Mom to the Screaming Masses

Row Your Boat

I have said before that I enjoy rowing at the gym. It's really become something that I've gotten into, and I've worked up to an hour. I've added distance and difficulty as I go, and I am currently rowing about 10,000 meters in that hour time span, on a level 10. 

I don't show you this for applause, or for back pats, or such - but to encourage you to find your "thing". Find what you like to do, and do it. 

The suicides this week of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain hit me hard, as they did most people. They proved that mental health issues can reach any of us, with any amount of money, any amount of celebrity, and any walk of life. 

Exercise is not an end all be all - it will not fix the broken parts of anyone - but it does help. From a study by the Mayo Clinic: 

• Releasing feel-good endorphins, natural cannabis-like brain chemicals (endogenous cannabinoids) and other natural brain chemicals that can enhance your sense of well-being
• Taking your mind off worries so you can get away from the cycle of negative thoughts that feed depression and anxiety

For some of us, the thought of an hour is, quite frankly, silly. I know that when I first began, and my husband said, "Get out there and get started!" I looked at him like he had three horns coming out of the top of his head and they were twirling those sparkly fans that the kids love, and shooting bubbles at the same time. I just could not fathom the idea of doing that much exercise. I started slow. But now, I look forward to my time on the rowing machine. It's the best part of my day, most days. 

I'm even thinking about joining a crew team. Want to hear something funny, though?

I am not known for my love of the water. Wait, that's wrong. I LOVE the water - I love to be near the water, to go to the ocean, to smell the salt air, to hang out at the beach, to watch the water, to be at peace. What I don't like is to actually go IN the water, when I can't see through it - especially if you show me some big fish or crabs or things you've just caught there. 

Nope. Not a fan. 

So I told my kids that I was planning to join a crew team and I have this one kid

there's always one kid, isn't there

this one kid, who said to me,

"Um, Mom, you know that crew is done on the water, right? You will have to get in the water, and you might fall out of the boat back into the water."

YES. I'm not that dumb. 

Making Time for Clarity of Mind

So, about that

there are several things I do now, differently, in what I refer to as this new time of my life

which sounds more dramatic than it probably is but maybe it isn't because when you think, seriously, about ending your life and make the plan to do it

and actually almost completely go through with it and only one tiny, small thing stops you

and then you completely overhaul, well, hell, everything 

well, then, I guess you might could say it is indeed a new time of your life. 

One of the things that my therapist did was refer me to a general practice doctor - if I already told you this, forgive me. It all runs together in my brain lately. The general practice doctor was very, very good and not only did she concur that I needed some additional help with the therapy, and medication, but my Vitamin D levels were critically low, and my iron level - which had been at about a 7 - was currently about an 11, and so we worked hard to get it up because anemia can do stoopid stuff to your mind. She also found that I potentially have two other things of magnitude (currently working them out, it's all a work in progress)

but she instructed me that I needed to add daily exercise 

not so much for the weight loss benefits

(although, hell, I know I need those, because I have gained back a metric shit ton of the weight I so carefully took off 10 years ago and foolishly bragged that I would never, ever, ever gain - ahahahahahah, the world LOVES a braggart)

but for the mental health benefits. 

She told me that the exercise would help my mind. 

Yeah. I made that face at her too. You know the one. The one you just made at me. 

But I agreed to try it, even though I HATE the gym. I mean, I really hate the gym, which is funny, because I used to spend hours every day at the gym. I mean, I got my Black Belt, for crap's sake. I love boxing! I love Zumba! I just - don't love the gym. I don't enjoy running. I hate biking. Despise swimming. The weights? Blergh. 

So the thought of the gym left me cold. But I knew I needed to do something. So I started making myself go to the local rec center - which cost me about $100 for a one year membership, which was cheaper than anything else around. 

All of those college tours, man, they have killed my budget DEAD. 

There is a walking track, and although it's not fun, it is tolerable. So I've been doing that, while listening to my meditations from my therapist, first thing in the morning, right after I drop my kid off at school. The walking track at that time is full of older people, and I know some of them from my church. After I do the walking track, sometimes I go down to the pool, where they have a walking track and you can walk against the current. If I'm in there before 8:30, it's all old ladies. I'm usually the youngest by about 30 years (!), and they are fun to talk with, and they all make a big deal over me.

And I realized something. 

If I stay out of the weight room - which is full of muscle guys and younger women who are slim and buff and all people falling all over trying to impress each other - I actually like going to the gym. 

And then? I remember something else I liked doing. 

Rowing. 

It wasn't much, and this was only my second day, but 20 minutes to start felt really good. I felt strong. I felt competitive. I felt clean. 

And more importantly, it felt like something I wanted to go back and do again and again. That is the important part for me, to find something that I want to do - not something that I have to do, or feel obligated to do, but something I enjoy doing. 

I'm a social person, but I'm also a solitary person. So the combo of listening to the meditations and walking, and rowing by myself and then walking in the water and talking with the older ladies, seems to be a good one for me. For this week, anyway. 

Next week it might be something else. And that's ok. I need to be good to me, to keep myself in a good place. 

What are you doing for you, to keep yourself in a good place?

So, Self Loathing and Body Awareness for $200

So, Fitbloggin. A conference about fitness, and blogging, and you do NOT have to be in fantastic shape to be at the conference. In fact, that's one thing that super surprised me - how many of the people were just exactly like my friends and family, like people I see on the street and at the store. I had gone to the conference feeling a little heavy, a little irritable with myself, a bit embarrassed because I really haven't kept all of the weight off that I lost almost 6 years ago. The shorts that I wanted to take were a bit too snug. The skirt I wanted to walk in was a bit too short.

I drove up to Baltimore feeling like I was somewhat of a failure.

And then I went to the conference, and saw people of all shapes and sizes comfortable with their bodies and feeling good about themselves. And many of those people weren't the super models that I expected - and they were WAY better than any super models could ever be.I saw people cheering each other on at workouts, happy when their partner - who they may have never met before this - maybe couldn't do a regular push up and moved to wall push ups. And the happy faces and the support were AWESOME.

And this happened.

FitBloggin 2012 - Zumba Class from Carrie Dallhoff on Vimeo.

 Zumba. My very favorite form of exercise, the one that makes me feel strong and sexy and confident and is just so, so much fun that it should be - if not illegal - then heavily sanctioned. You can't see me on this video, but I'm there, in the back on the right - late because I was working the registration desk until the very last minute. This class looks an awful lot like the one I try to take three days a week.

And then I read this post by Fadra. And I am not ashamed to say that I teared up, just a bit.

Because I'm so often there. I put on my workout clothes, and pinch my muffin top really really hard. I catch a glimpse of my legs in the mirror at my crossfit workout and grimace - then I turn away from the mirror. I try, every day, to tell myself that I'm strong and confident, sexy and healthy - and so what if I have cellulite and spider veins and one really, really gross varicose vein behind my knee?

And some days it works. And some days

it doesn't.

I work out with heavy equipment, do sit ups and push ups and squats and so much with the burpees, oh, man do I hate the burpees

and most days, it's enough.

Some days, though. Some days, it's not enough. And I have to figure out how to still that voice inside, the one that says

you AREN'T good enough and you AREN'T strong enough and so DEFINITELY not thin enough

and embrace what I see in Zumba class. Which is that yes, I am.  

Tell me - does that voice speak to you? And, if so, how do you quell it?

Breaking Out of the Comfort Zone

Today I ran in the Color Me Rad Race. It was, quite possibly, one of the most fun things I've ever done.

You begin the race in a pure white t shirt. You line up with 7000 of your closest friends, and your 9:10 start time gets pushed back to 9:55. It starts to spit, and then sprinkle, and then rains a bit heavier for a few minutes.

Requisite arms length shot. Please to note the crisp, clean shirt and the pulled back hairs.

You pose for goofy pictures with your son - who celebrated his 20th birthday by getting color tossed at him

You take off, and go through the first color station about 1/2 mile in.

This picture in no way does justice to the enormity of the powdered paint being tossed at you.

And you keep going. You run, probably more than you shoud because your leg aches miserably, but you are having fun.

And then you arrrive at the next paint station, which is the liquid paint. The liquid paint station that you didn't know anything about. The liquid paint station where dozens of volunteers stand with spray hoses and back pack tanks and they coat you with black and purple paint. In spray form.

It got up my nose. It ran down my face. And, the more I ran and the more I perspired - the more it ran.

And you go through two or three more stations, some powdered and some liquid - and you end up like this:

But wait! Every few minutes, they did an additional paint drop on the crowd at the finish line.

Blurry because there was powder EVERYWHERE. Also, I maybe need to learn how to make different faces for the camera.

And when we'd finished there, my zumba group did a FLASH MOB. I have no pictures of that, unfortunately. Which was awesome and intimidating and something I never ever thought I'd do. 

Almost all of my photos are thanks to the amazing wonderfulness of my friend Kary, who braved the cold and the rain and the hours of traffic to come and hold my hand and take pictures.

All in all, it was a very fun way to spend a Sunday.

 

 

Sports Bra Education

So, as we last talked the sports bra talk, I had located a bra that fit well and that I liked. I wasn't able to purchase it at the store at which I'd been fitted - a speciality bra store that was familiar to me, as I've been a customers of them for a number of years. I've never been directed incorrectly there - on the contrary, I've been very very happy with the merchandise I've bought there.

As a refresher course, I've worn the Enell for a number of years. It's not that I was unhappy with it per se, but it brings a whole new meaning to the terms " full coverage". It s almost a vest, and I'm not overly modest - but I felt like it was just too much. Not only that, it didn't really breathe all that well, and so at the end of a high intensity workout - it was bad new Bears.

Sports Bras and Me

This topic is really only of interest to the female crowd. That's not to say that I would discourage any male readers - but, you know, you might be WAY more comfortable coming on back tomorrow. This is a discussion of boobies, yes, to be sure - but I will venture to say it's NOT scintillating in any way, shape or form. :)

I have a love/hate relationship with work out bras. I love them for what they do - if they are utilized correctly, they reduce or even eliminate bounce, making the wearer far more comfortable as she goes about her exercise. Especially if she's doing something high impact - I've been known to scream (in my car, only in my car, and not at random women running down the street) "For the love of God, get a supportive bra on! It hurts just to watch you run!!"