The Failure Edition

I feel like a failure.

I was afraid to go to Blogher this year.  Not because I was nervous to see people, or afraid to speak.

I was afraid because my weight is up. And I was afraid that people would talk, and people would criticize.

Fourteen weeks of wearing the boot, 6 weeks of physical therapy, followed by a miscarriage and then having to pick myself up and begin basically ALL OVER AGAIN - it's demotivating and demoralizing, not to mention the other D word - depressing.

I've been a success at weight loss, having lost 80 pounds, but it was really too much weight.  I have no idea how much I weigh right now - as in, too ashamed to get on the scale - but I know that last years jeans are really tight and in one case, unable to zip.  So, for the sake of kicks, let's say 20 pounds.

And I know how to get it off.  I just - don't want to. 

But I don't like my body right now, the muffin top that's reappeared, the gelatinous thighs, the bottom the size of South Africa.  I take muay thai or capoeira five days a week, but it's not enough cardio, and so I need to get back out there and pound the pavement.

I've got to.  For my own mental health, for my physical well being - because I'm not going back to where I was five years ago. I'm not.

I'm NOT.

This is me, picking myself up to try, try again. After all, what else can you do?

Comments

[Headless Mom]

You are NOT a failure! I saw you last week and if you are up, it's no where near 20 lbs. Maybe 10? Just like me, you need to do what you can and get to a comfortable size and maintain it. I realized that I had eaten too many snack bar dinners and had too many cokes. So. Back to basics-less sugar and white carbs, more salads and lean protein. You'll get there. I know it!

[Chatty Cathy]

Carmen, my heart goes out to you. I too, have not stepped on the scale, and I really want to...but at the same time I know I need to not to right now. I don't want to be chained to a number. There is so much more to me than that number. There's a difference between taking care of our bodies and not. There's also freedom to be had in where you have come from. I pray that as you continue on this journey, when you look into the mirror, you begin to see the beauty that resonates within you and that comes out through your physical appearance. There is more to you than a number and you are worth taking care of your body, not being chained to slavery to the scale...and I hope that by sharing with us readers, you continue to have healing with the miscarriage. My heart truly goes out to you!

[Andrea Sirls]

You can do it! You've climbed a much bigger mountain than the few pounds that keep you out of your jeans. Take a deeeep breath...

[Julie B.]

I know exactly how you feel. I lost 55 pounds and hit my goal in May of 2008. I have now gained back 10 pounds. It scares me to death and yet I am sick to death thinking about my weight 24/7. I cannot let it go any higher and I give myself pep talks all the time only to turn around and eat too much of something. I feel like everyone is looking at me saying there she goes just like everyone else gaining her weight back. You can do it and so can I. We will march (literally) on!!

[Beth]

I am a study in opposites. I need to lose, but am afraid to get on the scale. I just walked, then ate a peanut butter/chocolate cookie(delish). I picked up my kids from soccer and football, then gave them junky snacks. I guess that's why this isn't called heaven! But I WILL keep trying, and I WILL stop obsessing and I WILL take time for me, because really, when I do that, the weight is not a problem.

[Lori]

You are not or ever will be a failure! What you are is human. You certainly still have all the tools that got the weight off in the first place, it is a matter of dusting them off and loving yourself again.

{hugs}

[Sue @ Laundry for Six]

I have been reading your archives for motivation and that fact that it's always something that you have to work on makes it very real for me. That is what I want to hear. Not so much that you have gained and are not feeling good, but there is always going to be real life to always deal with. Sadness, injury, times when food really needs to be a comfort and exercise must take a backseat.

But then we pick ourselves back up again...

You are already fabulous. Not a failure at all.

[veelau]

I am in the exact same boat. I have every excuse under the sun for not working out, but bottom line is - I don't feel like it. Not yet. The desire is building though, but my routine has been set. Fall and Spring I go hard and fall apart Summer and Winter. Its been like that for years now. I just know that September long weekend is my kicking off point. Until then, I just want to drink white wine and enjoy fresh (deep fried) calamari and fries. My life goal now is to keep up my established routine and never miss the Fall and Spring. And enjoy my falling off the wagon, Summer and Winter.

[Staci]

First off, I'm sorry for the physical and mental rollercoaster you are on right now. That makes everything else seem so much harder. I too have been reading your archives for motivation and you are AWESOME!! We are always going to have to work at this and you NEED to take this time for yourself. Just take one day/workout at a time and get that going. One foot in front of the other and just keep going. Get creative for ideas on how to work with your physical limitations. This is a small hurdle, you can do this! Hopefully this blog is helpful for you too. Come here for suggestions and support!! Hang in there.

[kyoot]

Look at the whole picture, even if you're 20 over you aren't 80 over. You've got muscles on you that you never had before. You've got curves where there weren't! and it's a good thing. We are made to be super skinny we are made to be healthy. You need some meat too, because the flu is coming, can't fight that in your skinny jeans! why do you think pioneer men wanted Muscly girls!

[Tracey in Calgary]

Hey Carmen,

Oh boy, can I relate....well, to the beating up of oneself, that is. I worked out so hard for the three months before summer holidays to lose weight, put on muscle and boy, I was really starting to notice it....love my body again....but then summer hit...and with it, out went the motivation and in came the excuses ;-) But we're just human gals, and with fall coming, we'll get right back to it and ONE DAY, like all habits, we WILL have this become our lifestyle, we will be active, we WILL be able to eat whatever we want (in moderation) and we WILL be happy, dammit!! LOL I know you can do this, and I know I can too :-) It's going to be ok.
p.s I am so sorry about your miscarriage, my Mom had three before she had my youngest sister Angela, it must be very heart breaking and you will be in my thoughts. xo

[Karla]

Life will always toss you unexpected happenings. I have been miserable because I was in an auto accident in May (I was hit from behind and pushed into the car in front of me) and not able to do my Martial Arts workouts or much of any physical activity. I had to stop cold turkey due to my injuries. It has been so frustrating to go through the pain of the accident and the loss of activity which I used both for physical and mental health. I was just released to participate in classes again, but with no contact, no take-downs, and moving only in a slow speed. I have been in such a dark depressing place - especially after my doctor said he didn't know if I'd be able to participate again. But I am healing - just much slower than I would like. I am encouraged to see some of my "normal" life coming back. It takes determination. Carmen, You know what it takes to get in shape, you know there are obsticles, you know how to get past them. I believe you will do what you want to do. I'm sorry about your miscarriage - it tears through your heart when you go through that. Take care Carmen.

[Kim]

Hi Carmen -

I've got a story that very much reflects your own. I can't tell you how upset I am at myself for backsliding to the tune of 25ish pounds. I feel so disheartened and sick by it. I broke a toe and fractured the top of my foot a few weeks ago to boot and I feel like I am getting fatter and softer by the day.

I wish I didn't feel so hopeless, but really, right now I do. And it scares me.

[Jrapp]

I'm right behind you. I don't have nearly as much to lose, but I'm short and every pound is a big deal. As a matter of fact I just did a little post on my blog about that very thing.

I'm sorry about your personal loss. You know how to lose the weight though and you can do it again. You are worth it.

[kyslp]

You are not a failure! I know how you feel as I have been up and down my whole life. When I get depressed about my weight, I tend to shut down and EAT. I clicked on you site tonight to try and snap myself out of it. You are always inspiring to me!

[lc]

I'm in your corner, Girl! Be gentle with yourself, as you would with a friend. Even if you have to baby step, just keep doing what a healthy person would do. Fake it till you make it!

Hugs...

[lc]

M'kay. You did this. I have only you to blame.

I made a committment TODAY, to hire a trainer at my rarely (very) used gym, ONE year...3x a week...1/2 hour sessions (I'll do the cardio plus the 1/2 hour)...and at the end of that one year, if I want to quit, I will. I say I'd like to lose 60 lbs, but really I'd be better off losing 100. I'll be 50 in October, so this is my gift to myself.

You did this. You (and your stumbling, and honesty) inspired this.

[breckgirl]

Hey Carmen - Since you already have a great base to work with (as in, you are truly healthy compared to most), you should check out Beachbody.com's new workout series called "Insanity." I just started week two and I LOVE it. It is very, very HARD. Maximum interval training... Something different from your every day and very challenging. I find that the challenge is very mental, and that is part of what I am loving about it. Maybe you will take a look. I'm not just plugging it (nobody is paying me, really!) but I just thought it sounded like you could use a "new groove" to get your mind off stuff. Also, I think you would lose your weight without really having to focus on it that much.

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope that you and your family recover well from that - I will pray for you.

[Emily C]

We all understand the depressed feeling. Every woman I know is depressed at some point in her life over her weight (too high, too low, whatever).

I for one finally got off my butt and started adding strength training to my routine last week. I'm still 20 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, and the little chub is more than 20 lbs himself.

But guess what? You know you can do it. You know you won't let your weight get out of hand. Just take a deep breath, and set a date to go pound the pavement.

[Elisa]

Oh, I hear you. I was stressing about that too. But most of the people I met weren't judgmental about my weight at all. I think :-)

[Lindsay]

For what it's worth, I saw you at BlogHer and thought you looked BETTER than you did the year before. In fact, I thought you looked great.

For what it's worth. :)

[Sylvia]

JEEZ Carmen give yourself a break! Did you go back and read the 4th paragraph? Going through those things in less than a year and you're freaking out about a little weight gain? Those kinds of things make people insane! You didn't fail and you can't blame health issues. It's not weakness when things beyond your control happen. Now if you had sat around all year eating cookies and spaghetti and didn't have to worry about bills or kids or school...well, then I'd be inclined to kick 'ya or something.

[Paul Nichols]

This is an inspirational blog for me. I have gained, too, and am trying to start over to get it back. Thanks for your honesty.

[Paul Nichols]

I think I'll read this every day till it sinks in...till I get it right.

[angie]

I feel you, Carmen! Going through a miscarriage right now, after having a baby last year, and losing a baby the year before. It is HARD starting from scratch, and even though I've been working since the winter, I have a measly 10 pounds to show for it. And my butt is also the size of S. Africa! Very demoralizing. But you are an inspiration. Keep on. We know you can do it.