Hello! Happy New Year! May 2017 be there for you, be the best year ever, and all that jazz.
Last year, my word for the year was "Balance".
I was a dismal failure at Balance. Literally, I did too much and promised too much and just - had no balance in my life.
This year, I'm not picking a word. Rather, I would like to work on a concept.
That concept is being nice to myself.
I have a running dialogue all the time, it's really background noise and I barely notice it.
"You are dumb. You are stupid. They don't really like you, why would they? They are just being nice to you because they want something. You aren't smart, and I don't think anyone should listen to you. You aren't any good at it - whatever it is - and you should step back and let the true experts do it."
You know, that kind of stuff.
I try, really hard, to overcome it and turn off that constant chatter, but I've never been super successful at it.
One of my kids had a bad spell with asthma over the break. I realized on the third day that her controller medication was empty - and on the fourth day, I realized that we were perilously close to running out of albuterol - she'd been tossing the empty nebules back in the container and I was fooled by them. You cannot - or many you can, I dunno - imagine the depth of self hate I had. My kid was *sick* and I wasn't together enough to double check the medication?
We had gone to NY for my husband's sister's funeral - she died Christmas day - and I had realized that my kid's asthma was acting up enough to bring the nebulizer with me (Thank God, because we would have probably ended up in a Queens or Long Island hospital). Still, I was irritated with myself.
I have, mostly, curbed the external self demolishment. I no longer say I'm stupid or dumb or fat or boring out loud, where my kids can hear. I know they shouldn't hear me say those things.
But I have no idea how to turn off the internal hatred.
Part of it comes, I think, from a sense of wanting to be humble. After all, no one likes a braggart, amirite? And if I say the negative thing first, well, that protects me from hearing your negative thing. In other words, I can beat you to the insult. Someone did tell me over the break that I was fat and boring, and I cannot tell you how much I have obsessed over those words.
but it's dragging me down and I need to defeat it this year.
I sometimes do feel smart. I occasionally think I'm nice looking. I have thought that I take good pictures. I've hardly ever thought I'm a good mom, good wife, good friend. When I do think those things, I find myself ignoring the positive and focusing on the negative.
Have you done it?