Hello, Guilt, My Old Friend

It seems to me that I live with feelings of guilt my entire day.

I could work harder. I could be a better parent, a better spouse, certainly a better friend. I spend a lot of time thinking how I could be "better", be "more", be "on". I could be more creative, more "Martha Stewart" and less, I don't know - Peg Bundy. I spend vast quantities of time thinking about how I've screwed up in this situation or that, how I could have parented better in one circumstance or another -

and some days, I can avoid it. I can look people in the eye and say, "I'm doing my best. I've got a bigger load than you ever will, so get off my back and let me be." (I'd really love for some of those really judgemental people in my life to just, you know, be me for a day or two. I'm thinking that they'd shut their mouths pretty damned quickly.)

And sometimes, I just can't avoid it. It's not that my life is traditionally hard - I've got electricity and running water, heat and food and a JOB and my health and that of my kids and parents. In fact, when I reflect on those things - I feel really petty and stupid to vent at all.

It's just that my days are packed to the brim with responsibility and stress. Moving from one fire to another. That can be wearing on a body.

And it's Christmas break when I have a full time job and am the sole parent at home 99% of the time with some pretty high needs shorties, and I'd even vote myself off the island most days.

Yesterday was just such a day.

There will be no names here, for a) it doesn't need to be googalable and b) it doesn't matter, for the situation transcends time and individuality and could be molded and morphed to fit each of my kids - and, I'd venture to say, if I'm being totally honest - each and every one of you.

Working from home presents unique challenges. It can be difficult to transition from work to "Mom! Come look at this!" and back to work, only to get up and break up a fight, admire a creation, find a snack, change over the laundry, go back to work, listen to a drama, give advice, answer an email, answer a phone call, find a missing shoe, dream up a game, play a hand or two of Old Maid, and fill out a spreadsheet. Most days, I can juggle it.

Yesterday was just a failure.

Do not misunderstand what I am sharing here - I love work. I love my job. I love everything about it. I love my family. Love my kids. Love (almost) everything about them - could do without the smart mouths, but, hey.

At about 5, I decided that I needed to get out of the house. Needed to go pay a few bills, return some things, pick up another that was on sale, and get some espresso powder for a recipe. I thought that I'd take some of the shorties with me - maybe they'd want to get out of the house too. I offered, and most of them said no.

One said yes. And, I returned with a no.

Ouch. How could you, Carmen?

Because after I'd offered, I thought to myself how good it would be to be alone for a few minutes. I haven't been alone, except in the shower (well, even then, people are knocking on the door) since December 18. Even at night, I've had one kid with me or another, because we've had a slate of asthma flares and bad dreams and every night, I'm up for something. I've taken people to eye doctors and dentists before the year ends and the benefits reset, driven kids to friends houses and to boyfriend meet ups, entertained and purchased. The thought of getting in the car alone, being able to listen to music and just have no one pulling on me, no one talk talk talking, no one arguing or needing me, to think without interruption and to just, you know, be -

it was irresistable.

Said child walked out of the room and I continued to get ready to go.

Said child came back into the room, tears flooding the face, and said in a small, broken and entirely pitiful voice, "I just thought we could spend some time together. All you do is work, and I thought you might want to spend some time alone with me. No one wants to be with me!" and broke into hysterics. (Said child had struggled all day with no one wanting to play - friends weren't home, siblings weren't interested, and said child is overly dramatic, but still - oof.)

And so, I took said child with me, to do some of the most mundane errands, and said child talked and talked and talked and there was absolutely no ability to listen to music and no time to gather my thoughts. At one point, I asked said child to just let me think for a minute, and felt even more guilty for THAT - but said child talks without a need to obtain oxygen.

And I felt guilty for even that.

I wonder - when will the guilt stop?

I explained to said child that yes, Mommy works - and I need to work. Both for the very necessary income it provides, which helps us do things like EAT and SHOP and have Christmas and pay for school and medications - and also because I NEED TO WORK. I need to feel like I'm a productive member of the family. Need to be able to take my husband out for dinner one night and pick up the check. Need to be able to buy new eyeglasses for people and prom dresses and walking, barking, battery operated puppies that make me want to scream, to donate to a friend in need, to buy new soap and new shoes and have a bit of money in my pocket so I don't feel like a moocher. And I explained that I have a set amount of hours of work to do, and when I'm constantly interrupted, those tasks don't go away and that work still needs to be done and I still have responsibilities. That usually, I accomplish that work when they are all at school and doing homework, but they are home now and so it seems that all I do is work. That I've skipped exercise for an entire month because my work, both online and house maintenance/cooking/bills/laundry/grocery/kid duties have taken so much longer with 6 other people around all the time, Christmas and parties and birthdays and concerts and performances and conferences and doctor appointments.

And I don't know if said child understood it.

Hell, I don't know if I understood it.

I have to try, concurrently, to figure out how to do it all. Without losing me. Or trying to be someone else.

Because, I think, when I'm trying to be "more" - I'm trying to be someone else. Like it or not - I'm stuck with me.

So how to be a "me" that's fair to all? That is the question.

Comments

[Meredith R]

Hey, I think guilt comes with the title mother. You do have a lot on your plate and really, there is nothing wrong with telling any of your kids what it is like to be an adult. What it is like to have adult responsibilities. They may not get it right away, but it's one of the many ways to prepare them for growing up. It may help them gain some ability to see things from another persons point of view. I learned this from my parents.

I also don't think we should feel guilty for wanting a moment for ourselves. How can we take care of others if we don't take time to make sure we are sane and healthy?

[Heather Bensel]

I don't mean to be argumentative, but I doubt you could work harder. You seem to be on 100% of the time. I think you summed up the frustration of being a working from home parent nicely. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves especially around the holidays. Cut yourself some slack. You make meals (and snack food...that's even bigger) from SCRATCH! Can't be more Martha than that. Being a disciple of Martha, myself, I don't think she wants us to be her. She just provides knowledge to do things differently (and in many cases better than what the standard slipped to). Sliding off topic: I think when people compare others to Martha Stewart it's in a derogatory fashion, because those people feel inadequate. You are more than adequate....you are super-amazing and with that a bit of drama may be included :) l. I strive to be Perdita Shrinks, George Shrinks' mother.

[Tara]

Those comments the kids come up with, "you always . . ." or "you never . . . ", they cut like a knife. I've had them thrown in my face more than a couple of times. But you know what? Remember that no one ever died because they had to wait an extra fifteen minutes for your attention (unless its a bleeding/breathing issue, in which case, yeah, you need to deal with that lol). When you get pulled in a million different directions, everything suffers - the kids, the husband, the work, the house. So you know what this means, right? Something has got to give. Tell the kids to pack up and leave. LOL just kidding. :-)

[Shannon Entin]

This brought tears to my eyes because it's exactly how I've been feeling (and I only have TWO kids). It's SO HARD to be productive when you work from home and I long for an office - or even two hours of quiet - on a daily basis. I think it's impossible to work at home without guilt. Guilt is part of the gig, that's why we need our friends to tell us how amazing we are. And you? You are amazing with all you do.

[Elizabeth K]

Dearest Carmen - I wish you a most joyous new year!! (is that to be caps?)

I have struggled with these same things - as I think all parents (especially moms) do. I have found counseling has helped me SO much - for me...I can not change anyone else. AND a good spiritual director, time in adoration and confession (hey, I am Catholic - and finally understanding the importance and meaning of all that is available to and for us.) -- Oh, and a long walk with the rosary.

It's a daily putting on (for me) a mind-set that at times does not feel real...as I have been a bit (big!!) of a mess for a long while. We should have some sort of support for one another. I will say a decade for you - and the other four for me - today - hee. :) (see how I fall short? - I don't even pray the full 15/20 decades!)

Hugs!

[Kati]

I have the same issue with my husband. I'm a high school teacher, so I have kids talking, talking, talking to me all day (7 am - 3 or 5 pm, because I tutor too), then I come home to my own kids needing, needing, needing while I'm trying to grade 180 papers, then hubby comes home wanting to be near me when i just want to be alone and silent for just 30 minutes.

Over break, I've been trying to get up before everyone else to do chores as an excuse to just have my own space. Hubby gets up *every time* to do the chores with me. He also chooses to do things in the same room as me shoe can be near me. Then he is hurt when I start to cry out of frustration.

He seriously doesn't get that I have a job and home life that is dictated largely by the clock and the needs of others. His job includes a door and the ability to tell underlings to hold his calls while he decompresses, the ability to leave his building for a lunch that takes longer than 10 minutes, and work that will wait on him while he does something else. I feel both selfish and beset-upon, and see no way to explain my need for solitude to someone who wants to fill every waking moment with together-time.

In other words, I totally get it.

[keira]

i read this with tears streaming down my face because i struggle with this daily and i only have 2 little girls. my marriage is in shambles because 8 years ago i lost my own identity and now i'm only mom and only wife and the main source of income in my household and still also the one who does the majority of the grocery shopping, meal planning, meal prep, cleaning, organizing and generally getting everything that needs doing done...and i struggle with the selfishness of resenting that. i've grown to live in a place where i hate my life. don't get me wrong, i love my children and thank God for them everyday. i just wish i had found, could find, a balance between mom, wife, work and me. something had to go and sadly, it was me. i miss her.

[Nicki]

I have yet to meet a mother (yes, there are some fathers out there who struggle with guilt, but overwhelmingly it seems to be the mothers), who hasn't had this arise in their life and struggled. I get it. When I worked from home full-time I felt like I was failing on all fronts and was just positive I would be fired, either by my family or my employer. Heck, I am not working currently and I still feel like I will be fired at any moment. :) However, the time has come for me to find income again, and of my two that are home I have one who is, uh, high needs and the other who is also high needs in his own way and also does not need to breathe in order to talk. So I expect the guilt to come raring back, is what I am saying. Be kind to yourself, please. You are doing a great job even on the difficult days.

[Elizabeth K]

OH - and can I ever relate to this (as the comments attest - so do many!)... :)
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

[Donna]

Oh, Carmen. Guilt is a useless emotion. You are a superwoman in my book.

[Sandy]

Book yourself a massage. Seriously. You deserve it!!!

[Soni]

What could I say that hasn't already been said . . . One of the reasons I read your blog is because I love your honesty. You are an inspiration, no matter what. I have two teenagers and an unemployed husband at home, I don't work and I have even been whining about needing me time!! The fact that you felt any twinge of guilt at all cements the fact that you are doing an excellent job being present for your family.

[Liz]

I have so many things to say, but don't want to start a war in the comments.

I don't think you need to justify why you work to your children. They are children and not involved in the decision about it. They need to accept and respect that you work.

Are your older children helping with taking care of the younger ones? That may be one solution when you have to work while they are out of school.
Good luck!

[Kyooty/Mary]

Sweetie you sound like you are definitely overworked. Is there "vacation time?" in this job? I know there is no vacation time when it comes to the house work and the home making but I'm talking about your paid work? You need to have that "time". You also need to have more help from your peeps. You can't do it all, and don't try please for your own health don't try to do it all.

[addy]

I feel Carmen - I really do. Shorties need to do more for themselves sometimes. And surprisingly they can really step up given the opportunity. Force your "me time" onto them - for your own health and sanity. Remember we all feel this at some time or another. We struggle to find our own solutions.