We Are All Special Snowflakes

I'm home from Blogher 2012. It was - awesome and amazing and inspiring and above all

EXHAUSTING.

I got to NYC Wednesday. It was a hassle free day of travel, I got to the hotel, checked in and walked around the city for a while. I LOVE New York City. I found my favorite deli, grabbed lunch and went back to the room to unpack and rest. I had a meeting with the Blogher people to talk about the panel I was set to lead on Thursday - I was a speaker on the topic Technology Rocks Your Running Socks Off - and I plan to write a post about the panel later this week.

Here we are in all our glory.

Yes. I have my eyes closed. I was maybe thinking of something brilliant. Let's go with that.

The next two days, I was the room host for the Geek Bar. Geek Bar, for those who don't understand it, is similar to Apple's Geek Bar. Small sessions - like, really small, run by appointment, set up to help you understand or fix specific niches in your blogging. 

Key word there is SMALL.

And this is what the crux of this post will cover.

The Geek Bar is very targeted. It's very niche, and so it's run differently than the rest of the conference. Any other panel you attend, you figure out where it is and just, you know, GO. You probably try to get there early because the rooms fill up and sometimes, they have to close because they are over fire code - so get there early. Geek bar has 8 slots. EIGHT. Maybe ten if the presenter feels that she can handle more, and one presenter told me to bring as many as I wanted - but the majority capped at eight.

6 panelists per session. Each 30 minute session presented twice per session slot - so six TOTAL sessions on Friday and 6 on Saturday. With 8 slots. The Geek Bar is a sign up offering. It went out in email to attendees. It was promoted on the website. You had 5 slots offered for advance sign ups, and we kept three back for walk ups. 

But it was definitely promoted. I know, because I saw it - and I signed up for two of the Writing Labs - which are the writing cousin to the Geek Bar offering. So it was there. And this isn't the first time it's been this way. As far as I can remember, it's been this way.

Many, many people wanted to attend the Geek Bar sessions. We could have offered a dozen more on at least three of the topics and still turned people away.

I was the room host. I was in charge.

And I rapidly lost count of the number of women who screamed at me, who yelled ugly things, told me that I *ruined* their conference because I wouldn't let them into a session for which there was no opening, who told me that they'd *get* me, didn't I *know* WHO they were, and on and on.

One woman threatened me with physical abuse.

One woman told me she'd paid EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS to come to this conference and this was the only session she wanted to attend - and I'd RUINED her conference experience by not letting her in. One woman told me that she works 40 hours a week and doesn't have time to read emails sent to her by Blogher. Two asked for my cards in order to *turn me in*.

Over and over and over - I saw a sense of entitlement. An I'm super special, so much more special than anyone else attitude. A lack of thought for anyone else, a desire to be the only person who matters.

I get it. I do. I'm a special person. You are a special person. We are all special people, with quirks and foibles that make us unique and different.

But your special snowflakeness is not any more special than my special snowflakeness.

Yes. You paid a lot of money to come to the conference. So did I. So did each and every person in attendance. Yes. You gave up time with your family and your kids. I did as well. In fact, I gave up my entire conference to help run the Geek bar - I was scheduled to only host it on Friday, but by the third session we'd figured out how to streamline it - and I knew that if someone else came in to head it up on Saturday, it'd be a hot mess all over again - so I SKIPPED my sessions AND my writing labs - I snuck into about 15 minutes of the very last one and last minute facilitated a panel early Saturday - but, other than that, my conference experience was standing in a hall for 2 days being yelled at.

In fact, I missed much of the evening parties - because I was so wiped out that I went back to the hotel and went straight to bed. I can honestly say that I didn't see many people - unless you came to the Geek bar. THEN I saw you.

I worked really, really hard to try to get everyone in - and yes, it wasn't possible and yes, the first two sessions didn't run smoothly and I'm very so sorry that you didn't know you needed to sign up ahead of time and I tried, as best I could to not lose my cool and tried to understand that it just wasn't optimal for a bunch of people.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I have some great ideas for next year that I plan to share to make it run much more smoothly. I now know what needs to happen and what is not important. I'm excited to share that info and want to help make the Geek Bar AWESOME.

At the conference, I overheard women harrassing hotel staff and event staff for having the AUDACITY to check badges. I saw women yell at hotel staff for food that wasn't to their liking, for running out of preferred beverage of choice, for closing rooms that were a fire hazard, for trying to keep order from chaos.

We had horrific travel delays on Sunday. The entire US did. Over and over, I watched as people tore into gate attendees, screamed and yelled and bullied their way through a quagmire of mess - and sometimes, that kind of behavior is necessary.

It's a topic for later this week.

But.This is today's message.

You are a special person whose specialness is no more important than my specialness. And my specialness doesn't overshadow yours.

And yours doesn't overshadow anyone elses.

Comments

[Stephanie ODea]

wow! I'm such a special snowflake I must have been in my own snowglobe because I saw/heard none of this! Yikes.
I love your idea of having more of the small, intimate group settings, and with appointments. You are right that they are clearly written about beforehand, and my head hurts by people not wanting to read emails and instructions beforehand.

BlogHer did good by choosing you to be the gatekeeper. Adam and I were so happy to run into you as often as we did. And now Adam wants to find a way to visit more and see Frank again. :-)

oxox steph

[Tammy]

Sadly, I'm seeing this kind of behavior more and more in women and it bugs me. I had a friend I hated to eat out with because she was always so rude to the staff, sent her food back every time and on and on. I'm sorry this was your experience at Blogher. I know how much you love Blogher. It seems this sense of entitlement we typically describe this generation's teens describes more than just that generation. It seems to describe much of our society. We've become a "me" society and it's disturbing. It's very refreshing to find women who aren't like that and I know they still exist. I hope your next venture finds more of the nice ladies. Sounds like you need them. :)

[burghbaby]

I managed to avoid seeing any of the The Snowflake Syndrome most of BlogHer this year, but only because I very actively made it a point to avoid it. Near the very beginning of the conference I witnessed an incident that reminded me to do so, and I did a FANTASTIC job because of that incident.

(At a party there was a table of food set up to be approached from only one side. The "back" of the table was a few feet from the wall, though, so someone decided to start a line on that side. One fabulous woman tripped over VERY large equipment that was very obviously there and her free brownie went tumbling to the floor along with her. She wasn't injured, except perhaps her ego. She proved that ego to be HUGE by spending (no joke) TEN minutes complaining to hotel staff about how that piece of equipment shouldn't have been there. I'm pretty sure she was waiting for them to comp her entire weekend, even though it was her own fault for treading into parts of the room that were not intended for conference attendees. Thanks, Wanna Be Millionaire Tripper for reminding me to avoid the snowflakes!)

[Selfish Mom]

I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that. While I can't believe someone would threaten to punch you in the face over something like this (per facebook)...I can. It's just disgusting. I don't think this makes it any better, but those people exist in every group, every conference, every profession, every segment of society. So at least we're...equal? Ugh.

FWIW, I barely paid attention to the emails and BH website leading up to the conference, and even I knew about the sign-ups for the Geek Bar (I signed up for a session before realizing I only had an Expo pass, and cancelled it). So while there are always things that could be highlighted better, the info was there for anyone doing a minimal amount of looking.

[Mrs. Jen B]

That is so, so unfortunate. I've heard many such stories, coming out of BlogHer and other conferences, and I just don't get it. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Granted, I used to work in the hotel/restaurant industry and know all too well how people act when they're out of their natural element. Somehow, there are folks who truly believe that when they're on vacation or at a conference, everyday rules do not apply. But this, what you wrote about? Is inexcusable. I'm really sorry you had to put up with that!

[Amanda]

I had someone literally look at me with disdain when I responded that no I wasn't going to any private parties. "Oh, wel I'm bla blah blah." I waited, smiled and said, "You know, for me this conference is really about focusing on my writing and establishing connections." I think it's inevitable to bump into people at a conference this large that you don't see eye to eye with, but to not understand, as Katie Couric put so eloquently, that when a person in front of you is doing their best and maybe not doing it perfectly, you should be able to find compassion. I helped Hilton staff push carts, and I reached out and touched women's elbows to whisper quickly, "Your session was fantastic."

If you can't make it into a one, boom, talk to an attendee after the fact or seek out a panelist. Life and conferences are what you make of them.

So sorry you got hassled.

[jani lebaron]

I've never been to BlogHer, but only heard positives. My mom always told me, "What someone thinks of me is none of my business" and "to have friends, one must be friendly". How sad that you'd be put through that ordeal. Good for you for posting about it! Take a jar that reads, "chill pills" next time and offer them one!

[Megan]

OK, first off, if you paid $800 just to attend a session that's capped at eight people, with no guarantee of getting in, you're an idiot. That's like spending $800 on lottery tickets and then yelling at the lottery system because you didn't win.

I'm very sorry to hear these people were so upset about not getting into a blogging session (such a first-world problem) they felt it was appropriate to abuse you, who didn't make the rules anyway. I work in a hospital and every week talk to people whose lives have been devastated by circumstances beyond their control, and they manage to treat people with more respect than what you're describing. I would love to read these women's blogs. I wonder how loudly their sense of entitlement comes through in their writing.

[Christina]

Ugh, sorry you had to deal with people like that. I didn't see too much of it this weekend, although I do see this behavior more and more in everyday life. Even children are starting to act like this - wonder where they learned it?

I was signed up for writing bar sessions and gave them up as soon as I found they'd conflict with fashion show rehearsals. I wanted others to have the chance to take my spot.

Entitlement drives me nuts. There are moments when people are in the right, but too often someone is trying to argue that they deserve special treatment without any valid reasons behind it.

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

I have seen this so many times especially when I worked retail, sorry you had to be exposed to that experience.

[Brandy]

I see proof of this everywhere these days. Our society has become a "me, me, me" society and it makes my head and heart hurt.
I'm so sorry you were subjected to all that, though it does sound as if you did a great job and have good ideas for next time.

[maggie]

I've always secretly wanted to go to Blogher even though I don't blog. It just seems like a lot of fun and you get to meet people you feel like you know through their writing. I'm sorry some of these people forgot to have fun!

[Miss Lori]

Your piece is written with such grace. Thank you for your service to the community. I am sorry you were treated with such fire. No one should try to melt your snowflake like that. I wish you a cool healing breeze.

SMILE!

Miss Lori

[MissVersatile]

It was my first BlogHer. I unfortunately wasn't that impressed because I encountered far too much "I'm more special then you" attitudes. Plus not being a "Mommy Blogger" didn't make my site very appealing to the brands. I missed out on 99% of the branded events and spent more time wandering around like a lost puppy between sessions.

I even got someone who told me they didn't have time to meetup because they had only scheduled meetings with brands and top bloggers in their field. If I wanted to see them I could pre-pay for a consultation. (I just wanted to say hi irl and maybe grab coffee).

Another blogger replied when I saw her and said "nice to meet you, I follow you on Twitter" ...she said "Of course you do, everyone does" to which i took out my phone found her account and replied "well I don't anymore" and walked away.

I did get just enough out of BlogHer conference to give it another chance next year in Chicago. I hoping that because the hotel where it's being held is so far from downtown area that there will be less "private" off conference events and also by then brands won't be so "Mommy Blogger" focused in their time at BlogHer.

[KG]

It's the yellow snowflakes that you have to look out for... they're always messing it up for the rest of us!

[Laurie]

Exactly why I don't go anymore. That sense of entitlement ruined it for me several years ago.

[LisaK]

Geez Carmen, I'm so sorry to hear about this...what is up with people these days????

[Vicky]

Carmen, I love your "special snowflakeness" comment! I promise to give you credit whenever I say it to someone!

[lisa]

so so sorry!

[Mari]

People do just drive me crazy sometimes. Sorry you experienced so much rudeness. Wonder what happened to "you catch more flies with honey"?

[likeablegirl]

So sorry you were mistreated. So glad you handled it & wrote about it with grace. I've never been to Blogher. I'm sure it's because I keep my head in the sand, but I really have no idea what it's about or why people go. People write about it like it's Mecca, which I don't understand, though it does make me curious. But when I read things like this it makes me ask - why would I want to go? I can find petty near home for free. *sigh* I bet those ladies didn't write anything about how they really acted on their write-ups.

Every time I experience that sense of entitlement from someone, it makes me want to say "When you find the person to complain to, about me, be sure to tell them to dock my pay too, would you? Perhaps you could consider that the people around you are volunteers doing their best, not staff paid to take your abuse. We aren't the enemy. We'd like you to have a good time and enjoy the conference, but we do have to play by the rules that apply to everyone. If you feel it can be done better, you're welcome to volunteer too. In the meantime, here's a comment card."

[Liz]

This is crazy. What the hell is going on? I am so very sorry you had to deal with this horrendous behavior! I really do feel that BlogHer should split into several different conferences: one for newbies, one for more experienced bloggers and one for teaching basics of what it takes to act like a human being, for frig's sake. Unbelievable.

[frelle]

Im so sorry things were so ugly at the Geek Bar. Im glad we got to spend a little time together there, though. I saw very little of the ugly this time, but it's certainly there... and thank you for talking about it. People need to GTF over themselves. Really.

"I'm really big on the internet, so you'd better do what I say or I'll "get you" my pretty, you and your little DOG, too"

Ridiculous much?

[Anne (@notasupermom)]

I just want to give you a hug.
You did a great job and I'm very grateful for your time and effort.

[Jenn @ Mommy Needs Coffee]

I am horrified by the way you were treated. I was horrified by what I saw. I'm sorry you were treated in such an awful way. I am SO with Liz. It's time for BlogHer conference organizers to wake the hell up and see that a serious change needs to be made. They need to split this conference into two levels. I guarantee they will see a HUGE difference in how things go down if they do. If things don't change, I am heartbroken to say I just attended my last BlogHer and you KNOW I have been a super strong supporter of the conference since the first one in '05. It's just not okay to allow this. Not okay at all.