Mom to the Screaming Masses

The Truth in the Press Release

In my email, I receive a lot of press releases. Every day, I get between 5 and 10. 99% of them I delete – but last week, one of them stuck with me. In fact, it still remains in my inbox, and every time I check my email, I see it.

"The lies low self-esteem will tell you". That's the title, with the subtitle,"Latest research indicates that battling self – esteem issues is a mind game".

Which brought me back to something that happened on my trip to San Francisco.

And it sounds really stupid, really vain and self-centered and stupid, and, dare I say, somewhat arrogant to even admit this, but I was actually genuinely astonished anytime anyone said they were happy to see me, that they'd remembered me from another trip, that they had hoped I would be on this trip because they wanted to see me again. Every time, I was blown away. Why would someone be happy to see me? Why would they care if I was on the trip?

I know that when I was planning for the trip, there were many people that I wanted to see again. Ruth, Eddie, Robyn, Walt, Rick, Kathy, Lexie, Jeff - They were all names that were on the foremost of my mind, people that I'd had fun with before and couldn't wait to see again. But the thought that one of those people actually thought that about me was a shock.

And, with God as my witness, I'm not telling you this so that I can get a pat on the back, an "oh you're so special", or any kind of adulation whatsoever. I was honestly very shocked. It's that old bugaboo, the low self-esteem, the character flaw from which I try to distance myself but with which I've never quite been successful.

I have long struggled with that internal voice, the put down - the "Oh, I'm so stupid, can you believe anyone would make such a mistake, hahahaha - that's me, right there!" - that constant, low running background noise, the chatter that is constant and insistent and ever prevalent. That internal muttering that says You took a great picture? It's a total fluke. You wrote something well received? THAT will never happen again! She's happy to see you? There must not be anyone better to hang out with. You made them laugh? They were laughing AT you, not with you!

There's a conundrum, I think, for women especially. If we think we are worthy, think we are good and decent people - well, then, we must be bragging and self centered and boasty. And no one wants that, and so we develop this constant running self put down.

In the press release, it was suggested that everyone who deals with this - even if it's a joking, let me put myself down before anyone else can do it! - make a conscious effort to notice each and every time you put yourself down - and then cover it immediately with a positive thought. I've been trying to do this, and it feels weird, awkward and self centered.

What about you? Do you have that internal dialogue running? Do you squelch it? Do you listen to it? How do you handle it?

Trying to Find the Words

As the week went on, things seemed to get more and more dark. Bombings. Shootings. Explosions. Earthquakes. Everywhere I looked, something worse was going on.

Friday came, and I was glued to my tv, just like everyone else. I knew the afternoon was set up to be a disaster for me - school dismissal, soccer practice , soccer pictures, golf match at the other end of town, musical concert in another city. All occurring within a three hour time span.

Which seemed so trivial after the events of the week, but there you go.

3:00 dismissal. 3:15 pictures. 3:30 drop off at the golf match - 10 miles away. 4:15 soccer pick up, back at school. At 5, I almost decided to skip the outdoor musical production - the weather was getting bad, I was tired, and the thought of driving from the edge of one city to the far end of another was so not appealing. Traffic was insane, my shorties were cranky, and I was hungry. I desperately wanted to pack it in - and my child swore she didn't care if I came to hear her.

But I decided to do it. I begged my mom to take my small girls and fill in for me at golf, and I drove. And I drove and I drove.

When I got there, the production hadn't quite started, and I stood in the middle of the blocked off road. I stood still while people milled around me, jockeying for position, while the musicians warmed up and all around me, there was noise and chaos. I stood totally still and just - was. The music started, my child began to sing, and for one brief minute - there was no bombing, no explosion, no man hunt, no earthquake - there was just peace.

For that minute, standing in the street, surrounded by a swelling crowd, it all evaporated and I was at peace.

Fun in San Francisco, Part the First

We had a spectacular view from our hotel room. That's Alcatraz off in the distance. The closer island, before the mountain.

And I never really adjusted to Pacific Coast time, so I saw an awful lot of this out the other side of the room - we had a really awesome corner room that was basically two walls of windows.

The Golden Gate Bridge was spectacular.

And Lombard Street really is super steep and very crooked - we walked to it, down it, up it, and back down again.

A Time Away

I go away with my husband once a year. It's a trip for work, an award that he has won for ten years now - as long as the company has been offering the trip, he's won it.

The next couple of posts will be pictures from the trip, and here's one of my favorites:

Wisdom from a Phone Booth

I don't even remember the last time I used a pay phone, but I walked past this over the weekend.

And I took a picture to remind me, and I'm sharing to remind you – sometimes a smile does much more than you think.

Play Some Funky Music

Just because it's the weekend.

Just because I'm a little bit roadblocked for topics.

Just because I'm in need of something fun and interesting, and I'd wager to think that most of you are as well.

List the last couple of songs that you downloaded. If you don't download songs, what was the last CD you bought? (If you didn't buy CDs, please don't tell me that you bought a record or cassette or an 8 track. Although, my daughter bought a record player at a thrift store, and it's her favorite purchase.)

1: My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark – Fall Out Boy
2: Yes to Love - Stefano
3: Same Love - Macklemore
4: Wings - Little Mix
5: Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks (I know, I know...)
6: I Wish that I Was Beautiful for You - Darren Hanlon

Maybe we can all find some great new music this weekend!

What I've Been Reading Lately - The Latest

First of all, a bit of housekeeping:

I've been nominated (by myself, don't get all up in my bidness - but I was encouraged to nominate those, so there! - wow, did I just get cranky!) to speak as a Voices of the Year at the BlogHer Conference for two posts. I would really, really love to read one of these posts. IF and only IF you liked them, and think that they would be a good piece to read to a wider audience - would you consider voting? Post #1 is the one that talks about the trip to the mall with my son and Post #2 is about having faith. You can read both of them before you vote. Please and thank you and you look so very pretty today.

Item the second: I did a car review for my good friend Chris and it's live here. It's only the second car review I've done, so be kind.

Now, on to the show.

Books I've read lately, and my thoughts on them - this is probably going to be long, so I'm going to use the "read more" click through option that some of you don't like. I'm super sorry in advance. It just seems to be a gigantic wall of text.

I read a lot, y'all.

And the way I can read so much? Well, you should see the pile of paperwork sitting here on my desk. I work. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. I care for the shorties (maybe that should have come first...)

And then I read. I don't watch TV, unless it's Downton Abbey, Call The Midwife or Funeral Boss (man, do I love that show.)

I just - read.

The Charm School (Nelson DeMille) - probably one of my favorite books. I am not typically a spy novel person, but the premise of this - that our POW's from the Vietnam War were traded to Russia and forced to train the Russian soldiers to become American Impersonators - sent shivers down my spine. It was an awesome book 5 stars out of 5.

Mama's Got a Brand New Bag

I have retired the "Bargained for on a New New York Street Corner" pocketbook.

Long-live that awesome pocketbook. I still love it. Just needed something new for Springtime.

When I was at the Blissdom conference, I saw a woman carrying a very, very cool bag. Being the outgoing person that I am, I immediately accosted her, and asked where she purchased it. She had made it, and was kind enough to give me one of her Etsy business cards. SelbyLane boutique.

And I went home, and I promptly purchased one of her bags. There was only one small problem: I wanted to take the bag with me when I go away this weekend, and it wasn't going to be ready. So she was gracious enough to sell me the very bag that she had carried at Blissdom.

It arrived today, two short days after we finalized the order. I couldn't be more excited, and I really believe in buying from home-based businesses.

If you need a new bag, I would suggest that you check out Selby Lane on Etsy. Tell her I sent you. I get not one thing for it, I just really like the look of this bag a lot. You can get different color combinations, and it's full of pockets inside so I can (oh, hahahahahaha!) try to be more organized.

So, Then Spring Break was Over

I typically cannot wait for spring break to begin. It usually arrives just as I'm at the end of my rope, completely overscheduled, overwhelmed, and worn out. We don't ever go anywhere for spring break, and I usually continue my daily work schedule. But not having to get up super early, get people to school, remember instruments, get them to pack lunches, and do homework – the absence of all of that is overwhelming.

It's usually by the fifth day that I'm struggling. This year, I made all the way to the eighth day before I wondered if it was too early to send them back to school. At first, I counted that as a success.

But, guilt found its way, as it always does, and it made me dread summer vacation all the more. After all, summer vacation is 12 weeks. That's a lot longer than 11 days. Spring break manages to be something that I look forward to with all my heart, and end up feeling like the worst mother in the world.

I had to remind myself, though, that summer vacation has a couple of things going for it that spring break does not. The weather is warmer, not usually so damp and wet. I can send people outside, we can go to the pool, the beach, and there's more for them to do to amuse themselves. There are summer camps, which for the first time, I'm really contemplating for my kids. Mostly because this is one of the first times in my life that I actually might have the extra income to do so.

Spring break always over sells itself in my mind. By the end, I'm exhausted, worn-out, frustrated, overwhelmed, and my house is badly in need of a thorough cleaning.

And I cannot wait for Monday morning. And part of me says that makes me a bad mom, I'm part of me says that I'm A-OK, that I'm just like the vast majority of the other moms out there. Even the ones who Instagram their lives to death, who make everything seem outstanding! Amazing! So awesome!

Spring break: you definitely got the better of me this year.

Last Post About the Conference

The best part of any conference, for me, is not the food. It's not the freebies, the sessions, the networking with brands.

It's hanging out with my friends. Shannon, Kendra and I all have boys the same age - all who play Minecraft together.