Mom to the Screaming Masses

January, February, Blah Blah Blah

For complicated reasons that I'd rather not delve into here, being that the Internet is forever, and I have no idea who reads this – although you are all really very lovely people – January and February are always difficult months for me.

I know the reasoning behind it, I know that I've had tough times in these months in the past, and I know that the weather doesn't help. (Although, hello, today = 70 degrees...) I try to be especially aware of this and be kind to myself. I try to do things that will make me feel better. My things are not always the same as yours. For example, I once shared this with a friend, and she "solved the problem" by sending me tons of funny puppy and cat pictures.

I'm not a puppy person. I'm not a cat person. Now if you want to send me sarcastic e-cards, we might be in business.

I typically wake with a sense of purpose, a sense of excitement, a feeling of "Something's going to happen, what will the day bring?" In Jan and Feb, I don't feel that. Opening my eyes leads no excitement, no anticipation - it seems dull and blah. Even planning fun activities- parties, trips, etc - it doesn't seem to help.

I try to exercise every day, for I know that that's a mood improve-r for me. I have in years past taken a vitamin D supplement every day, and I realized yesterday that this might be something I need to look at again. I try to make sure to eat the right things, get enough sleep, spend time with friends, do everything "right". I really try hard to avoid stuffing my face, because I know that food makes me feel better - but tight pants make be feel worse. It's really a catch-22.

But sometimes, it doesn't really matter how much funny stuff I watch, how much good music I listen to, how much exercise I do – I still feel very dark inside.

So. January/February = holding on for March. And today means that I'm halfway through. I know I'm certainly not the only one, and I'm supremely lucky that this is only a temporary thing - I have family and friends who suffer from long term depression and have gone through that myself, both post partum and non. I've taken anti depressants, and am aware of myself enough to know that I'm not at that point - it's seasonal.

Right now, I'm going to go sit outside and soak up 30 minutes of warmer than average air. I'm going to close my eyes and just - sit.

Do you feel at all affected by seasonal depression? What do you do to combat it?

(I once saw a critique of my blog and the writer said that, by asking a question at the end of the post, I was begging for comments - maybe I am, but I sincerly want to know - what do you do? I can't be the only one who feels this...)

Depart From My Life, One Step at a Time, and Go Softly

I needed to see this today.

Every morning, as is my habit, I check in on Pinterest for a few minutes while still in bed. It's really the only time that I get to check there, that website which gives me tremendous lust for beautiful clothing (that is often no longer available, wth, Make the Rounds dress from Modcloth??) while simultaneously making me lust for yummy foods and toned, well defined abs.

I digress.

I'd woken up this morning and grabbed my phone to see the time, noted that it was much too early and thought to do my usual morning check in and maybe then go back to sleep. When I saw this quote, I stared at it for a hot minute, pushed the button on the top of my phone to turn in off, and turned over in the dark.  I laid on my side and stared in to the dark, and really thought long and hard about this quote. I realized that it hit me very, very deeply, and could be tied in with the "Cogs in a Kaleidescope" post from a few weeks ago.

I'm not the greatest at friendships. I try, I really do, but time and stress and responsibilites and being somewhat high maintenance all combine to work against me. I'm a difficult person with super scandalous standards, a fierce potty mouth and an overwhelming desire to both be correct and have time in silence.

It's also difficult for me because I don't have a lot in common with many people, and my ideas about things and situations tend to run counter standard. I'm also known for being somewhat filterless, mostly thoughtless and somewhat self centered. It makes me somewhat wary of making friends - for I wonder sometimes if people will really want to be my friend, if they really get to know me. Maybe those frienships have faltered and faded *because* those people really saw the true me and ran helter skelter for the hills.

Yeah. You are all running to compete to be my best friend, I can totally see that.

It's not like I'm having these ENORMOUS visible break ups - many times, for whatever reason, the friendships are hot and heavy and then fade. It's like we grew apart - which is a super analogy and one that is trite and overused and, above all, true. I spend a lot of time in self flagellation - what did I say *this* time, how did I screw up *again*, what did *I* do wrong -

yeah, I always make it all about me.

But what if it's not?

What if the cessation of a friendship is just because that relationship has lived it's life to the completion, and being friends with that person serves no purpose in either your OR their life? What if your friendship has come to a natural end, you've given everything that you can to that person and, for whatever reason, you are of no more need to them in THEIR journey?

It puts an entirely different spin on things.

Maybe, instead of beating myself up about it so often, I can reframe the lenses through which I observe myself. Maybe I'm filling a spot in someone's life and once I've done that, I'm the one walking out of their play.

It's not always about me. I need to repeat this until it actually sinks in.

 

What I've Been Reading Lately

I used to try to do a weekly reader series. I read daily, sometimes hourly, if the book is especially good. I like to share the books I read with you - the good, the bad, the ugly - because in my mind, there is NOTHING worse than buying a book that you think is going to be just AMAZEBALLS and it so is not. 

Ahem. I'm giving the hairy eyeball to you, Amazon reviews.

I read so voraciously that reporting these reads to you could be an all day affair - so I try to do it at least semi regularly in order to keep the post length down.

So, here are some books that I've been reading, with my notes - I'm linking them for your ease, not because I make any money off of your Amazon purchases, fyi:

Me Before You - This was one of my favorite books to have read over the past several months, and I'd have to put it up there at the top of any list. It's been hailed as a "Modern Day Love Story" of the 21st-century, and it touches on the topic of euthanasia. I found myself pulling for the couple, and I didn't expect to. I understood what would happen at the end – kind of saw it coming before it happened – but it was still very touching. 5 stars out of 5.

Mrs. Lincoln's Dressmaker -  I wanted to like Elizabeth, Mrs. Lincoln's Dressmaker. I really did. It seems like just the tale for me – the inner workings of someone who was truly famous, although we know nothing about her. The parts of the story that focused on the dressmaker were very interesting indeed. I especially enjoyed the back door view into the Lincoln White House. When the book delved into Civil War, it definitely lost me. I know my history, and I love me some history. But I didn't want to hear the details of the battles again. Rather, I wanted to know what made the dressmaker stick with Mrs. Lincoln, even though she was extremely difficult. I wanted to know what made their relationship tick. I didn't finish reading this book, and I've only even done that three times. I had been reading for what seemed like days and days, and felt as if I was slogging through it, and realized I was only 34% completed. Rather than being excited that I had so much more to look forward to, I felt dread. So I didn't finish it.

When It Happens to You -
The concept of this book was intriguing - a set of short stories that are all interwoven - one person from the first story appears in the second, a different person from the second is in the third, and so on. The stories were all interesting, some sad, a few that were so well written that I hated the character - which I think I was supposed to. Written by Molly Ringwald, it's not your typical "celebrity" book - those are often so dumb you can't finish them. This was excellent. 4 out of 5. 

Digital Fortress - I downloaded Digital Fortress on the day that Dan Brown's new book title was debuted. I've heard good things about his books, but I've never read them, mostly because I've heard that some of his more famous books were anti-Catholic. I have a hard enough time keeping myself straight. I don't need books to help take me to another side. But Digital Fortress discussed topics that I am interested in: computer hacking, puzzles, the tech world. This is a very good book, although the end didn't come together in a satisfying manner. I had actually picked out who the villain was about halfway through the story. It was predictable, but didn't wrap up satisfactorily. 3 stars out of 5.

Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter -
A murder mystery that gripped me from the very beginning, this was a favorite book. It deals with race and class issues in a satisfactory, and more important, BELIEVABLE manner. 4 stars out of 5.

Redeeming Love - A girlfriend posted that she was reading Redeeming Love on her Facebook wall, and she received more comments on that post than any I've ever seen. Everyone universally loved the book, so I downloaded it. It was – okay. A little bit preachy, a little bit overdone, but still, a fairly satisfying story in the end. Don't read if you don't like to be preached to. 3 stars out of 5.

American Wife - This book I have not yet finished, but I already love it. When I began to read it, I Google search to find out which presidents this book referenced. The overwhelming thought is that it talks about Laura Bush, and her husband. If that is true, this book could almost seems scandalous in some aspects. I like Alice. I really like her a lot, and I'm not a fan of the family into which she married. They are rude, snotty, haughty, and look down on those without money. I find myself rooting for Alice, and hoping that her husband will not go into politics. Alas, being that this is the story of George Bush, or so it's told, we know how this will end. I've not yet finished this book, but I give it a 5 out of 5.

What are you reading?

Baking Bread

When I was in junior high, my favorite class was called Home Ec. I took those classes all the way through high school because I loved to cook and bake. Not so much for the sewing aspect of it - I dislike sewing, although I'm fiercely envious of those who can sew. Every once in a while, I get a wild hair and think to myself, "You can make that."

And, I get to see that, no, I cannot. FAIL.

I also was never big on the "design" or "Home Interior decorating" aspect of those classes. For real. Slap some paint on the walls, put up your pictures and let's get on with life.

My house looks good in spite of me, not because of me.

I loved the Childhood Education segment. I always felt most at home with babies and children and at one point, thought I might be a childcare director. OH. HAHAHAHAHAAAA. Life is super funny.

But cooking and baking - now, that's my deal.

I was reflecting on this over the weekend. My mom and my younger boy made bread together, and watching them reminded me of the lessons that I'd learned so many years ago.

Yeast is a friendly sort. It loves warmth, sugar and salt - but hates heat. Bread dough loves to be oiled and massaged. Allow the dough to rest in order to form the gluten - cover it with a warm cloth and allow it to nap for an hour or so.

I mean - who among us doesn't want to be warm, oiled, massaged, allowed to nap and left alone?

I love to make bread. I have a bread machine, but I rarely use it - maybe twice a year. There's one particular bread dough recipe that I use to make rolls for the holidays that is best if it's done in a bread machine. Every other bread recipe, I do by hand. Completely by hand. I'm not sure why - it's not like I think I can do it better. It's not that I think I have "magic hands" or anything.

I just like to do it. The measuring, the mixing, the proofing. Covering the bowl with a warm wet cloth - a little trick that my mom showed me, I think  - and then coming back to a most magical sight - the dough mounding over the top of the bowl.

Then, the punch down part. Depending upon how frustrating a day it's been, that punch down part might be the best part of a day. The kneading, the second rise, sliding the formed loaves into the oven.

And then, of course, the scent of the baking bread and the taste of it, warm and buttered.

I make bread often. Maybe every week I'll make a few loaves - English muffin bread, white bread, rolls, sourdough or beer bread. It doesn't really matter what type of bread, for everyone here eats it all.

I love making bread.

A Trip, to The Mall, With My Son

I went to the mall with my son yesterday. My son is 20. Closing in on 21 fast, much too fast for me.

I haven't been to the mall with my son alone in many years – I'm not quite sure if I've ever done it before, unless you go all the way back to when he was an infant. Having a big family means there's never just two of you.

I remember the first time I took him to the mall. I had my stroller. I had my sling. My diaper bag was packed full of diapers/wipes/burp cloths/change of clothes for him/diaper ointment – anything one person could possibly need. I had worked at the mall the year before he was born, and my first trip back meant that I was bringing him to show him to my coworkers, most of whom could not have cared less if they ever saw either of us again - I was not so very popular at the JC Penney's.

I put him in the stroller and we walked around. He cried - we stopped. I nursed him, and we walked some more. It was a very short trip, from what I can remember, but I was full of happiness. Here I was, a mom! With the baby! I remember looking at those moms with toddlers and school aged children - how would I *ever* do that? There was so much crying, so much effort, so much juggling - I didn't do any shopping.

I don't think we went to more than two shops, before both of us gave up. It was just too much. Being out with a baby was STRESSFUL.

Yesterday.

Well, yesterday was a much different story.

We took the rail system down, snap chatting with his girlfriend, reading Twitter and Facebook on our respective phones. We walked from the stop to the mall, and he held the door for me. We talked about various, random, and mundane things – politics, grocery shopping, welfare reform, handguns, and soap. None of it really meant anything, but I realized that I was speaking with another adult, albeit a young one. We went to The Body Shop where I bought eye makeup remover. We went to Bath and Body Works, where we bought soap for the kitchen. We stopped in at Lush and sampled products. We went to Harry and David, where we sampled and purchased some of the most delicious coffee I've ever had. We split a sub in the food court, and laughed over the times that I brought him there to play on the play equipment when it was too cold to go outside. We commented on shoes on display, we stopped at the Apple store to look at the new iPhone – in short, it was a very lovely trip.

And we stopped at one more place. We went to the jewelry store, to look for a ring for his girlfriend.

Let that sink into your brain for a minute, let it percolate and fester. The baby that I took to the mall in a stroller, the toddler that I took to the mall with the express purpose of visiting the play place, the little boy I took to the mall to buy new sneakers for – he took me to the jewelry store for my input.

We got a lesson in the three C's, met with a very lovely salesperson, made plans for a future purchase. The trip home featured different, more important topics of conversation that related to the future.

The future that seems so very far away when you are cruising the mall with your baby in a stroller, chasing your toddler, begging your school aged kid to eat just one chicken nugget before you go play in the play structure

becomes a trip to the mall to look at rings.

(Yes, he knows what he's doing. Yes, I know what he's doing. It's a promise, not a vow, and we are all good over here.)

Scene: Phone Call with The Husband

ME: "Hey, you know, it's the strangest thing - I was driving home, and I saw that new fast food place you were talking about the other day - called Cookout? That place was CRAZY busy!"

HIM: "Yeah, the food is off the charts! I had a chicken sandwich from there that was amazing. I know that we are both supposed to be eating healthier, but it was delicious! And I don't think it was too terrible, because I got rid of the bread."

ME: "It was so funny - when I was driving by, my car just TURNED IN TO THE LOT. I couldn't stop it! It was like the car was driving itself or something. I couldn't make the car go straight - I just ended up in the lot. Isn't that funny???"

HIM: "....."

Silence ensues for 10 seconds.

HIM: "So, are you saying that you are there getting some lunch?"

ME: "Um, yeah. It just smelled so good, and I was so hungry..."

HIM: "Well, get a chicken sandwich. It's actually a pretty healthy choice, and you don't have to eat the bread OR get the fries. Whadidja get?"

ME, slightly prevaricating: "I got a sandwich....."

HIM: "A chicken sandwich? One of those grilled chicken sandwiches? Is that what you are saying?"

ME: "I got a sandwich."

HIM: "A Chicken sandwich?"

ME: "Ok, FINE. I got a cheeseburger. Are you happy now? Do you REALLY think that this is the face and body of someone who eats chicken sandwiches?"

HIM: "Well, just eat the burger then. Don't get the sides. Don't tell me you got the sides...."

ME, swallowing audibly, "Um, fries AND HUSH PUPPIES."

HIM: "HUSH PUPPIES???"

ME, somewhat defensively:" Didn't you hear the REVERENCE in my voice?? Hush puppies! I haven't had those in years, since that restaurant down by the Bay closed - they had the best, but these are almost as awesome."

HIM, sighing:" Well, eat one or two and save the rest for later, or give them to the kids. Remember, we are both supposed to be eating healthier."

ME: <burp> At least I got a Diet Coke??

END SCENE.

48 Questions

Today my friend and super co worker Zakary answered 48 questions on her Raising Colorado blog - and then Issa did the same on her blog -  and I am shamelessly jacking the idea.  Lately I feel all out of teh words, so let’s do this, sharing is caring.

And, yes, I stole that last sentence as well. I've NEVER felt more out of the typeable words than I do today. Swipe away if you want and let me know - I'll come read it!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

A patient in the hospital that my mom worked in

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last big, hard, long, cry your guts out cry was the day before Thanksgiving. Still haven't gotten over that one.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

No, I often joke that I have the handwriting of a serial killer. (bonus points times a million if you know the movie that quote is from)

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Not really any. 

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Six. Which feels like 100 some days. 

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Of course. I am funny and sarcastic and a good person. 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

Duh. See above.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

NO times a hundred bajillion

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Lucky Charms. Which I never get because, hello, a ton of sugar - might as well eat a cookie. Ymmmm, cookies.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

No. I am super lazy.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Mentally, yes, physically, no

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I don't like ice cream, not really.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their hair.

15. RED OR PINK?

I guess pink. I'm not really a motivated by color person.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

I’m pretty bossy and over-opinionated. This was Zakary's answer, and by God, I'm going with it.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

???

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

??? Technique??? Issa said folding the bottom sheet, Zakary said omelet folding - I'm gonna say - present wrapping. I *can* do it - I just don't have the patience.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

Barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A chocolate cupcake

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

Gabe talk to his friends on Skype, Mackenzie practicing one of the arias for school, and the song Little Things by One Direction. (Shut Up. I don't have any other songs by them. Just that one. I'm really a 13 year old girl....)

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Black

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Lemon, vanilla, peppermint

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

Not going to answer

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Beach please

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Football

27. HAIR COLOR?

Dark brown/blue

28. EYE COLOR?

Green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

Yes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Too many to list. Chocolate cake (good stuff, not cheap), ribs, french fries, hamburgers, honeycrisp apples, good spaghetti, hot bread with butter. Etc, etc, etc.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Happy. Always and eternally.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Les Miserables

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Blue and white striped

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Fall

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Cookies. Godiva Chocolate cheesecake. (You are beginning to see why I am no longer a size 2, yes??)

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Strength. Love me some Crossfit stuffs. 

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

Computer.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Just finished Dan Brown's Digital Fortress - it was awesome. Now I'm reading Molly Ringwald's When it Happens to You and I'm hooked. 

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Trackpad. I use a separate mouse for work and that sits on the envelope that holds Allegra's senior portraits. ME SO FANCY.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

Silence

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

Love all of it.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Maui

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

I like to think I'm a good hostess, but I'm not. Probably nothing.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Missouri.

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Virginia

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?

White

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

White

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?

If they are good ones, it's kinda cool. Otherwise, I'm sure it's boring for everyone involved.

Did You Ever Have One of "Those" Days?

I'm sure you have. I'm sure, unless you are not human, you've had one of those days. A day that isn't horrific, a day that has nothing humongously awful occur – just enough little stuff to make it all seem pointless.

You know what I mean: the dishwasher returns a set of still dirty dishes. The kids are all crabby and fighting. It's raining, for the 407th day in a row. The weather says that it may snow over the weekend, and you know very well that your fair city doesn't handle snow at all. There's nothing good to eat, even though you went to the grocery – there's lots of stuff to cook, and it would make very yummy food, but you don't feel like exerting the effort.

You're crampy, you're bloated, you exercise but feel that it gets you nowhere. Everyone you speak to seems to be in a bad mood.

It's cold outside, it's chilly inside, you have to pay the bills, but know that will depress you further. You turn on the radio, and all the music is blah. A beloved relative is undergoing massive surgery, and it's enough to shake up your day.

So you decide to try to do things that will turn your day around. You try to look for the good in things, try to appreciate the fact that you're not standing outside in the rain shaking a tambourine, wearing a Statue of Liberty costume to drum up business for a tax accountant service.

Or waiting for the bus in the rain.

You didn't have a car accident. You don't currently have cancer. You have money in the bank, which is more than could be said in recent years. You have food in the pantry, and although your weight may be up, it's not as up as it once was.

You tell yourself, "The dishes in the sink mean we have food, and water to wash them with." It doesn't work. You tell yourself, "People who can't have kids would treasure every minute of those kids arguing as if their very lives depend upon showing that they are right and the other person is dead wrong."

It doesn't work.

You tell yourself that the ability to listen to music, even if it's music you can't stand, prove that you have hearing. The sight of all the chores ahead of you means that you have vision. The spouse that calls 27 times in 15 minutes to remind you to do something – well, you have a spouse, and you have things to do, so there's that. Your incredibly filthy house, the one that you only seem to be the one to be able to clean – well, it's a roof over your head, and having all that stuff all around your shows that you have stuff, right?

Achey legs means that you've been able to exercise - and it's a hell of a lot better than wearing a boot and sitting on the sofa with your crutches.

None of it works. For whatever reason, PMS, hormones, a predisposition to dark moods, the weather, the fact that your body is so exhausted that you just don't feel like moving – it doesn't seem to fix itself.

So you go out to buy a cupcake, download a new book, and count the minutes until the day finishes.

A Body In Motion Tends to Stay in Motion

H/T to my gorgeous bestie Kendra for the blog post - hers goes in a slighty different direction, so make sure you stop over there and read it.

So, today is the 15th of January. We are halfway through the first month of 2013.

As an aside - I wrote the first checks of the year today - and seriously had to stop and think what year it was. It's been THAT long since I wrote the date.

So, one resolution I made was to be constant. That was my word for the year. Constant. I want to be constant in my exercise, for I find that I am in a better mood when I do so. And even if my weight doesn't change one bit - although I don't know if it does or doesn't, because I flatly refuse to get on the scale (I know that I obsess over the numbers) -

I feel as if I look more fit and just overall better in my clothes if I exercise.

But, oh, am I l-a-z-y. So, so lazy. And having a job online means that I spend vast quantities of time in a chair, in front of a screen, and it means that there's ALWAYS something that needs my attention, something that needs to be done and an entire day can go by without me moving more than my fingers.

And my legs, when I stretch them out on top of my desk. You've seen this, right?

found on Pinterest with no accreditation - if it's yours, please let me know

So, here is my work around. My absolutely, no holds barred, get my lard butt moving plan.

Get dressed in exercise clothes in the early morning. For realz. I mean, you hear that all the time, and I've even said it - but I used to find myself getting jeans and a t shirt on to drive the kids to school, telling myself that I'd change when I got home - and then I'd start laundry, and dishes, and picking up, and then my email would flip over, and Facebook would begin it's siren call, and I'd check my "every day, must read" blogs - and it would be 10:00.

So, from January 5 or so, no more. I've gotten up every day, put on my super strong German prison matron bra, my yoga pants, my exercise shirts- and my sneakers. The most important part for me. Once I lace those things up, they aren't coming off until I've exercised.

I have walked or done Core class - or even RUN some intervals, that seriously felt stupid good - just about every day since Jan 1. I've done the burpee challenge every day. (Although I'm not gonna lie - tomorrow is a rest day and I'm delirious with relief - the hardest days are yet to come, there are days with 40, 45 and FIFTY ahead!)

I was super stoked that I ran. Granted, it was just intervals, and it was slow and so, so ugly looking - but there was actual, pick up the feet and run, movement where there hasn't been any in a good long while. It was uncomfortable, just as the orthopedic surgeon said it would be, but it wasn't painful, which was my biggest fear. I don't have a plan, a timeline or even any thoughts - I'm not planning to run a long race by a certain time, break a ten minute mile, work up to five miles a day. Every time I've tried to do those things, my leg craps out again.

I've been given a last chance - if I tear the muscle again, it'll mean surgery and I do not want that.

So I have no plan, I have no time goal, I have no deadline. My non plan is this:

Run when you want. Stop when you get tired. Don't push your repaired leg too much. Remember what it feels like to run, to find that freedom, that runners high. If it gets easier and you want to run more, do it. If it doesn't, if it hurts or is torture, stop.

I've removed all expectations. I expect zero of myself. 

And it must be working, because every day, I wake up and say to myself I can't wait to try to run again.

So far it's working.

What about you? How are your resolutions, thoughts, ideas, or plans for the new year going????

So, Today, This "Thing" Happened

I worked a funeral today. I did the incense, which is my favorite job.

I have a tendency to make things "All About MEEEEEE".

I promise. I'm going to tie those two polarizing thoughts together. Pinky swear.

I'm not going to go in to the specifics of what happened. Suffice to say - it involved a container that held extra charcoal briquets that was supposed to be metal but had been inexplicably switched for plastic, sparks that went unnoticed, lots of smoke, cinders, fumbling blistered fingers, carpet, a table top, a speedy exit from the back entrance of the church that so thankfully went unnoticed by the mourning family, sobbing apologies in front of people who didn't quite know how to handle the stoic Carmen crying - 

And my TARGET card - which was the only thing that I could grab from my purse to help me try to salvage the disaster and quell the oncoming rush of trouble.

I KNOW. My TARGET CARD. SOB.

After the entire debacle had been discussed ad nauseum and I had beaten myself about the head and shoulders for several hours, I got up the nerve to explain what had happened yet again to the big one, the man in charge. To say I was nervous would have been like saying the ocean is a drop of water. I mean, for real - the table is burnt, the carpet is messed up - it was a mess. but thankfully, well received.

The next person I called was an older woman who serves with me, who had been absent that day.
She's one of  the women whose company I enjoy most, and I love to bounce ideas off of her. I greatly admire her – in fact, I hope to be like her if I ever grow up. I explained to her what happened, and I said, for probably the third time, "I wish God wasn't trying so hard to teach me humility".

I really think that's why I was called to do funeral ministry. In my mind, I don't think I'm a very humble person, and it seems to me that I make a lot of mistakes in funeral ministry. I really think that God is using this to teach me to be humble.

When I shared this with my friend, she snapped, "Don't be ridiculous. It's not all about you."

I was taken aback. What did she mean? I made an enormous mistake, right? Involving FIRE, for cripes sake. 

She continued - "You didn't make a mistake. It was an accident. The mistake was made by whoever exchanged a metal box for a plastic one. You did make one mistake, though. You made this all about you - your troubles, your diffculties. What happens to you isn't always meant for you. We may be playing a part in someone else's life. It's not always a lesson for you. Maybe we are teaching someone else something about their life, or helping someone else in some way that we can't see."

When she said these things, they were so profound that I stopped what I was doing – in this case washing dishes as I talked on the phone – and had her repeat them. Then I had her hold on while I got a pencil and paper, and I wrote them down.

I'm going to repeat the key part – What happens to you isn't always meant for you.

She's a deeply spiritual person, so this whole train of thought was a little startling to hear from her. She continued "We're so busy thinking "How did I screw it up? What is God trying to teach me here? How can I improve? What are my lessons? I have to be perfect. I need to work harder."

She continued, "It's not about us. We are a cog in a kaleidoscope. One day, we will see the real picture, the whole picture – and sometimes, in our lives, we are fortunate to see that. But it doesn't always happen. What happened to you today was an accident, and it was a teaching moment, but it may not have been a teaching moment for you. You may have been a conduit to teach something to someone else, or to be there as a separate situation unfolded. You are too hard on yourself. Let it go. It's not about you."

It was an eye-opening conversation. Something I've pondered for several hours now, and something that has deeply affected the way I think.

What happens to you isn't always meant for you.

Mind = blown.