The ELFF Diet

Walking Away From The Running

So I've almost completed week two of the couch to 5k program, and I don't know if I'll go further.

I wonder if there will ever come a day when I'm not battling an injury, using a foam roller, icing a sore spot or begging for a massage from my favorite masseuse? (seriously, if you are a local, ask for Doreen - she gives an AMAZING sports massage.) I ended up just walking for an hour today and doing the mountain steps for three tours, but I badly wanted to run.

The crappy piriformis injury is still progressing - it's gotten better, but I'm still in an awful lot of pain if I run for more than a minute or two at a time. Cap that with the fact that my damned calf cramps if I run for longer than two minutes, and, well, you can see why I'm pretty much stuck at two minutes, can't you?

Sigh.

Guess this is what it's like to be on the very peak of turning 40...

What's Up With You?

This week I did the following for exercise:

• Sunday I walked for 45 minutes.
• Monday - worked out with my trainer and did weight work and took capoeira
• Tuesday - nothing.  I was grumpy and irritable because what I planned didn't work with the back to school drama
• Wednesday - worked out with my trainer and did weight work.  I took a Muay Thai class and a capoeira class and pulled my piriformis muscle - in other words, I PULLED MY ASS muscle.
• Thursday I took a Muay Thai class.  And I grumbled and gimped my way through it, hobbling around and feeling like the biggest joke of all, because, really - who sprains their BUTT?

What exercise have you been doing this week?  Are you keeping on keeping on??

The Failure Edition

I feel like a failure.

I was afraid to go to Blogher this year.  Not because I was nervous to see people, or afraid to speak.

I was afraid because my weight is up. And I was afraid that people would talk, and people would criticize.

Fourteen weeks of wearing the boot, 6 weeks of physical therapy, followed by a miscarriage and then having to pick myself up and begin basically ALL OVER AGAIN - it's demotivating and demoralizing, not to mention the other D word - depressing.

I've been a success at weight loss, having lost 80 pounds, but it was really too much weight.  I have no idea how much I weigh right now - as in, too ashamed to get on the scale - but I know that last years jeans are really tight and in one case, unable to zip.  So, for the sake of kicks, let's say 20 pounds.

And I know how to get it off.  I just - don't want to. 

But I don't like my body right now, the muffin top that's reappeared, the gelatinous thighs, the bottom the size of South Africa.  I take muay thai or capoeira five days a week, but it's not enough cardio, and so I need to get back out there and pound the pavement.

I've got to.  For my own mental health, for my physical well being - because I'm not going back to where I was five years ago. I'm not.

I'm NOT.

This is me, picking myself up to try, try again. After all, what else can you do?

The Thing About Weight Loss

Is that it never really goes away.

Sure, you spend a chunk of time trying to lose weight - focusing on calories in, calories out, getting enough exercise, trying to get that number on the scale to move down - until one day, all of your hard work pays off and you get to the place that you want to be your new normal.  And what happens when you get there?  Is there a celebration, do you get to add cake and frosting and soda and chips back in to your daily food intake?

Well, kind of. Because, really, if you did a sensible weight loss effort, you may not have ever taken those foods completely out of your rotation, because as soon as you put a food off limits you crave it more. I see this with my husband all the time.  He decides he wants to lose weight and tells me to only prepare "boiled chicken breasts and salad" for him - and to keep the cookies and ice cream out of the house.  It goes well for a few days, and then he's back into the treats.  You have a better chance at succeeding if you allow the occasional treat - within reason.

But what happens if you've been successful with weight loss and exercise, and you can handle the treats, because your exercise habit helps you to keep your weight down - and then something happens to keep you from exercise? You have an injury, life tosses curve balls your way - things happen to keep you out of the gym.  What happens then?

You do the best you can do, even if it means you go back up a pants size.  You try to eat healthy, you stop obsessing over the number on the scale, and you recognize that long term weight loss is just that.  Long Term.  Which means that it's going to last your entire life, and life is going to throw you plenty of curve balls.  So you learn to duck the high ones, swerve from the lower ones, and pick yourself up if one manages to hit you.

And you keep on trying.  Because, really, what's the option?

Life Sometimes Gets In The Way

Ok, well, huh. It's been 14 days since I last posted here.  Sorry about that.  Life, in the form of injuries, has a funny way of happening. 

I'm pretty sure that a) not many people read here and b) those that do also read my main blog. But just in case you missed it, I hosed my leg.  Tore the gastrocnemius muscle with some accompanying tendon mess and frou-frou.  So my beloved martial arts classes are gone for at least another month. Walking?  Gone.  Runnng?  No way, no how.  The only exercise that I'm allowed to do right now is swimming, and um, hello, it's 19 degrees tonight.  And I don't have money to join the Y.

I'm also sad because I wanted to join the 30 day Shred group.  You all know how much I adore Jillian Michaels. 

So, now the only thing I can do is upper body work, and I really need to do that.  I'm going to Mexico next month.  With no cardio, and no martial arts, and DEFINITELY no Crossfit, how will I be able to get into that bathing suit?  The lack of exercise has been bad for my attitude - must change that.

So, daily upper body work for me.  Anything else you can think of, add it here.

When You Don't Really Want to Exercise

It was wet and cold outside today when I got off work.  I had several things to do - computer work, blogging, work on my never ending book, look in a project that I'm debating about for next year. I needed to go vote, since the line was 2+ hours this morning - a fact that I didn't realize until AFTER I'd gotten up an hour early. I decided I'd go vote, and then return home and exercise before I needed to pick up the kids.

I really, really didn't want to work out.

I've been less than pleased with my body lately - my weight is up a few pounds, which, in reality, no one notices but me - but that's become something that I focus on.  I know, I know - it's not what I'm SUPPOSED to be all about, but, I cannot lie, it's so difficult to look away from that number. I've got a capoeira demonstration in December and I'd be pegged as a liar if I didn't want to weight 5 8 pounds less than I do at this moment.

I came home and got on the treadmill for 45 minutes, doing three sets of 25 hammer curls, one set of flys, two sets of front and side laterals, and one set of behind the head tricep extensions while I walked with five pound weights.  I complained the entire time, bargaining with myself in order to get it done.  I thought about chocolate birthday cake and piles of frosting, nacho chips and big mixed drinks, pasta and cheese and garlic bread.  I did 100 crunches and 50 Mason Jar twists, thinking of Butterfinger bars and Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

I did lunges and pushups, squats and planks.  I whined like a school girl and dreamed of a nap.  It certainly wasn't pretty, and it definitely wasn't inspiring.

But at least I got it done.

Daily food intake under the fold, although I'm fairly certain no one cares, but a reader DID ask me for it.

I'm Struggling

And I don't mind sharing it.

Not being able to take my Muy Thai class or complete a work out with my trainer is really getting me down.  I can't take it due to the Melanoma - yes, I've capitalized it in my mind.  I can't do any arm work.  No push ups, no working towards pull ups, no bicep curls or tricep kickbacks.  No right cross, left hook - nothing of any of the activities that have become a HUGE part of my life in the past year.

And, ok.  I get it.  I'm not CRIPPLED, I'm not dead, I am not an amputee.  But, damnit.  I really miss working out.  And I may have eaten a bit too much in the past week, trying to drown my sorrows in things like frosting and M&M's, and I've done lots of longingly watching the classes that I'm missing. 

So that's why I've been silent here lately.  What's new with you?  How do you handle set backs?

Had a Bad Day

Did you ever have a day so rotten that you just wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over your heard, and scream into your pillow?  A day where you are annoyed with each and every person you encounter, a day when you canNOT say one thing right, and every email you send out is misinterpreted?  Your children annoy you, your husband is on your last nerve, and pity the poor salesperson who cold calls you.

I don't know what got into me today, but it wouldn't leave.  I tried to exercise - a known problem solver for me - my knee hurt too badly from weight training the day before. Every once in a while, the teardrop shaped tendon on the inside of my knee just gives me a fit, usually when I've done too heavy of a weight on the leg curl machine.  Or too much running.  Either of those is a distinct possibility.

Three times I found myself in the kitchen, rattling through the cupboards and the pantry, looking for I don't know what and what would I do with it when I found it?  The third time, I forced myself out of the kitchen, repeating over and over, "I no longer eat when I'm bored.  Or cranky.  Or depressed." 

I was all three today. So, the only thing I could do?  Push ups.  I did week 2, day 1.  And I hope tomorrow will be better.  If not, I'm fully prepared to tattoo "You no longer eat when bored/cranky/depressed" right across my forehead BACKWARDS, so I can see it in the mirror.

True Confessions, once again

Gah, could I have picked more depressing categories in that little drop down menu? 

I'd like to thank you for all of your advice with regards to my last entry.  Part of my trouble has to do with what happened last week.  I didn't share it with you, because I'm still processing it and I'm not certain how I feel.  But I'm going to give it a whirl here.  Advice and input is always welcome - assvice is not. 

I haven't been sleeping well for a long time.  I've been taking melatonin, which helps, but I don't like to take it until I can get at good nights sleep, because I'm afraid to be unable to function the next day.  So I've been working on a sleep deficit.  Part of THAT stems from the fact that I wait to write until the kids are in bed and I get all my work done, which means I don't sit down until after 9 or in some cases 10.  Which means bed has been 11 or 12, and I'm up at 5:15.  Pair that with uneven sleep patterns and you can see where the trouble started.  That's the background.

Monday I got up and went to the gym,where I did some really heavy weight work.  I had capoeira at night and got to bed around midnight. Tuesday after work I went running, but I felt punky.  I wasn't able to run the entire way, but I compensated by walking longer than I'd planned - I went six miles instead of 4.  When I got home, I was wiped out, but in a good way.  When I woke Wednesday, I was exhausted. I wasn't able to pop up and felt wiped out - my legs felt like lead.  I usually feel tired, but by the time I'm halfway through the weight work, I am awake and peppy.

Not so Wednesday.  I was barely able to complete the reps and wondered, briefly, if I was coming down with something. Mostly, I felt a disconnect.  I was slow and just out of it all day.  When I got off work, I went home and slept for 30 minutes. After I picked up the kids, I slept for another hour. When I woke up, I felt like crap and just sat on the sofa. 

Setting another goal - too much?

It's a new week. 

Last week was pretty good for me.  I was able to make all three of my capoeira classes and all three sessions with the personal trainer.  I ran twice, once in the freezing cold and rain, which was one of the best runs I've had in a long while.  I took my vitamins every day - really, if you struggle with that, put the bottle next to your toothbrush and take them at night before you go to bed.  Since I started doing that, I don't miss a night and I don't feel nauseous.  Win win. 

Last week we set exercise goals.  This week, I want us to set a healthy food goal.  Will you eat breakfast every day?  Will you avoid chips/brownies/mixed drinks/white bread?  Drink more water/less soda?  My goal will be to go meatless three days this week.  I already try to do so once a week, so I'm adding two more.

I read an interesting article this past weekend about Kaizen - making small, incremental changes, almost too small to see, but over time they add up.  That's what we are up to here - one little thing each week, added up, over the course of time, makes for some pretty substantial changes. 

Last week was exercise, this week food.  Tomorrow, the world.  One teeny tiny baby step at a time.