Unapologetically Me

So, a couple of things happened to me over the past few days, and I've had time to ruminate, meditate, and brew over them. It doesn't help that I have insomnia again. Well. Anyway, one of my children had a formal dance on the weekend, and I went to take some pictures. The music was playing, and we all know that I love to dance. It took everything in my power to be very still and unobtrusive.

You may stop laughing now. We all know that I truly cannot be unobtrusive. Even if I try.

But I didn't wish to embarrass my child, to leave my child with a memory of her mother dancing like a fool at her formal event. On the way out, I was talking with another grown-up, and a comment was made that this person could see that I love the spotlight. (Or that I loved to be on stage - the actual comment was lost to me. Just the sentiment.)

The context of the conversation was immaterial – what I'm wanting to discuss at this moment in time is that point – that I love the spotlight. I don't feel like I do, but at that moment in the conversation, I felt flayed open, bare for all to see.

That conversation goes along with the grocery trip that I made today. Yes, I make a grocery trip almost every day. But today, I was playing music very loudly in my car. I can't help it – that's what I do when I'm alone. And as I was driving out of the parking lot, I happen to catch the eye of a shopper leaving the store. She's someone I know very well, someone who cannot be bothered to give me the time of day, makes snide comments under her breath, and the look that she gave me today could have curdled milk. For about half a second I froze: Oh, man, did she hear my music? Was I embarrassing myself? Should I be embarrassed?

No, because I'm not going to be embarrassed of me. For a long time, I wondered if my children wanted a different mother. You know the mother I'm speaking of – the one who wears bangs and ponytail, deck shoes and chinos, is there for every volunteer event of the school, with her Eddie Bauer vests and her prep school education. A thinner, more fit, less "boobs and butt, 1940's" body type. She drives a station wagon, or maybe a mini van, has presets for easy listening and never ever speeds. She's kind, never says a word against another person, smiles all the time and loves everyone. And everyone loves her.

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with this kind of mother. In fact, she's the kind of mother that I have long admired - but I am not that kind of mother.

I am the kind of mother who has blue hair, has Thrift Shop and Wobble and The Time Warp loaded on her playlist, the kind of mother who cannot stand still if there is music on and club dances to her heart's content, the kind of mother who gets lost reading and forgets that she's supposed tp pick someone up 10 minutes ago. The kind of mother who doesn't want to drive a minivan but really longs to buy a motorcycle - and LOVES her husband's super huge black pick up truck more than is probably legal. Or advisable.

The mom who is not quiet, but loud. She laughs too loudly, loves to dance in public and lives for sarcasm. She's often borderline inappropriate, loves her family fiercely but loves her free time even more than that. She's snarky and a friend thorugh thick and thin.

And I'm not apologizing for her anymore.

Comments

[Gabriela - Living La Vida Normal]

Oh my! Thank you for sharing this, just in the nick of time. I have been thinking of that recently, my older son will be 18 in just over 3 months and I sometimes wonder in which ways he wants me to be different. I know he often shakes his head, especially if I do something that clearly embarrasses him. I agree with you, I can't change who I am at my essence and I surely won't apologize for being me. I think they learn a better lesson about being and loving themselves when we accept and love ourselves than if we conformed to some prescribed way we should be to be good parents.

[Sandy]

Makes me think of the quote "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". You go girl!!!

[lisa]

People like the snarky woman you saw? They make me want to run over, squeeze them to my bosom, and proclaim in a LOUD voice "Heeeyyy, girlfriend! Glad to see you! Have a great day!" Kill 'em with kindness!!!!!

[Lisa]

Amen Sister!!! And that perfect mother doesn't exist. There will be things about you that drive your kids crazy and embarrass them. And things that they respect, admire and like. Most importantly they will love you as you love them. But you aren't just a mother, you are an individual and yes, a person in your own right!! Something that gets lost in this mommy (or kid) -centric culture.

And BTW, that "perfect" mom? Maybe the kids never get to get out the play-doh or paint because it is too messy, maybe they too are forced into perfect "boxes", maybe they wish for a fun, loud, slightly-crazy existence. You never know!!

[Ginger]

You're my kinda friend!

[Nikki]

You are the type of mother that I admire and often strive to be. Thank you for reminding me that I can be happy and proud to be who I am simply because it's who I am.

[Nicki]

My head would explode if I tried to be that kind of a mother. Be who you are; it allows your kids to be who they are. My kids frequently complain I am weird, to which I explain they are son of weird and it is genetic so they might as well get used to it. :)

[Karen Z]

You go girl - your kids love you just the way you are - I wish we lived closer together so we could hang out - my group of good friends (the chix) would love you too!

[LizP]

>> the one who wears bangs and ponytail, deck shoes and chinos, is there for every volunteer event of the school, with her Eddie Bauer vests and her prep school education. <<

That mom doesn't really exist and if she did she'd be a raving bitch ;-)

[Headless Mom]

Double Dog Dare you to take Lisa's advice the next time you see snarly woman. Make sure a kid is there with an iphone for pictures.

[Kyooty/Mary]

Laughing at Lisa and Headlesses ideas. :P

[Soni]

Absolutely LOVE this post. A friend of mine lost her 5 year old daughter to cancer a few years ago. She has told me that since then, she does not give a crap what anyone thinks of her, her husband, he other children, etc. She saw first hand how precious life is and decided to live it on HER terms. And she is a really fun, adventurous, outspoken woman who I am proud to call friend. I try to live as authentically as I can as well - sometimes it is uncomfortable, sometimes I think I should just toe the line. But at the end of the day, I can be satisfied because I know that I was me, not some version of me that satisfied someone else's expectations.

[Kait]

I agree wholeheartedly!

I struggled with this for a while when my girls were a little younger. Especially the preschool years, when I was obviously the youngest mother at their school and was very snubbed for it. But then I thought you know, f them. Seriously. F them. We pay tuition just like everyone else. Just because we're younger doesn't make us less than them as parents. We're still great parents.

[Marica]

I can totally relate to this post! When I was a younger mother, I used to compare myself to other Martha Stewart/Land's End catalog types of moms, but realized that it's just not me. There's always a part of me that's insecure about that stuff, but at the end of the day, I know that what I wear or look like has nothing to do with the way I raise my kids. They may drive me crazy at times, but I know that they are great kids and I'd like to think that I had something to do with that. :)

[Brandy]

I used to apologize to my kids about the type of mother I am. I gave that up. I am who I am and they can accept me or not. Btw, your playlist and mine are scarily similar. (As is the love of big trucks. *g*)