms of adult friendships - there's a lot of truth in that statement. You do need to have a thick skin to be a friend and you need to be able to empathize with another person. Sometimes people say dumb things that they don't mean. I've said a lot of stupid stuff (and written!) over the years and I just hope that my friends will over look all the idiocy and just remember the good stuff about me. I try to do the same with my friends.

[Melanie]

Friendship is hard. I can be intense, and I expect a lot from people who I let into my life, which can mean that being friends is tough. I have 2 girlfriends who I can count on for anything, and 1 of them we just repaired a falling out that happened last spring :( If I'm your friend, though, I will be at your house at 2AM holding a colicky baby while you puke your guts out and you know it and aren't afraid to call me to ask. But, it's not easy to get to that point.

[Sonja]

So interesting that the hubs and I were just discussing this last night. He can count his list of true friends on one hand, and some are brothers so do they count? But he is fine and dandy with that. Me, I'm always up for making friends but find it harder to get people to be friends with me. Because at my ripe old age (45) I have decided to just be me and F&*% what everyone thinks. Fortunately, I am a pretty likable person (I think). I grew up trying to turn myself into other people based on who I was hanging out with and man, that was exhausting. Plus, I realize now that I probably looked like an idiot, i.e. the friends of a boyfriend who were talking about a Smiths concert and I acted like I knew what the hell they were talking about and made a fool of myself.
So yeah, adult friendships are VERY different. Just had to relegate a formerly close friend to acquaintance status recently because A) Her husband doesn't like me (????); B) She started making not-so-subtle remarks about things I did that were uncalled for; and C) I found out she was turning things I said into stories to entertain others at my expense.
The good news is that the friends I do have know exactly who I am and love me just the same. I can laugh, I can cry, I can act like a weirdo and they think it's all good.
Thanks for the reminder that it's quality, not quantity, that counts. And if you lived around here, I guarantee we'd be friends!!

[addy]

This has been a topic of discussion in our world recently. I made the concious decision to find a few new friends. Some older friendships had changed. That is ok. People change - circumstances change - friendships change. We all have options. Sometimes the best option is to let that friendship fade and nurture a new one.

[Anita]

I think a lot of people are in a bad way right now - financially - and they are deeply worried and can close down a little. Couple that with having kids and busy lives and friendships get pushed to the back burner. Like marriage, friendships are give and take. Also, I think like marriage you have to be prepared to give more than you expect to receive, forgive always and treat the person as if they were an extension of you somehow. Does that make sense?

[Suki]

So interesting! I've been thinking about friendships a lot lately, mostly because I've been feeling really lucky in that area lately. I was never a particularly popular kid or teen- I mean, I always had a little group of friends, and usually one close friend, but I was never the person juggling social engagements or part of the "in crowd". And now, somehow, as an adult with a young kid, I have more friends than ever before and just find myself constantly surprised that this is my life. It's particularly surprising because we were the first people in our group to have a kid (still one of the only to be married, actually), and somehow we've maintained most of our pre-baby friendships, which really makes me want to send flowers to each of them for being so awersome and not ditching us.

As I've been thinking about friendships, I've come to believe that one of the big factors that determines if a friendship works is if both people have the same expectations for the friendships, particularly in terms of effort put in. I'm a casual friend. I want to know what's going on in your life and be supportive and go out for drinks or cupcakes and all that good stuff, but I don't want to text back and forth all day or hang out every weekend. I felt bad about this for a long time, but as I get older, I find that I've kind of self-sorted into friendships with people who feel similarly. And it works, because we all want and need the same thing from eachother/the friendship. And now that I've lived in the same place for 10+ years and have been friends with people for that long, I find that the friendships have taken on this wonderful mix of casual and intimate- like, we can go for a while without hanging out, but then they can drop in for dinner on a night when the house is messy and I'm in yoga pants and it's all good. Now that I've typed this, I'm knocking on wood and feeling like I've doomed myself to every friend I have dumping me en mass :)

[Headless Mom]

True friendship IS hard. Not all the time, but sometimes. And that silly saying about "some people are in your life for a reason, season, or life" or something like that? It's kinda true. I mean, there are people who I love chatting with when I run into them in the grocery store but wouldn't invite them for dinner. Not because I don't like them but because that's not the kind of friend they are. (FWIW, they wouldn't invite me, either. Heh.)