I'm pretty sure you've seen the article that's gone around Facebook for a while, in which the author discusses if a person has an interior monologue with themselves. Do you? Do you talk to yourself, hold a conversation, hear your own voice in your head, talking to yourself?
Ok, so if I can get to the bank by noon, that will give me time to take Layla to get her shot, and then go to the store and grab some milk before I have to be at work....
Did someone say I need a shot???
I do it all the time. I constantly have a voice, specifically my own voice, running through my mind.
It's better than it used to be, though. I used to have my own voice raging through my head, all the time. Thoughts tumbling over each other, one after another, each fighting for supremacy. It was exhausting, and I thought it was normal. It wasn't until I happened to mention it to my husband, and he suggested talking with my doctor, and she told me that it definitely wasn't typical. What was happening to me was much different than the article mentions above, and much different than I think we all have now.
It's now so much calmer, and for that, I am grateful.
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Every so often, I flash back to the moment I was standing on the platform of the bullet train in Japan.
I remember looking at the tracks. I remember looking at the conductor. I remember the flags in his hands, I remember looking into his eyes, and stepping forward, and seeing him step forward. I remember that the people I was traveling with all had their backs to me, and they were about 50 feet away from me, huddled together, talking, as they were, the entire trip. I was definitely not part of the group on this trip. I remember thinking that I could just - step out - and it would be over, how unhappy I was, how upset, how very tired and worn out. I remember stepping while looking at the man, and he looked at me, and hearing the train coming in,
so, so fast
and seeing his eyes widen and his flags go up and the whistle in his mouth blew and I thought to myself
forward or back
And for a split second, it was so incredibly, ridiculously hard.
And of course, I stepped back, and I took a breath and I got onto the train, and I sat down with the people I was traveling with - who wouldn't have cared anyway - and
who didn't know. And I looked out the window, and I ate my provided cup of ice cream and I didn't tell anyone
and I thought about what I almost did
and I know now that I was not in a good place and that trip was a very bad time for me and the people I was with were not good for me and I've cut them all from my life. In fact, one of them came into my place of business this week and totally and completely ignored me, and I was A-OK with that. I've blocked them from my social and moved on with my life
but occasionally, I reflect on all of it and think about how my life has changed.
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I no longer attend therapy regularly, but I went for a touch up (touch back? touch in? touch base?) this week. I was feeling kind of funky about a couple of things and February has always, historically, been a shitty month for me. I was super proud of the fact that I made it through February, and my appt was Feb 28 - ahhhhhhh, crud. It was nice to see my therapist, and she gave me good advice, as usual. She wrote me another sticky- If you can't control a situation, and you probably can't, take a breathe and move on.
The latest semester ended today - I have a B- in English (a class that wasn't English at all but online digital tech) and an A+ in Economics. I have a two week break and then I start Social Services and Bones, Stones and Human Evolution. Both are 7 week courses, which is the way ASU runs, so it makes for a speedy and intense semester.
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I've closed comments on this post. Most of it is kind of intense, and all of it is a stream of consciousness kind of thing and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to send me a "rah-rah,go you!" message! You can email me if you want, I'm totally cool with that, I just don't want anyone to feel obligated to comment. :)