is that is suddenly, without knowing it, often can become solitude.
I spent years and years of my life at a frantic pace, running from one thing to another, chasing my tail, constantly playing catch up. I was late for everything - and I mean everything. I took care of one kid, ran over to another, put out one fire and turned around to face another. I hit the bed late at night, passed out for a few hours, got up and walked around the house in a daze taking care of this kid and that kid
because I did the night time care too, because I didn't feel like my husband should have to do
being that he worked a hundred bajillion majillon hours a week
and got up at the ass crack of dawn to start all over again. I never stopped, never slowed. I kept going and going and going and people, man, they commented on it
until one day
i found myself sitting on the couch and I was crying and I could.not.stop. It just so happened that I had tons my calf muscle 80% and I was forced to sit on the sofa for 6 long, very long months, and during those months, I learned that I needed to slow down
and now, I've learned a different type of slow down
because my kids are growing up while I'm growing into who I want to be when I grow up.
Don't worry. I'm not there yet. That's going to take an awful long time, but you know what? I kind of know what I want to be know, and it's not what I thought it was. I'm more self assured now, more honest and more confident now.
(Some people don't like that. SOME people are uncomfortable with me now - they don't like that I speak my mind. It makes them uncomfortable. Better them than me, I say.)
One thing I do now is I spend more time with me. I spend time with myself - my kids spend more time away from me, with their friends and their boyfriends and fiancee's and in their apartments (I've launched TWO OF THEM, how AMAZING IS THAT, OMG, THERE IS A FUTURE FOR ME) I do things like drive around and listen to music and go for walks and take pictures and
Today, I drove to do an errand with my music blaring, no one in the car, windows down, hair blowing, and sat at a stop light - and I pondered my life. Ten years ago I never thought I'd be here. I drove a 15 passenger van full of six kids, four of whom were in car seats, three of whom were probably screaming at me, one who was definitely having a melt down and probably tossing her shoes at me. My mind was trying to figure out when I was going to fold twenty loads of wash, change diapers, handle therapy, make doctor appointments, get homework done, go to soccer practice, refill medications, make dinner - never mind the other stuff.
In many ways it is easier today.
And I turned off the radio and finished the drive in total silence while I thought about life.
When I got to my location, I saw this really lovely walking path, and took a 5 minute stroll. That's all it was - 5 minutes. It was an oasis of quiet and peace in a bustling world, and I realized that I might not have made it, not yet - but I'm damned lucky.
And I need to take the time to stop and enjoy the 5 minute strolls in my life and realize that as much stress and chaos seems as if it will always be there - it will pass in the blink of an eye.