I know I told you before, just in passing, that my 92-year-old father-in-law moved in with us. We've been taking care of him since August, in our home, but I was taking care of him in his home over the summer. Additionally, I was helping to provide care for my sister-in-law, who passed away in August.
My father-in-law has had a series of health conditions. Over the past three weeks, his condition has deteriorated quickly, and he needed full-time nursing care. This would explain why I have been a little sparse around here. It's been much like fighting a rising tide, or sticking your finger in a dyke. Every which way we've turned, something else has occurred. I've barely been able to focus over the past three weeks.
On Friday, I took my father-in-law to the hospital to have a procedure done to make him more comfortable. He did not recover well from the procedure, and the weekend was very tough on us. On Sunday, I told my husband that I was taking him into the emergency room. Most surprisingly, my father-in-law did not fight me, but said that he wanted to go. If you knew him, you would know that this is a big deal, because he fought me all the time on even seeing a doctor, or using his visiting nurse, or his visiting home doctor.
He hated doctors. And he requested to go into the hospital.
He was admitted to the hospital with kidney failure. He was able to speak to us Sunday, and he was wakeable Monday, and we had a very nice conversation with him Monday night. In that conversation, he asked forgiveness for anything he had done, said some very nice things about me that I probably don't deserve, and told us all that he was going home. He mentioned several times, and at first I thought that he meant he was going back to our house. Then I realized – he meant going home to happen. My father-in-law has a very deep faith, probably the biggest faith of anyone in my entire life. He is not afraid. He is ready to go.
Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. He is unconscious, although not in pain. He made me his power of attorney, and it's been a very difficult time for me. He told the hospice nurse, "She's the best nurse I've ever had. She's in charge. You do what she says. She makes the decisions."
I don't necessarily like having that
responsibility, but I have to respect that he thought enough of me to
have me do it. And I have to do it to the best of my ability, be sure
that his wishes will be respected, and do what he wants. Over the past
three weeks, he and I have spent much time talking about what he wanted
I know what he wants to happen. I have to make sure it happens.
The past three weeks have been a maelstrom of emotion. I've literally felt as if I was drowning.
He's hanging on for some reason. I don't know what that reason is – he said he was ready to go, and we all said our goodbyes. I know that we can't rush this, I know that it will all be done in gods time.
I just wish I knew what that time was. I am 100% emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted, drained, spent, and weak.