A Comment Can Stick With You Forever

***Comments are too heated and thus have been closed.***

I think I've made great strides in myself in the past five years.

Losing a lot of weight, getting a job, suffering a major injury, having a miscarriage, and a small nervous breakdown, seeing my blog take off, quitting that job, getting another one, losing that job and various other life circumstances will do that to a person. One thing I have tried to work on again and again is my self confidence.

That, and my alcohol tolerance. Ba-da-Boom!

All kidding aside, I've worked really hard to not let other people's opinions or comments get me down, to stop being someone who is so affected by the words of others, and to enjoy my life without worrying what others think of me. I think I've been pretty successful in this.

When I was a kid and took dance, the instructor told me that I couldn't do jazz because I was no good at it. She made the class so uncomfortable for me that for years I assumed she was right - I couldn't "popular dance". And I never tried, and was so self conscious when we went out that I avoided dancing at all costs.

So not the case now. I break it DOWN. Ahem.

As an aside, it was reported today that there are pictures circulating that show Hillary Clinton dancing! And drinking! And one of the news pundits queried said that such photos could be the end of her political career.

All I've gotta say is, thank GOD I'm not a politician. I have fun.

About five hours after Matilda struck the first time, she bit again.

My husband and I have a great relationship, but it's a bit different - I'm super duper sarcastic and he's super duper nice. He sees everyone and everything through rose colored goggles. Not just glasses, because those have boundaries. He thinks everyone, everywhere, is doing their best at all times.

I, um, do not.I am also quick to notice when someone is rude, and quick to call them on it. Usually. He just assumes everyone is joking. I'm snarky and we banter back and forth. It works for us, but I've been told that it makes people think we are arguing all of the time.

We aren't. We are two people who think that they are right.all.the.time.no.matter.what - and we debate a lot. We've been married 22 years, I'm pretty sure it's working for us. There's a lot of passion in our marriage, a lot of energy and an awful lot of laughter. I love being married to my husband. He's my best friend. Even when he's annoying.

We were getting coffee (and ice cream) with a few people from our group, and I struck up a conversation with the woman behind me in line. An older woman from Queens, NY (yes, I asked her), she was complaining to her daughter about the husband. Because I'm either a) nosy b) friendly or c) never know when I should mind my own business, I turned around to comment. I shared with her the wisdom that my husband's Aunt Rosa shared with me right after we'd been married.

Men are stupid. Just remember that.

She laughed, we chatted, and I got my coffee and went to the table, where my husband was eating an ice cream. Matilda walked up to him and said

"How can you stand to be married to her?"

This was my immediate thought process.

I cannot be rude back. I can't. My husband's trip will be completely ruined, and he gave up TWO weeks of vacation in order to make the level. If I start with her, I will never stop - and he does not deserve this.

I turned to him and said, "I'm leaving. I need to go to Walgreens (which was just down the street)."

And I walked out. Without a word.

I told myself I didn't care what she said. Did the self care in my head. You are smart. You are pretty. People like you. She's a bitch and says stupid stuff all the time. You are a great person. Slowly I talked myself down off the ledge of wanting to go Muay Thai black belt on her and by the time I'd met back with my husband, I was cool.

I know I'm not for everyone. It's cool. I'm loud and crazy. I am opinionated and loyal. I'm also friendly and helpful and will give it my best shot every time. I'm a hard worker and a good friend. I'm a great wife for my husband and an amazing employee and volunteer. I'm not perfect, but I enjoy myself.

My husband told me that he thought she was joking. You can be difficult, he countered. She probably just didn't know what to say, and you've said that same kind of thing to me before.

Yeah, he thinks Mussolini was misunderstood too. And, me saying that to my husband - I'm inside the relationship. You go out there and look HARD and bring me a spouse who hasn't said something similar at least once. She is most definitely not part of our marriage. That was rude, plain and simple. Insult someone's choice of spouse - to their face???

The great thing was that the story got around, as stories are wont to do, and I had several people come up to me and tell me nice things. One man that I've known as long as we've been in this program - 9 years - told me that one of the things he likes best about me is that I have fun. I enjoy life, I scoop it up and just live it. I have a good time, every time, all the time.

Last night we went to the school skating party, and a man came up to my husband and told him - This one, right here? - pointing to me. She knows how to have a good time. I like that about her.

Live your life. You can't get it back, can't do it over, and can't save it up for a rainy day. I WANT to be that person. The one who enjoys life. Even if it's just dishes and wash and teenagers who think you are too stupid to know how to breathe - I want to wallow in life, to roll around in it, feel it sink into my pores and become part of my marrow.

I want to chew it up, spit it out and beg for more. I want to live my life, really live it - not be a bystander, watching everyone else go by and wishing with all my heart to be in the parade.

I want to be the Grand Master of the Parade - with white high boots and a gigantic baton. Shaking and dancing with everything I've got.

Haters gonna hate, indeed.

Comments

[Tammy]

Live out loud. You go girl. :)

[Alana]

Haters gonna hate. Exactly! The sure sign of someone unhappy in their own life is that they are so willing to cut down other people.

[cp]

oh Carmen, you are WONDERFUL!

[Cheryl]

Follow your own inner beat. Ignore the Matildas of the world. She's disposable and forgetable.

[Laura]

Some people... Ya know, hubby and I went to Vegas several years ago. Now, I don't live that far from Vegas; about 5 hours. But I'd never been there. I'm from a very small city, and grew up in a REALLY small town. So as hubby and I were driving down "the Strip" in Vegas, I was like a child. I was all "ooooh!! Look!! A pyramid!! Ooooh, Look at the fountains!!!..." And so forth. Hubby laughed and said "I love traveling with you. You just know how to enjoy things." And those of us with that talent, to find the fun and coolness in stuff, have no need to stoop down to that miserable, sad, bitter woman's level. You were misunderstood by someone so low, she couldn't see you, really. Sad indeed.

[Kristen Kirk]

So sorry to hear this happened to you. Hope she got the message when you walked away. Here you are being all supportive to her and she turns on you. I'm working hard to follow a friend's advice on how to respond to rude comments: Look confused instead of hurt (so hard to do!) and say: "Why would you say that to me?" It works for her but I'm scared they'll say something like "well, because it's true" and I'll cry hard.

[Megan]

I guess I'm similar to your husband — my reaction was also that it had to have been a joke, albeit an inappropriate one, but surely nobody is THAT ballsy or rude that they'd say something like that seriously, right? I'm also the queen of sticking my foot in my mouth, though not with strangers.

It was pretty over-the-top. She's completely socially clueless, as well as just plain wrong. How could you draw any conclusions about somebody you'd only talked to for five seconds?

[Sonja Holzman]

Carmen, I have tears in my eyes reading this, real tears. I have been in your shoes SO many times. People don't get me. Why? Because I choose to be me, not some version of me that is socially acceptable all the time. I laugh loudly, I say what I think, I wear what I want. But never at someone else's expense. Put that bitch's face mentally on a punching bag and work it out, sister! The problem is SO her and not you and I know you know that! And for goodness sakes, try to avoid her for the rest of your trip!! Lots of love coming your way from me.

[Nicki]

How incredibly rude of her. Speaking as someone who runs, skips, trips, rolls over and then sashays to the beat of her own drummer, just keep on being you. I know it's hard not to take to heart what people say, but at the end of the day you know yourself best and it only matters what you think and what the people closest to you and that you love think about you.

Also I really admire your restraint in not calling her out. It is so hard not to say something back.

[lisa]

Pray for her--hard!-whenever you think of her-and you will quickly forget her rudeness. I promise. I pray for God to bless those that hurt me, and to forgive them and me. Soon I can't even remember the details of what they said.

[addy]

Live Out Loud! Haters can F**K off!!

[Hayes]

Nathan and I are sarcastic and witty and "rude." Matilda is a, well, a word I won't type because it is not nice.

Console yourself that Frank is indeed married to you, and has been for 22 years. That you have SIX amazing, talented, beautiful, loved children together, as well as Frank's other children that you love as well, and that Frank CHOSE to be married to you, and still does.

I would NOT want to be married to or friends with or even in the general vicinity of Matilda. It is ok to think things about others, but you shut up about it, at least until they are out of the room!

[SassyMarie]

I have been struggling alot over the last two months. My life. My issues.

In searching for those little moments that keep me going, I so enjoy seeing one of your posts come across my blog reader. I enjoy reading about your fun, your challenges, your life.

Please know that there are people out there, who you don't know (and because of the feeders, have no exposure to you), who like you just the way you are. Yes, I think you're pretty awesome.

Haters go away. :)

[Mariah]

I'm shocked. I really am. I've been running around the internet (and around town in my car) a lot lately for various errands and busyness, and haven't been here in several days, so I had to click on the link to your first "Matilda" post to find out the background. What the heck??? I don't think I'm sheltered. I've lived in three different countries and traveled to many more around the world and the nature of our life work as a married couple involves working with people from all walks of life, (my husband is pastor), and I have to say that with all my "people experience" I have almost never met anyone so completely rude. A comment like that can only stem from her own insecurity and jealousy. Just for the record, I love being around people like you who "live out loud," because they inspire me to live that way...something I think everyone, especially the uptight Matildas of this world, should cultivate to some degree or another because life is so much fun! Sheesh. I'm still shocked.

[Karianna]

Yeah, I hate that it takes many more compliments to wipe away a criticism. I'm much thinner-skinned than I should be, although I'm working hard to focus on the positive!

Of COURSE you are an amazing person. I could write oodles about how inspiring you are in different facets of life. Matilda is definitely one of those folks that knows how to cut where it hurts, but you know it just shows her own insecurities that she has a knife at the ready.

[WebSavvyMom]

-->I'm told I talk too much. That's mostly true but I do ask a lot of questions and really listen to the answers. It's why I retain small details about everyone I've ever met for Years.

(It's kind of on the freaky side.)

[Brandy]

You GO, Carmen! Do your thing! I wish I were more like you. I have always been conscious of how I appear to others, but the older I get the less I seem to care about making everyone else happy and am working on making me happy. At least part of the time. :)

[Nelson's Mama]

I LOVE Jon Acuff and I thought this post was so timely...

http://www.jonacuff.com/blog/2-questions-that-make-99-of-all-haters-invisible/

I'd do well to take this to heart as well.

Your last two posts have hit home for me too. Too long for me to explain here, but I've had a male Matilda in my life the last week or so and it's someone that I really care about and need to interact with on a social and business basis.

[beth]

Wow. She really is just WRETCHED, isn't she?

[Ouida Gabriel]

I hope Matilda is reading this and realizes that you could have laid her out flat. Of course that makes you the better person in this situation.

Who cares what others think? If you are doing right by God then all else does not matter.

I don't think I would have been able to not retaliate though. I am teaching myself the art of not addressing issues if I don't need to. Your did the right thing this time. However if it happens again then I say let loose on her and consequences be damned.

Sometimes people have to be put in their place.

Ouida Gabriel

[liz]

You know what Matilda is? She's a troll.

[Holly]

But....men are NOT stupid. That was rude too, wasn't it?

[Kira]

Oh dear, Holly. Is it polite to correct people who did not ask for your input? Because THAT seems rude to me. Silly me.

[Beth a.]

Oooh....is Holly really "matilda"?

[Holly]

I am really not talking to either of you, I am simply asking Carmen if her remark about "stupid men" was any more called for than Matilda's comment? As a wife of one man, and the mom of 8 boys, I simply do not like that comment. While Matilda may have been wrong for complaining about her husband loudly in public, that's the reason she asked Carmen's husband how he could live with her.... knowing she thought HE was stupid, simply by being a man. They were both rude.