It's Friday Night and I'm Super Proud of Myself

Let's see if I can manage to write this without pissing anyone off.

From the time I was a kid until a couple of years after I moved out of my parents house, I participated in a particular activity. I was pretty good - not the best, not the worst - at this particular activity. I took classes every day in this particular focus, but I was never part of the "in" crowd.

I know this because the person who led the "in" crowd - someone who was a good ten years, maybe more, older than me - always made it a point of her dealings with everyone else to let me know that I was left out. I was left out of activities, conversations stopped when I came in the room, plans for the entire group were not given to me.

I wanted to have a party when the Michael Jackson video Thriller came out - remember when the debut of music videos was a HUGE DEAL? My dad bought the video and I planned this party - and she didn't come and almost no one else did either - because she was someone important and I wasn't.

And for years, it has bugged me. What did I ever do to her? Was I so terrible at this particular activity that she was embarrassed to be associated with me? Not hardly. Was I ugly? Not especially, I wasn't winning any awards in high school - but I wasn't wearing a paper bag over my head. I tried to be kind to her, but it didn't seem to make much difference, and I really had few friends during this particular activity.

It's quite possible that there was a reason for me to be unliked. I still haven't figured it out.

I've tried, for several years after becoming an adult - to befriend this woman. When my girls - all four of them - wanted to participate in this particular activity - I took them where I had trained - and she was the new owner. And I paid my money and left my kids there, and they received good training. I've referred people there, and any time someone asks me where I would recommend - I mention this place.

But, recently, two of my kids have asked to go back, and I've said no. Not because of the money, but because of how she made me feel for the vast majority of my life. Why am I giving money, money that is hard to come by - to someone who spent several years trying to make me feel like dog crap planted on the bottom of a shoe?

And tonight, when I saw her, I didn't rush over and make friendly. I walked away. It makes me petty, I know, and makes me childish. Above all, it makes me human. I'm not angry - I just don't care any more.

I am a worthy human being. I am smart, I am kind, I am capable and I am good. I do good things. I am friendly and outgoing, helpful and work hard to do good. If you need something, I'll be there if I can do so to help in any way possible.

If you can't see that, I'll be damned if I pretend otherwise. And I'm certainly not going to make nice and above all, spend my hard earned money continuing to allow someone to lord over me.

I'm worth more than that.

 

Comments

[Tara]

Good for you, Carmen. Pardon the language, but screw her.

[Meredith R]

You put enough time into trying to be nice. Good on you!

[kyooty]

Excellent!!!

[Megan]

Good for you! And oh, how I know that feeling.

It's funny, I'm taking the activity I'm pretty sure you're talking about as an adult, and it's STILL cliquey. More cliquey than my other activities. I wonder why?

[Thumper]

No, it doesn't make you petty or childish. You tried for YEARS. At some point, you HAVE to walk away...because walking away without exploding is the mature thing to do. It's too easy to blow up on someone who's been a jerk...it takes a level of maturity to turn around and go the other way, no longer allowing yourself to be the target of a person like that.

[Mary]

There is a woman who treated me like that all through junior high and high school. She lives far away now, but every year or so she comes to town, and I always run into her. She's so HAPPY to see me, and wants to give me BIG HUGS. I'm sure she wonders why I'm so cool with her. I just don't feel the need to have people like that in my life.

[Azul]

I don't see you as being petty. I think that if a person doesn't add value to your life, there's no reason for them to be a part of your life. In my own life, I have no problem cutting ties with toxic people, and I don't feel the least bit of guilt about it.

Good for you!

[maggie]

Some people are just shallow. Awesome of you to make peace with it and not worry about her anymore! Life if short.

[Becki]

Forgiving someone means giving up all hope of having had a different past. It doesn't mean allowing or inviting them to treat you poorly in the future.

You've shown yourself to be mature. You've been friendly to this woman despite the fact she's done nothing to deserve it. She continues to treat you, if not poorly, not nearly as well as you deserve.

You've made the conscious decision to stop inviting or allowing her poor treatment. I don't think that's petty. I think that's smart and healthy under the circumstances, and you should be proud of yourself. And she will never know what an incredible friend she's missed all these years.

[mbillock]

I completely understand. I (we) are currently in a situation where a member of our immediate family thinks she can treat my husband and me like trash, but still spend time with our kids. I have spent the last 20 years (pre-kids) and now with kids allowing this because I wanted to be the better person. In the last week though, I have decided that what she does to one of us affects ALL of us. Therefore we will not be spending any time with her or her family. She needs to know there are boundaries, we are a family unit. I will always be kind, but, I won't be treated like a doormat.

[Carmen]

Hi Carmen, did you ever consider the fact that maybe all these years this woman has been jealous of you and that was the reason for her actions? Because despite the fact that we all have our flaws, based on everything you accomplish on a daily basis, I would love to have even a fraction of your organizing ability to get stuff done around here. Either way, good for you for finally moving on!

[Beth]

I had a similar situation during my school years. Wasn't part of the crowd, whispers flew when I stepped into the room, yadda, yadda, yadda. 20 some years later, the "top offender" came to my husband and me for a job at our business (a minimum wage job). We hired her, and I admit I was kind of smug about it- look, I'm HER boss! Then her "story" started to unfold. And I learned how she struggled with depression, anxiety, etc. She didn't come out with that all at once, but slowly the story was told. She was on great meds that helped her with the ups and downs, but still battled. She ultimately couldn't keep her job (her choice) because dealing with the public was too taxing. And it FLOORED me! She was the "head cheerleader", student president, woman of the year, etc and couldn't deal with the public?! We keep in touch, and she just finished chemo for breast cancer, while nursing her widowed father from a stroke. She is a different person than before, but maybe she's not, maybe I'M different b/c I know the story. She is my lesson on not really knowing what motivates a person to be the way they are. God reveals things, when we're ready.

[Sonja]

No, Carmen - you are not petty. Clearly you have tried with this woman.
The first thing that popped into my head was that you and your girls should watch "13 Going On 30" if you haven't already. Sounds like you were the inspiration for that movie!!
You and your family are definitely too important to boost this woman's ego and wallet if she still can't treat you like a human being. When I was deep into PTA, there was a particular woman who didn't like me, for no good reason. I was super nice to her because I figured it may get to her in some small way. Now if we run into each other, we barely even smile. I am fine with that.

[Angela Maddox]

I love this post. I too struggle with people like this and walking away feeling less than is awful when I have done nothing to deserve it. As soon as I read what you wrote it brought to mind a quote I saw on Pinterest recently. "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

[Brandy]

There's a woman where I work out who I know doesn't like me. She talks about me to others and they whisper about me behind my back. She was quite rude the night I taught a yoga class by not following my direction. But, I ignored her. It's her issue. Not mine. It still bothers me, but I've made a decision to ignore her.
I know where you're coming from. I know how it makes you feel and I'm proud of you for being strong enough to stand up for yourself.

[Brenda]

Way to go! I've always felt on "that" side of certain people and I've come to the decision that I CAN be stronger than them & not give into their petty games. I also think you're teaching a good lesson to your kids when you show them how to "rise above" those types of social situations.

[Kickback]

Yeah!

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l0bfjvQRNQ1qb6h6f.bmp

[Wendy]

Ooh, a blind item! I will now try to guess which "activity location" you're referring to.